Vladimir Putin has insinuated that Goldman Sachs is behind the leak of the Panama Papers. This seems unlikely.

Antonin Scalia—who may or may not have been murdered by any combination of Barack Obama, pillows, Dick Cheney, and a chupacabra—was actually just murdered by his own obesity and the accompanying complications, according to an incredibly rude doctor’s note acquired by the Associated Press.

As Hillary Clinton’s path to the nomination becomes clearer, our favorite right-wingers have doubled down on the conspiracy theory that she has been—secretly—in exceedingly poor health since she suffered a concussion in 2012. What exactly wrong with her? You would not believe how many things.

James F. Tracy, the tenured associate professor of communications at Florida Atlantic University, who taught a class on conspiracies and suggested that the Sandy Hook shooting three years ago was a hoax perpetrated by the Obama administration, was fired on Tuesday.

Though many have condemned Donald Trump for repeating his claims that “thousands” of New Jersey Muslims celebrated on 9/11, and that there is old TV news footage somewhere out there to prove it, one brave, bumbling Fox & Friends host defended the “idea” of Trump’s story this morning. That man was Steve Doocy, of course.

One of the formative stories in frontrunning GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson’s life, a tale he’s told in no less than six of his books and trotted out again on the campaign trail this year, describes how, as a teen, he became so enraged that he stabbed another boy. In every version of the story, the boy’s metal belt buckle fortuitously saves him from Carson’s stabbity wrath. But, as the Daily Beast’s Gideon Resnick noticed when he compared Carson’s accounts, that’s the only detail that’s consistent across all of them.

Ed Klein is a writer of political books, and a thoroughly discredited right wing political conspiracy theorist. He publishes outrageous and untrustworthy political allegations for a living. That said, his latest rumor is pretty entertaining.

When Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced that the Texas Military Forces would “monitor” Jade Helm, a U.S. military training exercise taking place in Texas this summer, he didn’t just give an implicit thumbs up to the dumbest conspiracy kooks of the right—he also inspired those kooks to sign up for the Texas militia to defend their state.

With every day that passes, it seems like yet another politician is jumping aboard the good, maniacal ship Jade Helm conspiracy theory. And according to a new poll from Rasmussen, these lovable lunatics we elected into office are not alone. Because 45 percent of voters “are concerned” that Jade Helm is just a cover for martial law in the American Southwest.

Here is a video of Ted Cruz, the debate team goon who wants to be your next president, agreeing that Barack Obama might possibly be planning to invade the American Southwest under the auspices of “Jade Helm 15,” an Army training exercise.

Texans can now proudly say that their state not only boasts the Biggest Tacos and Tallest Beers, but a governor willing to waste tax dollars on a batshit make-believe martial law conspiracy theory.

Anyone obsessed with the disappearance of Flight MH370 knows the name of Jeff Wise, a private pilot and science writer who has frequently appeared on CNN to track new developments in the search for the missing plane. Today he’s here to chat with Gawker readers about his personal theory—detailed in a 95-page Kindle Single and excerpted in New York magazine—for how the passenger jet vanished without a trace on March 8, 2014. It involves bogus flight data, Russian hijackers, and a remote facility in Kazakhstan (among others things).

This clip of a man jamming on a keyboard and singing what sounds like "everybody knows shit, FUCK" has been making the rounds today: It's been dubbed "The Everybody Knows Shit Fuck Dance," and declared "one of the internet's greatest achievements" from a "street musician who only knows four words." Only some of that is true.

Russell Brand's revolution hit a bit of a snag last night after his comments on the BBC's Newsnight got him painted as a 9/11 conspiracy theorist. Judging by the headlines and the Twitter responses, you'd think Brand had said that burning jet fuel couldn't melt steel.

The Boston Marathon bombing had the mysterious man on the roof. Sandy Hook had multiple shooters. 9/11 had...actually, nevermind. And yesterday, the Great Ebola Panic of 2014 debuted its own mysterious man photographed from a distance: Clipboard guy, who was spotted on the Tarmac without a hazmat suit when Ebola patient Amber Vinson was transported into an airplane.

Russian defense officials Monday argued that a Ukrainian warplane was near Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 and may have been responsible for the commercial jet's deadly shootdown. And when the physics seemed to dispute that theory, Russian officials appear to have changed the physics—on Wikipedia, at least.

If Ron Paul never runs for president again, he can always get an anchor gig on RT. The patriotic American's latest "Texas Straight Talk" column is a Putin paean to all the ways in which the downing of Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 was America's fault.

Longtime GOP Rep. Frank Lucas won his primary in Oklahoma on Tuesday, but one of his opponents is pretty sure the real Frank Lucas died three years ago. Tim Murray wrote a letter announcing his plan to contest Lucas's win, explaining, "It is widely known Rep. Frank D. Lucas is no longer alive and has been displayed by a look alike."

A Zimbabwean government minister's speech urging women to stop using contraceptives because birth control is a western "ploy" that will give them cancer has been judged "alarmist."

The New York Times Magazine has a new article up about the 1975 killing of Anna Mae Aquash. Two people were convicted of that crime in 2004 and 2010, but Eric Konigsberg's article is entitled "Who Killed Anna Mae?" because it advances the theory that the murder happened on orders from people inside the American Indian Movement, the indigenous civil rights movement of which Aquash was a prominent part.