A bankrupt New Mexico peanut butter factory has been bought by a Canadian company. To what extent are you truly "keeping an eye" on our national peanut supply, Mr. President?

Jen Caron, a self-described "skinny white girl," enjoys yoga. Or she did, at least—until a harrowing experience which can be accurately described as, "There was a new person at yoga, and that person was black."

Attention, readers: this is not a test. This is not a drill. Please, without panicking, stop what you are doing and make your way to the nearest supermarket. Now. America may—and we stress may—be running out of Velveeta.

If there's one thing that the State of California wants in a drug and alcohol counselor, it's a spotless past free of crime. So the state was appalled to learn that felons may be counseling people about drugs. Do we want to live in a society that legalizes speaking from experience?

For centuries, it has been taken for granted that America's greatest resource, black yoga pants, would exist in shameless abundance forever.

Do you hear that sound? That's the sound of my heart breaking because you motherfuckers are not doing your part keep McDonald's afloat.

Just FYI, watch out if you go walking around Maine, because gross pinchy underwater spider monsters are practically overrunning the entire coastline like an army sent from hell to destroy humanity, with claws. The time for hope is past.

The latest front in America's whorish War on Decency could be as close as the drug store aisle. Our nation's Pandora-like women, outfitted in buttocks-baring short shorts as they prowl the landscape for the "good time" Appletini party boy of the night, now demand the right to have unspeakable varieties of grossly sexual concoctions and tools for prodding into nameless bodily crevices available for purchase at every small-town retailer and drug store. How long before your child comes home from a "candy run" to reveal a mouthful not of Lik-M-Aid but of KY Jelly, what with its eye-catching, alluring packaging?

Poor people: why are they poor and dissolute? In this modern age of electrical light-bulbs, horseless carriages, and the inter-net, what excuse hath any man for being less than prosperous? Today, even those of modest means can possess a cell phone, a television, and a "Google" machine that possesses many times the knowledge of the fabled Library of Alexandria. Why haven't our nation's paupers taken advantage of these capabilities to catapult themselves into the upper class?

Don't worry, folks! The crisis at Japan's Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power plant should be "over by the end of the year," according to a timeline from plant operator Tepco. "Over," in this case, means that the reactors will be cooled. (Radiation leaks will be "reduced" in three months.) Once "cold shutdown" is achieved, the reactors will be entombed in concrete and contaminated soil will be cleaned up; right now, Tepco is taking readings at the damaged plant through the use of remote-controlled robots. [BBC]

Japan's Nuclear and Industrial Safety Agency released the first round of photographs from the interior of the stricken Fukushima Dai-ichi Nuclear Power Plant, where 180 workers, operating in rotating shifts, are struggling to contain and control the release of radiation.

For the second time in two weeks, Libya has managed to cut off the country from the Internet. "It's like a post-apocalyptic scenario where the roads are there, there just isn't any traffic," explains one IT expert. [IBT via Techcrunch]

President Obama kept up the American pressure on Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi this afternoon, stating plainly, "Muammar el-Qaddafi has lost the legitimacy to lead, and he must leave." Obama has also authorized military aircraft to help evacuate refugees.

Libya's UN delegation has broken with dictator Muammar el-Qaddafi over his "crimes against humanity and crimes of war" and "genocide" against Libyan protesters, whom he has been carpet-bombing all day. Good call, Libya's UN delegation.

All 14 of Wisconsin's Democratic Senators have fled the state to deny Republicans a vote on their union-busting budget proposal, and to hide from Wisconsin police. Gov. Scott Walker has asked to please return to work, damnit. But where are they? Some generic motel in Illinois? Yes!

We come to you with a heavy heart to report that our long municipal nightmare of messy legal incidents involving women riding the subway with their tiny dogs still persists. Will New York ever be safe, for subway dogs?

Harper's Magazine is a wordy, smart magazine for self-satisfied liberals. Harper's Bazaar is a glossy fashion magazine. But according to the publisher of Harper's, it's a constant battle to make sure people don't confuse the two.

Now that the Somali Pirates have been decisively...killed, their fellow pirates are vowing to "retaliate." Oh geez. Hey guys, pirates—you're going about this the wrong way. Follow this friendly advice, before you're all destroyed:

Negotiations with a group of African elders (!) representing the Somali pirates over the fate of Capt. Richard Phillips broke down yesterday, as Americans demanded that the pirates be arrested and face justice.

What are these Somali pirates, Democrats? The four wretched bandits huddled in a drifting lifeboat surrounded by US Navy gunships are now demanding $2 million, or the knives come out: