Sure, we've all had the overwhelming urge, at times, to fill up our Jeep Cherokee with fireworks, drive to Washington, DC, and detonate those fireworks on the National Mall, in order to call for banking reform. How else will those fat cat politicians and banking regulators ever "get the message?" The important thing to remember, however, when you get drunk and put your Fireworks Banking Protest plan into action, is to keep it secret until the last possible second.

The standoff between Tulsa cops and the crazy guy on top of a communications tower entered its fifth day on Monday, passing the 100-hour mark this afternoon. "This situation is unusual," Officer Leland Ashley tells the Tulsa World.

What happens when America's calmest woman falls in love with America's most hilariously entitled dude? They get married! She gets pregnant! He cheats on her and leaves her! And then, letters like this, to Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax:

Remember Susan Burns, the woman "from the American CIA" who in April tried to beat up a Gauguin hung at the National Gallery of Art? Well, she got back inside the gallery somehow, and this time allegedly went nuts on a Matisse.

For months now, innocent shoppers in Virgina—the state that is, incidentally, "for lovers"—have been terrorized by a Serial Butt Stabber. Now, it appears that his reign of booty assault is even worse than previously suspected.

There are a few guidelines to being a successful blogger: Update frequently. Promote your posts on social media. And don't describe Sen. Joe Lieberman as "one Jew, who we absolutely must shoot in the face (many times), ASAP."

"Chronicles of the A train. Chronicles of the A train," says the world-weary straphanger after witnessing this severely one-sided "fight" that is today's entry into the hefty catalog of recent subway insanity. I bet what would help to not have a clearly insane and/ or intoxicated man get his ass beat by the most frustrated of an entire train car's worth of frustrated riders is to shut the train doors more frequently than once every four minutes. That would deprive us all of our day's unsettling voyeurism, though.

Bonni Marcus and Jack Zinzi dined in Park Slope on Sunday with their "closest companion," a monkey doll named Bongo. They are now offering a $500 cash reward to anyone who finds the orphaned simulation of a primate. Jack explained the predicament to The Brooklyn Paper:

Admitted Norwegian terrorist Anders Behring Breivik has a bunch of demands. Some are pretty easy: Cigarettes! Clothes! Norway has plenty of those things. Some are a little more difficult: Command of the Norwegian army! "The complete overthrow of the Norwegian and European societies"!

There has never been a time when crazy shit wasn't happening on New York City subways; but what with all the cell phone cameras and salivating blog vultures out there now, videos of crazy shit happening on New York City subways are rapidly becoming the must-have accessory of the summer season.

Like an intemperate child placed in "time out," tabloid sex perv and professional journalist Andrea Peyser has resorted to "acting out" in order to grab our attention, now that we've stopped covering her every last cock-imbued utterance in order to write about topics more useful to society, like brawls in fast food restaurants.

It's hot, huh? The whole country is burning up. Make sure you stay cool out there! Especially make sure that you don't get heatstroke, bite a zookeeper, attack a police officer, and get yourself killed by the cops.

Do you know Allen West? If not, you should. A lot of folks think he'll be president someday.

This video really speaks for itself. These were good, but this new one is something special. Two hits of salvia is one hit too many. Live and learn. [Live Leak via The Daily What via FEK]

Perry Frasier does not tolerate poor standing-in-line skills. At a post office in Jacksonville, Florida, on Thursday, he allegedly began arguing with another man who was "standing slightly off-center" of the customer service line, because nobody fucks with Perry Frasier's sensibilities.

After concluding his Fox News program Thursday and being brutally assaulted by New York cultural elite fascist thugs earlier this week, Glenn Beck has had it with New York. So he's moving to Dallas, and renting this place for $20,000/month.

Only one protestor showed up outside the Alcoa plant where President Obama was speaking on Tuesday, but he made his appearance count. Meet Richard McCaslin, of California, who wore striped pants and a matching "THOUGHT CRIME" hat, and held a sign that said "REPTOID ROYALTY: NO BLUE BLOODS IN THE WHITE HOUSE." Let him explain that to you:

Tomorrow is the final broadcast of the Glenn Beck show on Fox News. To mark the occasion, Media Matters has put together a mesmerizing 10-minute highlight reel of Beck's most terrifying and hallucinatory moments: "Requiem for a Rodeo Clown." It is truly artful. He will be missed.

Glenn Beck absolutely will not shut up about The Time A Woman Accidentally Spilled Wine On His Wife! On Wednesday he spent a full 10 minutes on his radio show tearing into a moviegoer who says he's greatly exaggerated his family's brush with death at an outdoor movie.

Did you hear? Glenn Beck got jumped by a pack of ravenous urban liberals last night! Or did a drunk person just accidentally spill wine on his wife? You be the judge.