Ex-New York Senate Majority Leader Joe Bruno has been sentenced to two years in prison.

When "old" New Yorkers remember this city before it was "cleaned up," a nighttime subway ride's often recalled as a Warriors-esque life-threatening transit option. Now it's so safe, people can't even stretch out.

Former New York State Senate Majority Leader Joe Bruno was convicted on two of the eight felony corruption charges he was facing. So this is precedent to press charges against everyone in Albany.

Face-slashing asshole-of-the-year candidate and New York State Senator Hiram Monserrate will not go to jail for the face-slashing (or for the asshole-of-the-year thing).

Michael Jackson's personal doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray, is going to be arrested for manslaughter, possibly as early as next week. His personal dermatologist (and possible babydaddy), Dr. Arnold Klein, is also going down. Cable news is already licking its lips.

The huuuuuge Fortune story on Bernie Madoff asserts something that should seem obvious: maybe some investors knew there was something fishy going on! Also, Bernie is nuts. He dropped trou in the office!

The 18 NYU kids who occupied the Kimmel center got their just desserts: one week suspensions for all!

Boy George, the fey and once fancy-free 80's pop idol, has been found guilty of false imprisonment in the UK. The situation was peculiar: he handcuffed a 29-year-old HIV-positive Norwegian rent boy named Audun Carlsen to a wall at his London flat, supposedly because Carlsen fucked up George's computer while trying to steal illicit photos. Audun claimed it was revenge because he had refused to sleep with George on their first date, which they arranged through hookup site Gaydar.com.

Like some sort of real-life Gargamel (a single, balding man who lived alone with his cat), Stuart Ross, who brought the extremely gay cartoon show The Smurfs to these American shores, has been arrested for extortion. He was trying to bilk his son-in-law out of millions of dollars, threatening to ruin his reputation with some questionable emails or something. Then he cackled and scarfed down some Smurf berries and desperately tried to work up the courage to ask Vanity Smurf-or, you know, that guy Donald who's a piano teacher and has kind eyes that lives down the hall-out on a date.

Ruh roh. Devorah Rose, Social Life magazine person (and friend of totes essential heiress and blogger Emily Brill), has been robbed. Someone has purloined her digital camera, which contained many important photos. If you are the nefarious crook, don't even think about posting them online because Devi will know who you are and she will fuck your shit the fuck up. "This isn't a game. But if you want to play, I am going to win," she warns in the most ominous way possible, via a Facebook status update. The intimidation continues with a shot of her bikini clad self mashing up against some other young chippy. So take heed, wicked camburglar, don't be puttin' her stuff up on tumblr or she'll Flickr you in the head. Click for larger Sapphic Facebook screenshot. Update: A tipster tells us "FYI: No one actually stole her camera. Its a desperate attempt at an 'interesting' plot development of her upcoming reality show. And you just played into it with that posting..." Oh snap! We've been had! Devorah, u stole mah fotobucket.

Congratulations, rap pioneer Ricky "Slick Rick" Walters! You won't have to spend the summer on one of those sad, gray half-assed "beaches" of your native England, because the Governor of New York has granted you a full, unconditional pardon for your 1991 attempted murder conviction! "Walters, 43, has been under threat of being sent back to his native United Kingdom, although he has lived in the United States since he was a child. In a statement, he expressed gratitude to Paterson and his lawyers, and hoped that he could finally put the turmoil behind him. 'This has been a long and difficult road and I am happy for this to be settled once and for all," Walters said. "I look forward to enjoying this time with my family and friends and to continue leading an honest and productive life.'"

Oh, don't worry. Lindsay Lohan always learns her lesson. After she purloined an $11,000 fur coat from a Russian model and was eventually sued (for six figures) for the outrage, a rival of the trendy 1Oak club where the whole kerfuffle went down has offered to pay a settlement on LiLo's behalf and buy her an $11,000 coat. John Englebert, owner of the clubs Prime and Suzie Wong, made a statement through his publicist saying that he'd like to extend a kind hand to Lindsay as a balm for all her recent ills. Obviously this is a PR stunt, but it's also yet another weary indictment of a culture that gives free shit to the people who need it least. The American caste system is alive and well, at least here in the Windy Apple! Of course she hasn't, you know, accepted the offer (yet?), but still. Full publicist missive, from GroundReport, after the jump.

Someone has robbed Marc Jacobs! No, not of his heart. (Though the fashion designer's former fiancé Jason Preston is newly listed as "In a relationship" on the Facebook. Might this still make Marc sad?) Marc Jacobs has been robbed of precious, precious money. And lots of it. A 24-year-old Kansan named Kyle Avila (who, update!, posed naked for Marc Jacobs t-shirts!) was arrested at his apartment on 28th street for stealing $65,000 from the Marc by Marc Jacobs accessory store in the West Village, where he was a manager. Gay (we can assume) on gay crime! Avila was caught by another manager who noticed money was missing while looking through receipts. He confronted the larcenist and gave him until Sunday to return the money.