Justin Bieber becomes a criminal battery suspect. Cynthia Nixon marries her girlfriend. Lindsay Lohan flees a $40,000 tanning salon bill. David Beckham likes to eat babies. Tuesday gossip is for old times' sake.

We know what Lady Gaga would say, but what if queerness isn't simply a matter of genetics? What if some of us choose to be gay? That's a more controversial question than it should be — after all, there's nothing inherently wrong with being gay, so it shouldn't matter that some people, for reasons of their own, have opted into it. Nevertheless, Cynthia Nixon pissed off a huge chunk of the LGBT community when she told The New York Times Magazine that she chooses to be gay.

Kim Kardashian deploys a team of tailors to sew her butt into her dress. Eva Longoria's new boyfriend has an "Eva" tattoo. Charlie Sheen passes two drug tests. Prince Harry will be Prince William's best man. Monday gossip busts out.

To prepare for court, Lindsay Lohan gets her hair did. Jude Law and Sienna Miller break up. Kim Kardashian gains 10 lbs. on "street meat." Kevin Smith loses 65 lbs. on a diet of shame. Wednesday gossip sits in judgment.

Somehow Simon Rich does the impossible. Truly remarkable. Also today: a new role for Cynthia Nixon, a new theater role for Hugh Jackman, Daniel Radcliffe is a German, Apes finds its Fay Wray, and the Oscars might be changing forever.

We were too busy trying to find something to watch on TV to actually attend the Sex and the City 2 premiere. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern went in our stead. Here is her adventure.

It was about being "fake." Speaking of fakes, guess which starlet got a boob job now? Jake Gyllenhaal fears ostriches. Ed Westwick fears Olivia Munn. Bethenny Frankel filmed her childbirth for a TV show.

There's usually a lag time between when everyone knows a celeb is a "friend of Dorothy" and when they finally come out. Starting with Ricky Martin the lovely ladies at Autostraddle have graphically charted the road out of the closet.

Ooh, new stills from the SATC sequel, set now in Morocco because Carrie Bradshaw is too sexy for Dubai and because, unlike designer labels, foreign locales are interchangeable. We have enhanced these images with exclusive leaked text from the script.

Paris Hilton filming a commercial for Israeli television on Lexington Avenue ... Mary-Kate Olsen leaving her apartment in the Village ... Mike Myers crossing the street in Tribeca ... Cynthia Nixon talking on her cell phone in the West Village ... Pierce Brosnan going to lunch on the Upper East Side ... Jennie Garth arriving at JFK ... Channing Tatum getting out of a car in front of the Apple store in SoHo ... Lauren Conrad arriving at the Wendy Williams Show in Midtown ... Mick Jagger having a late-night dinner at La Esquina ... and James Gandolfini leaving lunch at Bubby's on Hudson Street.

[Sex person Cynthia Nixon in The City yesterday; image via INF]

• Cynthia Nixon and her fiancée, education activist Christine Marinoni, have picked up a new weekend home: The couple are putting down $1.7 million for a 1,400-square-foot waterfront cottage in Montauk. [Newsday]
• Investment banker Lewis van Amerongen has gone into contract to sell his five-story townhouse at 13 East 71st Street, six months after slashing the price of the home by $8 million. The townhouse had been listed most recently for $16.95 million. [Cityfile, BHS]
• Kathleen Turner has dropped the price of her home in Amagansett by $1 million. The six-bedroom house, which has been on-and-off the market since 2005, is now listed for $4.95 million. [Newsday, PDE]
• It looks like the recent rumors about Anderson Cooper moving to a former firehouse in Village were true. The CNN anchor picked up the 8,240-square-foot building on West 3rd Street in September for $4.3 million and is now reportedly in the process of renovating the century-old building. [NYP]

We were assaulted by a drunk asshole at a Christmas party last night, so we missed the Did You Hear about the Morgans? premiere. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern doesn't get invited to anything, so she was around to cover.

John Krasinski and Emily Blunt hailing a cab around in Chelsea ... Cynthia Nixon running a few errands over the weekend ... Kate Hudson leaving her townhouse with her son Ryder and later walking with a cup of coffee in hand ... Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson leaving Bubby's on Hudson Street after brunch ... Chelsea Clinton leaving the Time Warner Center on Sunday afternoon ... Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell walking in Midtown ... Cate Blanchett hailing a cab with her two sons ... Ed Westwick shooting scenes for Gossip Girl on the Upper East Side and later going to lunch with Jessica Szohr ... Ben Roethlisberger getting into a car outside the Mandarin Oriental Hotel ... and John Mayer leaving dinner at Nobu.

A pregnant Karolina Kurkova walking in Tribeca with fiancé Archie Drury ... Catherine Zeta-Jones taking her kids Dylan and Carys to Pier 59 where she was celebrating her birthday ... Jared Leto riding a bike in SoHo ... Kirsten Dunst walking downtown ... Jennifer Hudson leaving her hotel with husband David Otunga ... Sienna Miller signing autographs outside her new Broadway play, After Miss Julie ... Cynthia Nixon walking in SoHo ... Oprah sitting in the back of an SUV ... Whitney Port filming scenes for The City on Friday afternoon ... Matthew Broderick riding bikes with son James in the Village ... Jonah Hill hanging out with a friend downtown ... and Rihanna leaving dinner at the Spotted Pig, and then going to the 40/40 club.

Nicky Hilton talking on her cell in Midtown ... Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen watching the US Open ... Matthew Broderick walking on East 61st Street ... Taylor Swift posing for photographers outside her hotel ... Mickey Rourke walking his dog in SoHo ... Keri Russell going to Starbucks with a friend ... Ne-Yo walking outside his hotel ... Kate Gosselin getting out of a limo ... Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale watching the US Open ... Bar Refaeli walking in the meatpacking district ... Mary-Kate Olsen leaving her townhouse with a friend ... Blake Lively walking in Midtown ... Cynthia Nixon walking on the Sex and the City set ... LaToya Jackson arriving at the Trump International Hotel ... Ed Westwick leaving his trailer on the Gossip Girl set, and going to dinner at Avenue with Jessica Szohr ... Courtney Love leaving the Mercer Hotel ... Oliver Stone standing on the set of Wall Street 2 on Park Avenue ... and Amber Rose shopping at Barneys on Madison Avenue.

Russell Simmons and Tina Brown having lunch yesterday at Da Silvano ... Cynthia Nixon walking downtown ... Daniel Craig carrying boxes into a building in Midtown, and then bumping into Diddy, who was was standing outside ... Ashlee Simpson arriving at JFK ... Blake Lively carrying an American Eagle shopping bag ... Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard walking in SoHo ... Al Pacino filming scenes for You Don't Know Jack in Brooklyn ... actor David Eigenberg standing with his son and wife on the Sex and the City set ... Hilary Duff talking on her cell phone ... and Shia LaBeouf and Carey Mulligan holding hands in SoHo.

Bruce Willis and wife Emma Heming walking on the Upper West Side ... Kelly Ripa shopping with her kids in Soho ... Ivanka Trump walking into NBC ... Matt Damon getting in an SUV with wife Luciana and daughters Isabella and Gia ... Cynthia Nixon with with Christine Marinoni talking on her cell phone ... Hugh Jackman eating popsicles in the park with his kids, Oscar and Ava ... Taylor Momsen getting out of a car ... Karolina Kurkova walking downtown ... Ashlee Simpson leaving the Children's Museum of Manhattan on West 83rd Street ... Jesse James getting in an SUV ... Chace Crawford, Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick walking around together in Soho ... Rihanna going into a movie theater downtown ... Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling shooting scenes for their new movie in Queens ... and Anne Hathaway walking her dog in the East Village.

An army of A-listers showed to last night's 69th annual American Ballet Theatre spring gala (and, if they were lucky, got a glimpse of Michelle Obama dressed in a black Alaia dress and Thakoon jacket). Among those in attendance: Anna Wintour, Carolina and Reinaldo Herrera, Chuck Schumer, Christine and Steve Schwarzman, David and Julia Koch, Caroline Kennedy and Ed Schlossberg, Calvin Klein, Francisco Costa, Ivanka Trump, Caryn and Jeff Zucker, Annette and Matt Lauer, Al Roker and Deborah Roberts, Lorne Michaels, Desiree Rogers, Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy, Renee Zellweger, Sigourney Weaver, Tory Burch, Iman, Grace Hightower, Rachel Roy, Robbie Myers, Hamish Bowles, Renee Fleming, Lisa Perry, Muffie Potter Aston, Amanda Brooks, Peter and Jamee Gregory, Yvonne Force Villareal, Marina Rust Connor, Marjorie Gubelmann, Nina Griscom and Leonel Piraino, Karen and Richard LeFrak, Blaine Trump, Harry Evans, Hilary Rhoda, Coco Rocha, Mariska Hargitay, Lindsay Price, Kim Raver, Ruben Toledo and Isabel Toledo, Dree Hemingway, Gillian and Sylvester Miniter, and Kelly Ripa and husband Mark Consuelos (left), a former dancer himself. [PMc, Wireimage, Style.com]

• Alex Rodriguez has a new, more age-appropriate celeb to spend his lonely nights with. The Yankee was spotted with Kate Hudson at a UES restaurant and outside 15 Central Park West, the apartment building where he rents. And they seem happy, too, which may be because she doesn't force him to wake up early on Saturday mornings to attend Kabbalah classes. [P6]
• Scarlett Johansson and Gwyneth Paltrow are reportedly butting heads on the set of Iron Man 2. Gwynnie is supposedly mad that Scarlett's been "hogging the limelight" and demanding too much attention from the crew. [Sun]
• It looks like Mel Gibson's new girlfriend is pregnant, after all. [MSNBC, P6]
• Estée Lauder CEO William Lauder and his wife Karen have split up. [P6]
• Penelope Cruz missed a scheduled appearance with Harvey Weinstein in Cannes this week because of food poisoning, although Harvey says she's expected to recover in time for the premiere of their new movie tonight. [Us]