Hot breaking Courtney Love news:

We can't even begin to describe the amazing wonders inside Dirty Blonde, Courtney Love's new memoir/diary/hemorrhage of random life detritus. The woman basically stopped just short of including a used tampon with every copy sold. Seriously. Anyway, expect more Love from us in days to come, possibly in the form of a daily Zen koan from everyone's favorite devout Buddhist. (Ex: "What would the rose do?/Would the rose hire a publicist?/Let's be mountain junkies and breed/satanic mall rats.") But for today, we thought we'd just reprint an excerpt from an email conversation between Love and one of her acolytes: the one and only Lindsay Lohan. After the jump, soak up the learning.

· Today on Good Morning America, Courtney Love revealed that Mel Gibson helped her get sober. Too bad; had Gibson decided to instead join together their substance-abusing tendencies, they could have formed a drug-addicted duo so formidable that not even an entire army of sugartitted and Jewish law enforcement officials could've stopped them from taking over the entire Pacific coast.
· If this photo of Jon Lovitz being approached by two topless blondes on the beach doesn't excite you, then we really have no idea what turns you on anymore.
· Annette Bening knows that chatter about an Oscar nomination for Running with Scissors can only end in heartbreak.
· Kevin Federline's music has earned at least one positive review; then again, it's from the people who recently body-slammed him on national TV, so we're going to imagine that when the WWE critic claims that K-Fed's "song writing skills are better than Beethoven's and Mozart's combined," he's not exactly without bias.
· Tyra Banks has traded in her fat-suit for a man-suit, and she's about to make you reconsider everything you thought you knew about how people actually treat big-breasted supermodels who pretend to be dudes for a day.

• L. Lo admits that her whorey ways are inspired by Scary Sadshaw and her pals. Well, she is starting to look about 43.[Egotastic]
  

A few of our readers on the East Coast e-mailed to let us know that tenuously lucid rocker/local personality Courtney Love made the The View the latest stop on her Trip Back From The Bottom Tour, where in the course of continuing to promote her 15 months of sobriety, took some time to lament how cruelly those "awful new websites, you know, the Defamers" treated daughter Frances Bean after paparazzi caught them horseback riding on Mother's Day. We, of course, take umbrage at being lumped in as part of some blogging monolith obsessed with tormenting the teen, as we're sure we'd never cover something as inconsequential as this particular mother-daughter equestrian outing; we're far too busy with weightier matters, like stories about Mom trying to circumvent Starbucks' pet policy, loudly defending the cinematic talents of pal Brett Ratner, or catching a much-needed nap during the Borat premiere. We'd hate for Love to think that she has to compete with her own offspring for our fawning attention.

Kudos to CNN.com's online entertainment editors for pairing a helpful timestamp with this remarkable headline, allowing us all to measure with great precision the interval that passes between today's story about Love's current sobriety and any forthcoming ones about an inventive assault, the reason for the bludgeoning, and another court-ordered attempt at finally halting the new, chemically fuelled cycle of violence.

Courtney Love's $50 million sale of 25 percent of Nirvana's catalogue propels Kurt Cobain to the top of the list of the best earners the dead-celebrity world has to offer. In unrelated news, Love seems to have purchased a pricey new set of knockers.
· At least one reporter doesn't find it so cute to interview Sacha Baron Cohen while he's in character.
PopWatch Studio 60 apologist Whitney Pastorek's faith in the show might have been shaken by last night's episode.
We really wish we had more time to shop, because a Chachi, Gabe Kaplan, or Chuck Barris costume is easily better than anything we've come up with. [via CityRag]
· Arianna Huffington needs your help in portraying herself on a sitcom! Quickly, to the polls!
Baseball fans scandalized by generously pine-tarred Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers' antics should enjoy this round-up of The Smudge related musings.
· People shouting at briefcases: the poster.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week (well, most weeks)—so send them in like your lives depended on it. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let the world know about how first and business class airplane cabin divisions can tear a showbiz family apart.

• African baby collector Madonna decides to cut crucifixion from NBC special, will flush Koran down toilet instead. [Page Six]
  

• If you want to win in the end, you've got to indoctrinate them when they're young. [LittleDemocrats]
• Whitney Houston's sober, and you've got Courtney Love to thank for it. Now just imagine how that all came about. [Idolator]
• Why in the name of God is Men's Vogue hosting a slideshow of Francesco Vezzoli's Caligula? This really doesn't help their case. [Men's Vogue]
• The New Yorker pacifies toddlers and puts to sleep people of all ages. [Flickr]
• Giorgio Armani designs tomorrow's issue of the Independent, affectionately called the Red Issue. Just like his skin. [Independent]
• Only hipsters would upload a video with puppets singing about hipsters. [Animal]
• Murray's Hill: an imagined sitcom with music by the Fray, sponsored by Sparks. [Leveraged Sellout]
• Kanye West is many things to many people. Many Gay things. [One D at a Time]
• Jane editor Brandon Holley abandons punk roots, gets engaged. Mazel tov, ya sellout! [FishbowlNY]
• Sad news for fans of excellent British automotive television: Top Gear's Richard Hammond has been in a car accident. At 280 MPH. [Jalopnik]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so start sending them in more often! Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time Tony Danza demonstrated the classy way to be a shitfaced celebrity at a Malibu bar.

Seems like every paper in town is trying to ruin our morning: We're fairly inured to disgust at this point, but there still is a list of things that we'd prefer not to read about over our cornflakes. Very high on that list are: rumors about Courtney Love's sex life; anything with the byline "Michael Wolff"; and rumors about Mario Batali's sex life. Today Ben Widdicombe goes two-for-three in one item:

No matter how hard we try, we just can't dodge stories about how some of our sweltering city's most celebrated citizens are beating the botulinum-incinerating heat. An operative sends in this report of another notorious partier seeking the air-conditioned safety of a local Starbucks before her accessory-dog burst into flames:

Before he discovered that America would surge to the multiplexes in Memorial Day weekend record numbers to see how many cars he could blow up in a movie about mutants (answer: too many to count, as evildoing genetic freaks seem to have a nasty grudge against the automotive industry), X-Men: The Last Stand director Brett Ratner risked a grisly gutting by the replica Wolverine claws of disappointed fanboys by taking in public screenings at the Chinese Theatre on Thursday and Friday night. At the midnight Thursday showing, Ratner wisely brought some muscle, as a high-level Defamer operative shares this story:

• Today in the life of Chardenade Heatherich, Denise Richards tells her side of the story to Us Weekly. She says that she never meant for the court documents to become public, and that her "priority all along has been to focus on my children and their well-being." And to not be such a dickface. [Us Weekly]
• But Sheen's rep, the talented Stan Rosenfield of Clooney-Stalker fame, says that there was never any effort on Richards' part to keep the documents private. To boot, she might've sacked her former flacks when they advised against spreading the docs. [Page Six]
• Anna Nicole Smith is looking knocked up — if her womb is indeed full, the baby daddy will be wisely looking for some love from her newly accessible inheritance. [R&M]
• Courtney Love may be sober, but she's still flashing her wilted ladyflower whenever she gets the chance. [Page Six]
• Is anglofairy flack Rob Shuter trying to woo Britney Spears away from publicist Leslie Sloan-Zelnik? And, if so, shouldn't Zelnik be relieved? [Lowdown]
• Shortly after his spanking-new breakup with Paris Hilton, Starvos Niarchos seeks comfort in the company of Lindsay Lohan. [Scoop]
• Not that Paris cares — she's already moved on to fucking Heisman winner Matt Leinart. [LVRJ]

A Defamer operative slipped us this brief report about the birthday party Paris Hilton threw the other night for Greek shipping moneybags Stavros Niarchos at her swingin' heiress pad, during which some drunken shenanigans tested the structural integrity of one of the house's celebuskank amenities:

• If you didn't watch the Oscars, God bless you. But you still need to see the Three 6 Mafia's dramatic interpretation of "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp." It's your duty in maintaining pop culture relevancy. [fourfour]
• Cheers to Macy's in-house designer Allen Schwartz: the Oscars were Sunday night, and already ABS by Allen Schwartz has produced solid red-carpet knock-offs. [Us Weekly]
• When Courtney Love vacates, brokers celebrate! [NYO]
• Beloved local Oscar-winner Philip Seymour Hoffman flaunts his asscrack all over the City of Angels. [Liam McEneany Experience]
• The debate rages on: Is Britney Spears pregnant again, or just inhaling gravy? [A Socialite's Life]
• As men in suits gear up to campaign for anything and everything, one man dares to explain NYC's third party system. [East Village Red Man]
• RIP, Gordon Parks. [NYT]
• When art book publisher Powerhouse loses their lease to a restaurateur, what are they to do? Start a blog against "evil," of course. Is there anything these crazy weblogs can't do? [Powerhouse]

• Aren't we long overdue for a nasty celebrity sex tape? Sure, we just had Colin Farrell's taped tryst, but that was actually kind of hot. How about something to make us vomit? A video of Kid Rock and Scott Stapp engaging in some group play with the ladies would work. [Us Weekly]
• Courtney Love finally sells her Crosby Street loft; the last reported asking price was $5.25 million. And just like that, she's left us forever. [Page Six]
• Clay Aiken continues to cruise Manhunt.com for hookups, offering to reveal his identity via webcam. We can only dream of being so lucky. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Coldwell Banker broker Jason Lewis sells a chunk of record-setting NYC snow on eBay. We're sorry, but is the real estate market just not making you rich enough these days? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Paris Hilton uses up another Greek shipping heir, as beau Stavros Niarchos has reportedly left her. Now we can only wait, trembling with fear and anticipation, to see who she fucks next. [Page Six]
• Thankfully, Prince will remain unharmed by Paris' claws. [Scoop]

• Meet Tony Danza's daughter, 18-year-old Katie. Katie's a Delta Gamma at the University of Miami. She loves Lindsay Lohan, shoes, the color pink, and building massive gravity bongs. On the bright side, this is the sort of exposure Tony Danza just can't buy. [Ignore Mag]
• You know things are looking down for Fake Writer JT Leroy when he/she/it asks Courtney Love for help finding a literary agent. [Gatecrasher]
• Jamie Foxx cuts Mary J. Blige's solo from his debut album; we're still trying to understand why, exactly, Jamie Foxx even has an album. [Lowdown]
• The newly, uh, pudgy Janet Jackson has been ordered by her record label to lose weight. Virgin refuses to release her latest album unless she drops at least 20 pouds, and they've hired her a personal trainer. Apparently, it's hard to market a corpulent pop star. [Page Six]
• Someday, Ron Perelman and Ellen Barkin will settle their divorce, and then we can judge how much she got by whatever piece of property she buys next. [R&M (2nd item)]
• One last gasp from Fashion Week: IMG security men remove veteran Times photog Bill Cunningham from Betsey Johnson's show. Johnson's pissed, but not as pissed, we're guessing, as Guy Trebay and the Styles posse. [Page Six]
• In a Valentine's Day special from hell, Dr. Phil helps Paula Abdul find love — though she allegedly already has a boyfriend. Wonder how he feels about that. [Scoop]

• Good times at the Grammys: Sly Stone pukes backstage, Mariah Carey pouts, and Brett Ratner has a panic attack after fighting with his date. Serena Williams never would've pushed him so far. [Page Six]
• So far, the only thing we find interesting about the wiretapping case surrounding private investigator Anthony Pellicano is a recording in which Naomi Campbell is heard begging Sylvester Stallone's security guards to have the actor call her. My, how the tables have turned. [Lowdown]
• Courtney Love is seen at Amanda Demme's boozehole Teddy's at 1 AM. She wasn't seen drinking, however — she was just there for the dyking. [Page Six]
• Mario Batali's Del Posto faces closure if the ClogMonster doesn't fix lease violations. [Lowdown (2nd to last)]
• Would Pink be a better mother than Britney? Do we care? We're more concerned with the existence of a higher power — and, if there is one, why these people are allowed to procreate. [Scoop]