Top Stories [CNN]

Good luck untangling all the mixed messages represented by a Humvee pimped out in honor of CNN war correspondents. Jalopnik has the full story and gallery, and yes it's for a charity auction, and yes it also honors the soldiers too, but really — "Warrior One"? Couldn't they have just called it "Wolf Blitzer"? Nevertheless, just because you're cruising your airbrushed way through a warzone doesn't mean giving your tunes and flicks, as the Hummer includes an "extensive entertainment system that includes a DVD player, four LCD monitors and a state-of-the-art sound system." There better be a direct iPod hookup in that bitch, or Karl Penhaul will go ballistic. Metaphorically speaking.

G.O.P. Moves Fast to Reignite Issue of Gay Marriage [NYT]
4 Firefighters Killed by Blaze in California [NYT]

You didn't think CNN would miss the boat on the whole dismemberment thing, did you?

Just what is it about CNN anchor Anderson Cooper? Is it the steely gaze? The mysterious CIA connection? The penchant for hot young Latinos? No, Anderson Cooper cannot be contained merely by a rote taxonomy of his many virtues, but nevertheless, we've never met a man you couldn't properly encapsulate in a good, solid pie chart. Plus, it ties in quite neatly to the whole "360 degrees" concept, don't you agree? After the jump, Intern Mary plows through just this past year's worth of Anderson Cooper media mentions, classifying each attempt to distill and articulate the fundamental Cooperian appeal.

It's the all-too-rare "unfortunate juxtapositions"/"watch it now" two-fer! We'd like to thank the president, Rep. Foley, and the good people at CNN for this bounty.

Okay, okay, clearly you people cannot get enough of "tragedy + video = comedy gold." Although, frankly, you're missing the boat if you pass up the story about the teddy bear a few items below.

We at Gawker would like to offer our applause to CNN anchor Thomas Roberts, who "acknowledged that he is gay while speaking at the annual convention for the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association in Miami last weekend." Roberts, reports blog Beantown Cuban, told the audience "how he's proud of his partner and how he has gradually come out at work over the years."

The following press release just popped up in our inbox:

In response to Radar's story this morning that he interned for the CIA while in college, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper has taken to his blog, where he explains that the gig was no big deal:

Before he was hosting The Mole and crusading around New Orleans, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper was just a rich kid with a whitebread dream: to be a spy. Radar reports (correctly, we hope) that after his sophomore and junior years at Yale, Anderson Cooper eschewed paper-shuffling summer internships in lieu of some quality time in Langley, Virginia, at the CIA's headquarters, where he was part of a CIA summer program for student interested in intelligence work. (And, as an aside, doesn't the concept of a CIA summer program give you the chills? Like Space Camp meets WarGames meets Silence of the Lambs.)

• Eminem in whiteface. Someone, somewhere, is rolling in some grave, or something. [DealBreaker]
• TIME reporter claims magazine didn't touch Karr story. Claim eerily matches reality of Karr claim he touched JonBenet Ramsey. YEAH, WE'RE STILL DOING THIS. [Think Progress]
• Wired reviews Pitchfork Media. Gives it a 7.030032. Basically good, but a little bit derivative of [obscure reference], like some kind of [overwrought metaphor that doesn't actually make sense when you think about it for even two seconds]. [Wired]
• A CNN reporter has a private conversation in the bathroom while wearing a hot mic during President Bush's memorial Hurricane Katrina address. Embarrassing? Yes. Was anyone watching President Bush's memorial Hurricane Katrina address? No. [Wonkette]
•: Important Update on Bravest Actress of All Time: Natalie Portman is definitely doing something courageous, coyly seductive, and thoroughly Jewish, we're just not sure where. [One Park Avenue Reality]
• Maybe forcing millions of drunk people to interact in the same small corner at the edge of the city wasn't such a good idea after all. [VV]
• Union Square still has street cred. Where else can you enjoy Thai chili lime peanuts, free Ben & Jerry's milkshakes, and heroin? [ANIMAL]

Feel free to examine the video above for the golden moment, but in a nutshell: While conversatin' with Hotline senior editor John Mercurio, CNN's Chuck Roberts let loose this gem regarding the upcoming 9/11 anniversary and terrorism security in general:

On the same day that Anderson Cooper seemed sure to stay in the Middle East in perpetuity, he suddenly bailed just because of a little terror plot. A "source" wonders aloud to TVNewser: "Is Anderson Cooper the only star CNN has? It seems to be a one-man show at the network." You know who's not leaving the Middle East? CNN's Karl Penhaul. Reached for comment about Cooper's ascendancy and absconding, Penhaul narrowed his steely eyes to slits, rippled the musculature of his bald head, and replied, "Anderson Cooper? The fellah on Oprah? I crap bigger'n him."

CNN's website is about to get a whole lot shittier — and we don't mean because of an increase in ill-placed "watch now" links. According to an exciting press release we've just received, CNN.com is harnessing the "power" of citizen journalism by launching CNN Exchange, a user-generated content destination with video, audio, articles and other assorted crap submitted by YOU! (Just like College Humor.) Funny — just yesterday Nicholas Lemann was telling everyone that new media/citizen journalism has not yet risen "to the level of a journalistic culture rich enough to compete in a serious way with the old media," but CNN isn't going to listen to that old fuddy-duddy. If they want to dilute their website more than a Gawker comments thread, they're going to do it. Just you wait.

Continuing coverage of the revelation that is CNN correspondent Karl Penhaul: We nearly yipped with joy when it seemed that Penhaul, waiting for the go-sign on this segment from today's CNN coverage, inscrutably said, "Stylin' it." Repeated viewing made it seem more likely he was just saying, "It's dialin' in." Regardless, those new to Penhaul can enjoy a few seconds of His Baldness hanging out on a Lebanese beach, sunburned and frisky. We particularly love how he says "fresh barrages."

Karl Penhaul is not here to fuck around. We've never noticed Penhaul on CNN before, but his gloriously sculpted, perfectly shaped bald head and no-bullshit demeanor have made him our favorite second-tier bearer of bad tidings during the current Middle East crisis. Reporting from Lebanon, Penhaul isn't the pretty boy like Anderson Cooper, nor the old warhorse like Wolf Blitzer. He's the elusive sasquatch of CNN, loping through warzones and hoving into camera view just long enough to dolefully point out the latest scene of destruction. And is that a Scottish burr or just another flavor of the King's English? Send us your Karl Penhaul tips. His bio is out of date, and the man needs a more well-informed cult.

We know it's all too easy to regurgitate a funny from last night's Daily Show, but trust us, this particular segment merits a look for sheer ranty showmanship over and above Jon Stewart's usual routine mockery. The main subject is CNN's waffling on the use of the phrase "brink of war," plus the appending of a cautionary question mark on same. The wrap consists of a long-overdue slam on the media trope of worrying how actual pain elsewhere translates into "pain at the pump" for Americans.

• The Water Taxi comes to Williamsburg, bringing with it a level of comfort for Wall Streeters and a newfound terror for the hipsters who've fought so hard to delay the inevitable. [NYS]
• Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married. Honeymoon videotape of their threesome with the dude from Creed obviously TK. [Us Weekly]
• Gene Simmons drools on a celebrity weekly reporter, publicist fails to apologize, world keeps on turning (barely). [M2tv]
• Your guide to the great Author Portraits of our time. Joan Didion, you will always rule. [Jane]
• More Fabian Basabe than anyone should ever be forced to endure. [JuliaAllison]
• That whole mess with Israel and Hezbollah? Ain't nothing but a gizmo. [Jew School]
• Vote for the hottest gay journalist: what wouldn't we give to see the Coop and Daily Newser Chris Rovzar mud-wrestle for the tiara. [Left Behinds]
• Cranky Media Guy Simon Dumenco can go on and on about what's wrong with America's Got Talent — but if that's how he wants to deal with his disturbingly hot David Hasselhoff fantasies, then so be it. [AdAge]
• How sad is D.C.? So sad that residents will try to raise $20K just to get K-Fed to come by and liven things up a bit. [Circomlocuter]
• The life cycle of the Party Girl, as told by Kristen Cavalleri, Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, Pam Anderson, Janice Dickinson, and Keith Richards. [BWE]

One can certainly appreciate the dedication involved in assembling this collection of CNN anchorperson publicity photos. (And yes, there's this.) But why are so many of the females tensed up in these crossed-armed poses? And how come Christi Paul is the only one showing a little leg?