We missed the Michele Bachmann/Donald Trump joint "tele-townhall" this evening, because it was a Michele Bachmann/Donald Trump joint "tele-townhall." But maybe we made the wrong decision, because it sounds like it was a trip.

Jill Abramson, the first female editor of the New York Times, is a capable journalist, a veteran editorial manager, and a crazy dog person. Guess which characteristic will be most important?

Here's the director of parks and recreation in Prescott, Arizona (pink suit) telling college student/artistic person Kristin Anthony (brown-haired woman on the right) why she had to stop work on her senior project—a community park bench and mosaic created by park users under Anthony's supervision. It's because some of the symbols people have chosen to decorate the bench with are "un-traditional" and therefore unacceptable.

Andrea Peyser is not just some bitter and hateful sex fiend employed by the New York Post to stoke the fears and prejudices of the city's least literate readers; she's also an investigative reporter! What's annoying you today, Andrea?

For perpetually calm and collected Courtney Love, it seems that time does not heal all wounds. She's still seething over Kurt Cobain's suicide. She's so enraged, in fact, that if Kurt should somehow rise from the beyond, she says she'd kill him again. And not only that! She also says she'd make sure to have sex with him one more time before finishing him off.

Getting home with your big bag of Taco Bell only to find that the guy behind the counter forgot your "Border Sauce"—we've all been there, right? The thing is, most of us probably didn't go back to the Bell with a shotgun.

Gay men always get stereotyped as being drama queens while the lesbians escape the rap. Well, let's look at the case of Angela DeHart, the lesbian car thief who boosted a hearse with a body in the backseat. This crazy story will change the stereotype.

Could it be that the real reason the world economy is in the tank is not the tax-and-spend liberals perniciously penalizing The Rich for their success—but instead, the wrath of a vengeful god? Yes. The god one is correct.

Ranting Weiner fetishist and far-right blog mogul Andrew Breitbart is so tired of "vicious" Twitter leftists and liberals calling him gay—which they do for no reason—that sometimes, during "unclear moments" of addled thinking and high emotions, he thinks about how cool it would be if America had another civil war. Then he might finally fulfill his promise of taking down America's Left, and also end his own victimization. "Major-named" people in the military has his back on this!

The town of Conway, Arkansas is being haunted by a man who compliments women on their feet, then tries to suck on their toes. Is it the infamous "Toe-Sucking Fairy" of the 1990s, or some younger, copycat wannabe?

Today in Some Crazy Person Asked Pat Robertson for Advice, we learn that the firebrand cleric doesn't merely dislike Alzheimer's — "I hate Alzheimer's," he says — but he thinks it's totally cool for you to divorce your spouse over it. A man wrote to Pat seeking advice for his friend, whose wife has Alzheimer's and no longer recognizes him. Pat's response, from Tuesday's 700 Club:

Jason Itzler, the escort agency impressario and certified wackadoo who has inserted himself into several high-profile sex scandals, is in court for charges of promoting prostitution and dealing coke. You won't believe his defense. It has something to do with a Billy Ray Cyrus conspiracy theory.

Hate-mad tabloid sex perv Andrea Peyser is sad. What has become of the awesome sense of cowed obedience that American minorities displayed in the wake of 9/11? It's gone and disappeared, and they're all uppity again. Is this America, still?

The Georgia Supreme Court has removed Catoosa County magistrate Anthony Peters from his position and banned him from ever returning to the bench in Georgia. His "crime?" After his father died and he had an auto accident in 2005, he started taking large quantities of pain medication and acting erratically. That could happen to anyone, you monsters.

Has anyone lost a half-naked man in his 40s with a tendency to march "like a drum major" down the side of Indiana highways while wielding a samurai sword? If so, please contact Indiana State Police Trooper Ricky Rayner, as he may have found your guy!

This morning, Conde Nasties and passersby on 42nd St. were greeted by Scientologists handing out copies of the new issue of their Freedom magazine—which is a spoof of The New Yorker. Stick it to the man, Scientology!

Jere Melo, a former mayor and current city councilman in Fort Bragg, California, was shot and killed last Saturday while he was out investigating reports of a weed-growing operation in the forests surrounding his town (Melo also worked for a timber company.) The main suspect in the case: Aaron Bassler (pictured), local crazy person. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

We all express our altruism in different ways—it's part of what makes us human. Robert Johnson of Vero Beach, Florida likes to give back to his community by strolling along the beach while completely naked. It's what he calls "helping."

The unsatisfying resolution of the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case raises tough questions of race, sex, power, and law. Indeed, this one murky encounter and its muddled aftermath could be used as a prism through which to dissect the very nature of morals in our sometimes unsettling globalized world. Or, you could just say: fuck everybody involved.

Felonious, hypersexual people just can't stop crashing into the AdultMart of Brownhelm Township, Ohio to steal sex toys! In the latest incident involving theft at the popular sex-stablishment, a man stole a semi and crashed it into the place, making off with a $800 "life-like masturbator complete with female genitalia with legs and buttocks."