Last night, CNN teamed up with the Tea Party Express for yet another debate between the remaining 2012 Republican presidential candidates. But before the debate audience could get to cheering for the death of uninsured Americans, Wolf Blitzer spent way too much time on introductory pomp and circumstance. So just like he did the last time CNN hosted a debate, Jon Stewart mocked the network's focus on style over substance on tonight's Daily Show.

The Republican candidates for president just debated five nights ago at the St. Ronald of Reagan gravesite in California. Couldn't they just leave us alone for a while, after that? No! We have to have a CNN/Tea Party Express debate in Florida tonight, to allow Wolf Blitzer and some right-wing grifters confuse the American public into the fetal position.

Gay porn personality and CNN's hottest citizen reporter Sean Loftis (better known to our blind, hairy-palmed readers as Collin O'Neal) has been fired from his teaching job in Florida because of his adult video past. And now he's back to making porn again!

With the start of Anderson Cooper's new daytime talk show, Anderson, just weeks away there's speculation that CNN's biggest closet case will be coming out during the daylight hours. So will he? And just when would he do it? Let's speculate.

According to this CNN screenshot (apparently from Monday), Libyan rebels are advancing on Tripoli, Lebanon. Wrong continent, guys! They all do sort of look the same, if you are a 4th grader trying to pass her geography pop quiz.

While CNN reporter Kareen Wynter valiantly tried to provide significant details about the Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries nuptials to the American people, some kid—some punk—mocked the seriousness of this most historic matrimonial event and related gown news.

Onetime Senate candidate and current memoir-hawker Christine O'Donnell taped an interview with Piers Morgan this afternoon. It didn't go as expected, though. After being asked about gay marriage by a "rude" Morgan (who shot back by describing her as "weird"), O'Donnell stormed off the CNN set mid-interview. And yet as you'll see above, Morgan and O'Donnell's tiff probably made for much better entertainment than anything she said in her book.

In your maudlin Monday media column: CNN has more 9/11 documentaries than you can shake a stick at, Patch is incredibly expensive, 23 more newspapers get paywalls, the Richmond newspaper shrugs off an ad-stravaganza, and a French newspaper caper.

In your sunny Thursday media column: News Corp stock bounces back, buyouts at the Baltimore Sun, the WaPo forswears a paywall, CNN wants to hire internet tipsters, and Jake Tapper has advice.

It wouldn't be August without a monster attack, so we're going to try to invent one. Just what is this flying beast attacking passengers on a flight from Madison, Wisconsin, to Atlanta? No one knows!

Piers Morgan has repeatedly claimed—falsely!—that he never countenanced or encountered voicemail hacking during his tenure as editor of the Daily Mirror. Now Heather Mills has come forward to claim that a reporter for the Mirror's parent company confessed to her in 2001 that the paper had surreptitiously gained access to a voicemail message Paul McCartney left for her after the couple had a fight. The trouble for Morgan is that he openly admitted to having listened to that very voicemail message—recounting it in detail—in 2007. Whoops.

CNN anchor John King's show John King U.S.A. is usually very boring. But not tonight! No, tonight a homeless guy jumped the White House fence right behind where King was shooting. Take that, MSNBC!

Lispy CNN host Piers Morgan's increasingly desperate claims to have had no knowledge of phone hacking during his time as editor of the Daily Mirror just got a little harder to believe: The Telegraph and Daily Beast have published audio of Morgan admitting to a BBC Radio interviewer in 2009 that he played all kinds of dirty tricks.

There is precisely one person on Earth for whom this terrible debt ceiling debate has been a net positive: Erick Erickson, CNN political analyst and blogger at RedState.com! He's used it to portray himself as the most important person in Republican party politics, with his trenchant blog posts. Did you know that House Republicans need his permission to do anything? It's true! Our politics are just that healthy.

Gentleman's Quarterly magazine, aka "GQ", recently sat down with milliongenarian TV personality and budding stand-up comic Larry King to ask him some weird 'n' wacky questions. They even played Fuck Marry Kill with some of King's CNN colleagues. And his answers were sexy.

Blotchy Gong Show revivalist and CNN host Piers Morgan came off looking good in his confrontation with a British MP who accused him—falsely, as it turns out—on Tuesday of having confessed in his memoir to phone hacking while he was editor of the Daily Mirror. So we decided to catalog all the other—far more credible—indications that hacking went on under his nose during his tabloid days and...not so good! Let's have a look.

Puffy British game-show presenter Piers Morgan, who also hosts a show on CNN about Twitter, is in the spotlight these days because he formerly edited Rupert Murdoch's News of the World and a competitor called the Daily Mirror, and as such is prima facie guilty of hacking into everyone's voicemails all the time.

I finally pried last week's copy of the National Enquirer from Maureen O'Connor's cold dead hands and found this funny article that says Bravo honcho and America's gayest homosexual Andy Cohen wants to get gay married to Anderson Cooper, America's least eligible gay bachelor. Oh, sweet love!

CNN anchor Anderson Cooper has been accused of stealing jokes for the dramatic reading he did of Shore Thing, the first novel by Snooki, the greatest literary mind of our generation. Apparently a Fox station in Charlotte has nothing better to do than go after Anderson Cooper. How silly.

Nine months after joining CNN—and six months after Kathleen Parker was dismissed as co-host—governor-cum-broadcaster Eliot Spitzer bid goodbye to viewers tonight after CNN announced earlier that it was canceling In The Arena.