"Looking for SnowBunny to stand in line for IPHONE on Friday." Also: "no skanks." [Craigslist]

Defamer is committed to bringing together real directors of real movies with real celebrities hard up for fake dates on the biggest nights of their lives, and so in the interest of furthering our mission of faux-romantic mercy, we spotlight this anonymous plea for companionship from Craigslist, the internet's leading escort service for industry professionals desperately seeking non-embarrassing arm-candy. Posts our seeker:

Looking for work? Want to get in the ground floor of a can't-miss new idea? Your ticket may have already been stamped!

Ever caught yourself saying you Googled something, then realizing you were talking to a Yahoo developer? Or wondered whether it's okay to talk about iTunes to a friend from Microsoft? Obviously, not everyone gets worked up over corporate rivalries. (Most, but not all, of my Yahoo friends don't give a damn about whether I like using Google.) Here's a guide to which feuds are real and which are trumped up, by rating each rivalry on the 5-point tension scale.

Work for Barry Diller, get pet insurance. [Craigslist]

There's a contributing editor at "two major monthly magazines" who's looking for an (unpaid! But you get meals!) "food/travel writing" intern to help "research new projects, archive past ones and assist the weekly flow of writing assignments" and even "help set up and schedule tastings." Exciting! And if you've got the "chops," you might even be allowed to help test recipes! Imagine the possibilities. Strangely, the ad asks for emails to be addressed to "Lawrence Mitchell," who didn't seem to have any "food and travel"-related bylines when we searched Nexis, or Google. So who could the "contributing editor" who's too cheap to pay an assistant be? Your guesses welcome!

Food/Travel Writing Internship [Craigslist]

While it's far too late for us to offer to help the following anonymous Craigslist poster find a lift so that he wouldn't miss his obscenely early call time, we feel we nonetheless should pass along his admirably responsible, late night plea for a designated driver (or, as the job is commonly called in the industry, a "PA"):

No wonder Scarlett Johansson always has that creepy feeling that someone's stealing her fingernails. I wonder if they smell as delicious as she does—like strawberries and lotion and rain and delicate clay pots drying in the sun!

Defamer is committed to informing its currently unemployed, comedy-writing readers about exciting job opportunities being made available outside of the traditional TV-staffing-season process, and so we pass along this painstakingly detailed Craiglist cattle-call for our town's funniest, least annoying, and most blindly trusting scribes. Sure, trying to staff a union show on CL seems like a strategy only marginally less suspicious than sneaking up behind anyone tapping away at a laptop at a local Starbucks and ensnaring them in an enormous butterfly net, but hey—breaking into the sitcom game has never been tougher, so why not take a potentially fatal risk to get that first gig? An excerpt:

NICK DOUGLAS — When a tech company actually builds something, you'll hear about it first at a news source like CNet or TechCrunch. But while it's still a glint in a startupper's eye and anything can happen, we're ready for the pre-op interview. Our two strategies: Be cruel, and drink beforehand (in this instance, a double screwdriver). Our first subject, 16-year-old college student Jessica Mah, already built and sold a company. Now she's working on what she calls the eBay of hired services. In the following interview, she tells me why she plans to make a billion dollars before she's 25.

Nope. Too late. If you don't have plans already, there's no chance you'll end up anywhere tonight that doesn't involve Plan B and a watery Bloody Mary in the morning. If you do have plans, well, they probably mostly suck and/or require trekking to outer Brooklyn. Better start preparing the Monday-morning revisionism now. Ahh, sunny weekend blues! The Internet was supposed to make despondency better, and it has: after the jump, ridiculous things the melancholics on Craigslist will do tonight and tell themselves was fun tomorrow.

While we were trolling Craigslist earlier, we looked up to see none other than Craig himself lounging about in the front of the office. It was kind of like listening to Tiny Dancer and then looking up to see Elton John in a denim onesy banging on an old 88. Newmark himself is in fact something of a tiny dancer, a small man but full of brio. We grabbed videographer Richard Blakeley and scurried over to grill him on his legacy and on whether there was a whole generation of bastard children who have his Casual Encounters to thank for their conception.

"Live With A Douche" is a Gawker PSA service rounding up the most deleteriously douchy apartment postings we can find. Surely we respect the universal right to demand a roommate who conforms to one's higgidypiggidy expectations—but some warrant special attention. Have you found a particularly ridiculous listing? Let us know at tips@gawker.com

"Live With A Douche" is a Gawker PSA service rounding up the most deleteriously douchy apartment postings we can find. Surely we respect the universal right to demand a roommate who conforms to one's higgidypiggidy expectations—but some warrant special attention. Have you found a particularly ridiculous listing? Let us know at tips@gawker.com

We at Defamer realize that the moviegoing experience can sometimes be so exhilarating that the mere act of watching passively without injecting oneself into the proceedings can feel frustrating and unfulfilling. What sets apart this audience member's response to the exposed manflesh orgy that is 300 isn't so much the fact that the film conjured up detailed multi-partner sexual scenarios, but that he was willing to take the proactive step of posting a Craigslist ad that might actually help him actualize his Spartan bukkake fantasies:

That's exactly who we thought it... wait. Who the fuck is Richard Grayson? Well, he's a 55-year-old Gemini who's in a relationship, per his MySpace. And he's a helpful sort: without very much prodding, he sent us his receipt for the Craigslist ad in which he expressed a desire to find an intern who would help him keep up with his Karen O.-esque neighbors, so that he can write about them for money. What else has he written? Some books and things, but we'd like to concentrate on a poem published today by Internet magazine 3:AM. It's about being a 55-year-old who's on MySpace.

A middle-aged—"Ok, somewhat old"—Williamsburg author is looking for an assistant who will give him or her "access to the lives of the type of local residents who look like Karen O. or Conor Oberst and who do cool things that will be subject matter for the kind of work today's publishers demand." We suspect that someone—maybe Craig himself!—is just fucking with us at this point.

An unnamed publication or website is looking for the new Carrie Bradshaw! Except they're actually looking for the new Ted Casablanca. Or something. OMG, are you so excited to apply? Us too! If you like reading Us Weekly, if you can get into Marquee without paying (uh, they have a cover? We never noticed!), if you're a "regular" in the Meatpacking district, and if you have a headshot, they want you!

Good news for twentysomething teen phenom Ned Vizzini! Remember his search for an assistant on Craigslist? Well, he found one. Her name's Catherine (we think Cathy with a C not Kathy with a K) and, from what we can tell from her phone manner, she meets Ned's requirement that his assistant be "female." She also sounds young and, frankly, scared: "I don't think he'd want me talking to you about that. Why don't you just email him?" she quavered when we asked the most harmless of questions. She's also, apparently, lazy: she still hasn't gotten around to updating the press section of Ned's Official Website, which we'd suggested should be her first duty! We think there are a couple new clips that should go in there, Cathy.

Earlier: Ned Vizzini Is The Craigslist Park Slope Novelist

Craigslist's New York real estate listings are a particularly hideous wasteland. A new $10 fee for listings by brokers hasn't cut all the crap yet by any means, and wading through the illiterate broker misery is beyond dispiriting. But we can help! For some reason, Craigslist doesn't publicize that not only can you search for things, you can search against them.