Peggy Noonan, a woman, of America, is a political columnist, yes. But first, she is an American. She does not go in for all the "data" and "numbers" and "relevant facts" mumbo-jumbo that clouds the political debates of our fine nation. Leave the "worthwhile" political theories for Nate Silver and other dewy younglings; Peggy Noonan will weave her own columns not out of "polls," but out of hazy, gin-soaked memories of Ronald Reagan, and trips to Brooklyn street fairs, and yard signs viewed out of her car window. And now: Peggy Noonan has taken a trip to a hotel. A hotel—in America.

After the massacre at Sandy Hook elementary school last year, even the most devout religious people had cause to momentarily question their faith. Why would a loving god allow something so awful to happen? So, afterwards, Newtown, Connecticut held an interfaith service at which many different religions were represented. Now, the Lutheran guy is apologizing for attending.

Mentally ill people are far more likely to smoke cigarettes. Smoke? You must be crazy! *MUST CREDIT GAWKER FOR JOKE*

Cedarville University is a Baptist college in Ohio with 3,000 students. The campus is currently engulfed in a minor uproar over the way it's enforcing its ideological beliefs. Let's take this opportunity to gape and marvel at what some people who run educational institutions actually believe to be true.

During NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre's Friday-morning press conference, the organization's first since 27 people died a week ago at Sandy Hook elementary school in Newtown, Conn., my Twitter feed — filled with liberal writers and pundits — was lighting up in fascination and disgust. "Every journalist on Twitter thinks Lapierre is completely insane," Reuters' Felix Salmon wrote. The consensus was that LaPierre's remarks were unhinged and alienating; the Washington Post's Ezra Klein marveled at "how much damage LaPierre is doing to the NRA without even allowing questions." Even the few conservatives I follow agreed: "I'm not sure this presser was good in style a week after Newtown," wrote RedState's Erick Erickson.

If you've got a certain kind of Facebook friend — an End-the-Fed, mechanical-elves, Monsanto-causes-cancer, Nibiru-fearing cousin, say — you may have already heard the "news" that Newtown shooter Adam Lanza's father was a key witness in a congressional hearing about a banking scandal. Or the theory that the new Batman movie predicted the shooting. Or that The Hunger Games did. None of these conspiracy theories are true, obviously. But they're all over the internet.

Wonderfully insane Ukranian model Valeria Lukyanova — known as "real-life Barbie" thanks to the extensive cosmetic surgery that allows her to mimic the alien proportions and glassy expressionlessness of the famous doll — and her pal Olga "Dominica" Oleynik, a fellow doll-mimicking plastic surgery addict, are headed to our shores. Welcome to Obama's America.

Michael Canaii (pictured, on throne) is the father of a high school-aged daughter here in New York City. And when he heard rumors that his daughter was acting out in adolescent rebellion, he did what any good father would do: showed up at her high school "swinging a heavy chain with a padlock" while threatening to "fight anyone in his path," all while demanding, "Who's fucking my daughter?"

After Barack Obama's reelection, some business owners went so far as laying off workers and attributing it to fear of new taxes; other employers vowed to reduce employees' hours in order to avoid paying for their health care under Obamacare. Those actions are despicable in their own way, but at least they may be defended as a sort of rational business move. How exciting that one fine business owner has figured out a way to become a bigger asshole on this issue than any of his peers.

Yesterday, we told you that David Siegel, the humongously wealthy CEO who threatened to lay his workers off if Obama was reelected, did not, in fact, lay them off—he gave everyone raises. Unfortunately, not every boss is as kindly as the King of Versailles. Our call for news of Obama reelection-related layoffs brought in the following, from across the nation:

Peggy Noonan, whose uniquely airy style of kindergarten-reading-level prose works upon the political chattering classes (but no one else) like a snake charmer's flute works on a cobra, wrote one of the most vapid, scoff-worthy, fact-free columns of the pre-election news cycle, in which she predicted that Mitt Romney would win because she'd been seeing a lot of his yard signs around, lately. Well, now comes the post-election follow-up: Peggy Noonan is resigning from her job as a WSJ columnist, in acknowledgement of the unavoidable fact that she is an embarrassment to her profession.

There is a particular type of white person who startles easily, like a sensitive, inbred racehorse or a motherless baby bird. As you might imagine, this has not been an easy week for them. What do they fear? Everything, mostly. Religions that are very similar but not identical to their own. Loud voices and bold fonts. Multi-book series that are not trilogies. More specifically, they fear what will happen to this most American of the Americas during another four years of an Obama presidency.

While most of us are celebrating Mitt Romney's defeat in the streets by legally smoking marijuana and gay-marrying randomly-chosen passers-by, not everyone is quite so happy. And thanks to Twitter, we know about it. Vibrating bologna loaf Donald Trump, mistakenly believing that Romney won the popular vote, is calling for "revolution," — revolution! — while former SNL actress Victoria Jackson is sobbing and telling Christians that they "disgust" her. We've saved all of their most embarrassing (some already deleted) Tweets here:

Peggy Noonan—White House veteran, Sunday morning talk show staple, author, Wall Street Journal political columnist, and intrepid explorer of America's darkest corners—is paid handsomely to offer her professional, expert political opinions, which many readers take very seriously.

As Hurricane Sandy, now combined with a Nor'easter, bears down on the mid-Atlantic, people everywhere are looking for answers: will I be safe? What should I do? Where should I go? And most importantly, what shadowy organization, group, or cosmic force is manipulating the weather to cause this terrible storm? Luckily, the internet has answers to all those questions — especially the last one. (Current suspects: President Obama, the gays, and perennial weather-conspiracy favorite the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program.) Let's take a look at the best conspiracy theories on the web.

Andrea Peyser—leading hate and sex and hate sex sexxxpert at New York's trashiest tabloid—has, at long last, issued her presidential endorsement. She has made her choice primarily on the basis of her feminist values.

Here at Gawker.com, an influential Tennessee politics blog, we don't often endorse candidates. According to many medical studies, politicians are queer in the head and full of bile, and as longtime readers know, we do not consider the U.S. government legitimate since it abandoned the gold standard and put all whites up for collateral against foreign debt in 1933. (See our previous article, "Six Great Tips for Hiding the IRS Agent's Body.")

When the sunny unemployment figures came out this morning, savvy conservatives knew that something rotten was afoot. A 0.3% decline in unemployment—one month before an election? Tell us another one, NObamatards. And now, these clear-eyed zealots may have found the smoking gun that they need to prove that something that is clearly not a conspiracy is, in fact, a conspiracy.

Peggy Noonan. White. A white woman, yes, a Manhattanite, but a vital white woman, a woman of opinions, of breathing, of warbling on Sunday talk shows, about America—this America. This country. This great city, New York, where Peggy Noonan sips a gin fizz, contemplates that good American, Ronald Reagan (yes, a good man), and ventures forth—outwards, into the great bustling metropolis—to see what she can see. Lo! Peggy Noonan is surrounded by nonwhites. And what is that awful noise?

From crime to AIDS to the debt, America is facing a lot of problems. But there's a simple solution, according to this letter: cast this woman in a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. Not only will "less [sic] children... be harmed by confused followers of Leonardo DiCaprio," but Los Angeles might get the Olympics again.