We understand that we give the Village Voice a lot of shit for being totally fucking lame, but the other "alternative" weekly in this town pretty much sucks also. But then again, it's always sucked. Anyway, the New York Press is looking (on Craigslist) for a cover model, someone "clean cut, yet on the fringe of cool," who "might embrace veganism, but shops at expensive food shops," who has a Sidekick or Blackberry...oh, God, really?

We at Defamer realize that time is preciously short for the still-dateless to find suitable, barely legal companionship for their various Oscar-related social obligations, and so we're committed to doing our part to help the industry's twink-loving lonelyhearts connect with the boyish consorts of their dreams. With this sacred mission in mind, we reach out to assist this anonymous Craigslist seeker in his efforts to cast a date who can play the part of "I don't even know this child who just climbed into my limo when I wasn't looking, officer," but who is actually old enough not to earn the ad's author any jail time:

We get a lot of schmucky help-wanted ads over the transom. No one wants to actually pay anyone for their work these days, it seems! Funny, that. Anyway, this Craigslist ad, which wants candidates who can edit film, run errands, and code HTML and would like folks to work in exchange for some new form of pay called "lunch" seemed to rank up there with the best of them—but who could the employer be?

We realize that those of you lucky enough to have scored a pair of tickets to Hollywood's biggest night might be too preoccupied with last-minute preparations to focus on hunting down your evening's crowning accessory: a poised and stunning arm-candy specimen, well-versed in red carpet and after-party etiquette (e.g. standing three feet behind your date at all times; smiling always, but never too broadly; remaining completely mute unless otherwise instructed, etc.). With time quickly running out, and escort services charging higher premiums than ever, it's hardly surprising that the desperate romantically adventurous should turn to Craigslist for their Oscar-night-companionship needs:

We totally didn't learn our lesson last time we stepped in a pile of Craigslist assistant-hunting mess, so we're bringing you another installment of help-wanted guessing game. After the jump, an ad from a "columnist and television commentator" who wants you to spend some "flexible hours" running his or her life from a "large and cheerful Manhattan apartment." Maybe we'll apply!

Yesterday, we asked you to help us ID the novelist looking for a "female" personal assistant with "experience in being a personal assistant to a writer, filmmaker, artist or similar person in a creative field" on Craigslist. Some of you threw out wildly hopeful suggestions — yes, we wish that Jonathan "Saffy" Foer and Nicole Krauss used Craigslist too, but their assistants have assistants to look for new assistants for them. Fortunately, we live in an era when writer types obsessively document every detail of their lives and transactions online; aging teen phenom Ned Vizzini is no exception.

In the pantheon of love and relationships advice columnists, there's no one quite like Elle's E. Jean to tell it like it is. Whining that you're too fat to find a boyfriend? Lose weight, dumpling. Complaining that you're too much of a wallflower to find a man? You are, and no one likes a wallflower or a complainer. Darling.

It can be so hard to find a "female" who's "textable 24/7," especially one who's had "previous experience being a personal assistant in a creative field!" That's why we're sharing this Craigslist ad with you, in the hopes that you might know someone who's perfect for it — if you do, maybe we will get a finder's fee! Oh, and... guesses? Full ad is after the jump.

We knew they were casting a wide net, but surely it's a sign of ... something that the Voice, not content with merely running ads for writers in the print edition of the paper and various media job sites, has now resorted to looking for staff writers on Craigslist. This never would've happened under Clay Felker's watch! Anyway, we wish them the best of luck; if recent history is any guide, they'll wind up with some bright young things with little experience and few salary requirements, but a real zest for the job.

How the heck can Eric—a good-hearted 30-year-old Columbia grad schooler and Peace Corps vet with an eerie resemblance to Will and Grace's Eric McCormack—find love in this frosty, lonely town?

While Defamer is committed to connecting its readers with opportunities to obtain gainful, career-jumpstarting employment in the entertainment industry, recent items we've passed along might have given job hunters the tragically mistaken impression that assistant gigs are glamorous affairs entailing little more than helping one's famous boss chase tail on the set of a big-budget movie production. Luckily, this Craigslist post seeking some help for a busy TV producer reminds us at length (the poster seems terrified of receiving time-wasting resumes from those constitutionally unsuited for the position) that the fast-paced personal-assisting field is a demanding one that chews up the lazy, dumb, and weak. Excerpts from the ad, including a detailed FAQ letting one know what is expected of pretty much any assistant in this town (minus explicit mentions of occasional beatings), follow:

We couldn't help but note this Craigslist post that Gowanus Lounge unearthed, because, let's face it, we've all been in those awkward situations where people are complaining, loudly, about how nasty somewhere smells and you can't help but walk away very slowly, knowing that you've left an unmistakable trail behind you. Or, at least, we hear that's a problem these days. Anyway:

• The real deal behind the noise levels at East Village bar Heathers. [NYO/The Real Estate]
  

Defamer is committed to bringing together its shoe-fetishizing readers with those who can provide them with the discarded footwear of the well-shod celebrities they so desperately covet, and so we pass along this anonymous Craigslist post seeking a recent Golden Globes also-ran's previously worn Cavallis:

Defamer is committed to making its readers aware of exciting opportunities to gain valuable exposure by working with Hollywood's most talented filmmakers on their highest-profile projects, and so we pass along this Craiglist ad trolling for fresh-faced talent for an upcoming gig:

The Poynter Institute takes its mission of journalism education very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that they've discovered this new "Craigslist" thing, and now they're committed to helping journalists keep their jobs by doing the least amount of work possible: "Each month, the site registers 14 million new classified ads. And wrapped up in lots of them are story ideas." Wow, really? Do tell us more.

NICK DOUGLAS — After a year of Silicon Valley startup parties and conferences, I thought I hated startups because the staff was deluded and vapid. I was wrong — I just hated their PR people. Here's why your startup should fire its flacks.

Tired of riding the L train back in forth clad in your nondescript Gap-wear, never catching the eye of that soulful tattooed hottie who doesn't even bother to look up at you from her copy of Let the Northern Lights Erase Your Name? Help is at hand: This Craiglist post promises instant indie cred:

NICK DOUGLAS — A Business 2.0 blogger yesterday blew up Google's tweaked Zeitgeist (which tracks gainers, not top searches). He also deconstructed the PR-friendly "top" lists made by AOL and Yahoo (revealed: AOL's real top searchword is "google"). But what are the top searches on sites like Facebook, Wikipedia, and Craigslist?

Like most people, you might find yourself in need of a little extra holiday cash around this time of year. You don't want anything long-term — just a few nights of work, a few bills in your pocket, and maybe a little dignity left over. After exhausting less tawdry options, you might eventually find yourself turning to the "Event Gigs" ads on Craigslist, which single-handedly support an entire subculture of largely talentless and skill-free individuals who nevertheless can appear reasonably attractive in dim lighting. Given the wealth of holiday-related events, we dispatched Intern Mary into the depths to discover just what kinds of holiday gigs are out there, running the gamut from geishas to boot models to liquor dispensers. After the jump, sift through your temporary employment prospects in tasty pie-chart form.