For Valentine's Day, Andrea Peyser asks her husband to bring her booze, then go away.

A hero legislator in Virginia's House of Delegates sponsored a bill that finally bans the practice of forcibly implanting microchips in humans. Delegate Mark Cole (R-Fredericksburg) is not some mere privacy advocate: he is saving us from the antichrist.

Among the possible additions to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the bible of psychiatry: "hypersexuality," meaning being way horny. The NYT predicts it has "a high likelihood of entering the pop vernacular." Oh, "entering," EHH? Fingers crossed!

Finally, Andrew Breitbart is speaking out on the liberal media's railroading of phone tap pimp James O'Keefe. Bonus: Lloyd Grove also gets Breitbart to reveal when he's being cantankerous, and when he's merely being jocular. Invaluable perspective! [Daily Beast]

Rip Torn was heroically arrested for breaking into a bank drunk and armed over the weekend. Sadly, he wasn't launching a populist anti-banking revolution; he was so drunk, "he thought he had been dozing in his home." [NYP]

The Huffington Post reports that Bill Gates pledged $10 billion for vaccine research. The HuffPo's utterly insane vaccine conspiracy theorizing commenters are unhappy! Meanwhile, the doctor who invented the "vaccines cause autism" lie has (finally!) been reprimanded by the UK's General Medical Council, and he may yet have his medical license revoked. Arianna's Funtime Link Party Tribune and Hothouse of Nonsense has not yet weighed in, though we can't wait to hear what Ace Ventura has to say.

Everyone in the world owes Andrew Breitbart an apology for jumping to conclusions about his employee James O'Keefe's alleged felony, he tells David Shuster today. Also, ACORN! ACORN!!!

Ted Olson, the attorney who won Bush v. Gore, also won today's Supreme Court campaign finance decision. He is basically terrible! But here is the twist: he is arguing for gay marriage in the ongoing Proposition 8 suit!

Tom was just like you: an ordinary schmoe from Jersey, with a kid and a job in banking and a pronounced inability to attract celebrities into his general vicinity. Until one day when he met Barack Obama, became magnetized, and proceeded to attract celebrities, in much the same way a magnet attracts metal. Moments ago, Tom sent out this lengthy press release, informing the world of his strange and wondrous saga of celebrity attraction. We want you to read it all. It is just that important.

Paranoid xenophobe Glenn Beck is scared that moose-hunting ignoramus Sarah Palin will steal his show on flag-waving racist network Fox News, according to feckless celebuscavenger Rob Shuter. Here's hoping all parties involved fight and fight some more. [Popeater. Pic via]

Ok, maybe the Republicans will still lose this one in Massachusetts. They're hiring temps to get out the vote and someone in DC is trying out the goofiest push poll ever.

Ad Age has a fascinating story on how some online Pampers dead-enders have "jammed Pampers.com with negative reviews" about P&G's new super pee-absorbing diaper brand, imperiling the company's painstaking multimillion-dollar marketing campaign. Sample comment from a Pampers dissenter, below.

Fallen NY1 anchor Dominic Carter has been sentenced to 30 days in jail for beating his wife. He and his wife also got special little presents from the judge, an insane person.

"Why have kids?" So asks Motherlode blog reader "Bailey," in a heartfelt effort to get to the bottom of the mystery of human reproductive urges. She came to the right place; if anyone can solve philosophical conundrums, it's internet commenters.

Oh you know what Donald Trump's kid Eric would probably like on his 26th birthday cake? A big AK-47 and some dead bird. THINK PIECE: what is it with celebukids and their cakes? (Hint: 'Drug affordability'). [Cityfile. Pic via]

Two bits of advice: If you get on a plane, begin chanting loudly in Arabic, and then shout out, "I want to kill all the Jews," it's unlikely you'll make it to your destination on time. On the other hand, if you strip off your clothes and run in front of the White House naked, you will earn a free trip for your troubles, although whether you want to spend a night at a local hospital undergoing a psych evaluation is entirely up to you.

Flying can be scary enough as it is. We're not sure how we'd handle sitting by this nutjob on a plane. Oh wait, we'd probably film it and upload it to YouTube, just like this group of friends did.

On his radio show yesterday, popular hysterical demagogue Glenn Beck insulted a "Birther." He noted, correctly, that while he is often accused of being a conspiracist, he has not endorsed the Obama-was-born-in-Kenya conspiracy. Then, in order to make sure people continued referring to him as a conspiracist, he alleged that calls from birthers were part of an organized White House effort to discredit the opposition. Just like every racist sign at a Tea Party is being held by a secret left-wing provocateur.

In the "Crazy Lady is Crazy Like a Fox" dept., Representative Michele Bachmann has stopped telling constituents to be scared of the census—because if Minnesota loses a seat, it'll be her district that goes.

Johnny Lee Wicks, who shot two cops in a Vegas courthouse yesterday, had been battling the government for two years over his Social Security benefits. I guess he lost. [Las Vegas Sun. Pic: AP]