• David Hasselhoff's 14-year-old daughter Hayley "cut herself" on Sunday night in what apparently was a suicide attempt. Not a lot of jokes to be made here, but perhaps The Hoff might want to reconsider his drunken public persona. (And hey, wankers, let's not make fun of aesthetics?) [TMZ]
• After soccerthrob David Beckham was dropped from the English team, he turned to Tom Cruise for comfort. For warmth. For the sort of love that feels like a breath of fresh air after years spent in a cave... [IMDb]
• Steven Tyler has Hepatitis C. What does it mean when you read an item like this and just shrug? [Lowdown]
• In Robert Smigel's new routine, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will rape an Ernie doll and taunt him for having gay sex with his Sesame Street roommate, Bert. Puppet rape. It's really come to this. [Page Six]
• After just one week of pre-marital bliss, Aaron Carter calls off his engagement. Slow Monday, we know. [Us Weekly]
• If you inhaled during the early 00s, you know and love infomercial psychic Miss Cleo. And if you're a lady, she's ready to love you back. [NYDN]
• File under shit you didn't need to know: Donald Trump's porn name would either be "Big" or "The Trump Tower." [Page Six]

At a conference last week, Google's most public VP (Marissa "Evita" Mayer) was spotted crediting sites like Google Video for the rise of Z-list celebs. And, sadly, she's right — the Star-Wars-Kid news cycle shrank from months to hours, thanks to some low-rent stars, not all of them new. Says Mayer:

• Lindsay's "friend" swears up and down that Lohan is off the nose candy. Just because she's not doing it with you, honey... [Gatecrasher]
• Anna Wintour's interior designer/party planner David Monn has dared to ditch the Vogue editor. After two years of designing her precious Costume Insitute Gala, Monn didn't get so much as a namecheck in the latest Vogue write-up, so he dumped Wintour from his client list. Hellfire, brimstone TK. [Page Six]
• Pete Doherty has been arrested again for possession. This has to be some sort of record, either for drug arrests or utter stupidity. [RS]
• Samantha Cole, the other questionable lady who once slept with Christie Brinkley's philandering hubby Peter Cook, still can't parlay her revived infamy into getting her CD played at a club. [R&M (2nd to last)]
• It's official: the Hoff is a single man. Why are your pants still on?? [Us Weekly]
• Paris Hilton does shots of water, because she hates the taste of alcohol. Besides, she's just as wasted when she's drinking water. [TMZ]
• The secret to a thriving PR company? Cocaine. Not just for your clients, but for yourself. Yay! [Page Six]

Now that everyone seems to have calmed down about Chuck Norris, David Hasselhoff has re-re-re-emerged as the fleeting kitsch masculinity icon of the moment, receptive to the brutish advances of anyone with a reasonably fat endorsement check. Hence this ad for British net provider Pipex that's been making the rounds, where Hasselhoff loudly claims his title as "king of the Internet." One has to admire the Hoff — briefly — for throwing himself shamelessly into the mugging. Afterwards, you realize you never want to say "the Hoff" again, even sarcastically.

It's hard to pick out the most amazing thing about this Hasselhoff video: The Hoff's clinging to both his former Knight Rider and Baywatch glory, the incredibly bad production values, or the premise that he'd kick a hot piece of ass out of his car because she lives too far away would all make fine choices. But we'll have to go with the fact that KITT has been modified to European automobile standards so that Hasselhoff's German fans won't be jarred by the sight of the steering wheel on the left hand side of the vehicle.*
· Who are the hottest (by "hot," we're considering only their physical attibutes—who the hell cares if they can sell?) real estate brokers in LA? Curbed has the answer.
· Charlie Sheen must continue to stay 300 yards from Denise Richards, or the state of California will revoke his cheerleader-visitation privileges.
· Breaking! Kathy Griffin is a big c-word! Update: Kathy Griffin is not a big c-word because her publicist made nice with the angry internet man.

• David Hasselhoff is barred from Wimbledon because he sweats vodka and tried to get in without a ticket, screaming, "Do you know who I am? I'm the Hoff!" David, that shit only works on the set of Baywatch Nights. [Page Six]
• Nicky Hilton plans to open her own chain of hotels. The girl loves a challenge. [People]
• Hillary Clinton refuses to cooperate with writer Gail Sheehy for her forthcoming profile in Vanity Fair, maybe because Sheehy is seen attending events in a bright orange blazer. [Lowdown]
• Get photographed with some blow, and you'll raise your income by $11 million. Sears Portrait Studio, here we come! [Page Six]
• Russell Crowe and Danielle Spencer give birth to a baby boy; Crowe promptly punches baby in the face. [Us Weekly]
• Johnny Damon smoked pot as a kid. Related: new study finds that some teens drink alcohol. [R&M]

· David Hasselhoff's unbelievable winning streak comes crashing down on him like a crystal chandelier that his head hit while shaving at some gym or something, we're too close to the weekend to really care.
· Jennifer Lopez uses every legal means necessary to shut her first husband up, before he spills the beans on the voodoo practices she directed towards "this particular lady." We have a feeling it involved slitting a live chicken's neck over a picture of Mariah Carey in order to make sure Glitter tanked. (Worked, too!)
· Close but no cigar, Keith Urban.
· We're glad Prime Minister Koizumi can finally dispel that tired old stereotype of the Japanese being obsessed with American celebrities and culture. (By the way, doesn't the President have, like, war shit to attend to before hitting the Karate Wing at Graceland?)
· Gold Derby has whittled down the humongous list of probable Emmy nominees to a more manageable, gigantic list, though it must not be completely accurate, because they seem to have omitted Ghost Whisperer.
· Don't feel too bad for Aaron Spelling. He's too busy training his team of SWAT-CORPSES to worry about the annoying women he left behind.

It's David Hasselhoff Comeback Week, and now that it's here, we kind of wish things would go back to the way they were. We liked it better when the guy was a relic from our youths who carved out a second-act music career in Germany and had a last name containing all the funny-sounding letters of the alphabet. Now we have to deal with Hasselhoff the movie star (see him play the creepy boss in Click, in theaters today), Hasselhoff the reality TV star (see him be a creepy judge on America's Got Talent, which premiered Wednesday), and Hasselhoff the morning show guest (see him act like a creepy ex-husband, and generally scare the shit out of Soledad O'Brien, on CNN this morning.) Was it only just weeks ago that the Hoff brought us all so much happiness, openly weeping at the American Idol finale? Now, he even managed to ruin that for us, making us feel all bad and shit invoking a friend's brain tumor in a sanctimonious defense of his moist-eyed actions. His statement is after the jump.

· The MTV Movie Awards are airing now on the East Coast. (9 p.m. for us.) If you haven't been invited to a viewing party, it's much too late—you're watching them alone. And don't look Jessica Alba's televised image in the eye—you're not worthy.
· America's Next Top Model just got some major competition in the reality show catfight department.
· See how the Butterscotch Stallion compares to Lightning McQueen, his Cars counterpart, as well as the rest of the cast of the big Pixar release. (We're digging Cheech Marin's Ramone.)
· The David Hasselhoff comeback is nigh. (And Gnarls Barkley is his inspiration! Who knew?)
· Popbitch teaches us something new: "'Shiloh Pitt' in Swedish translates as 'two pounds of cock'." (Fouth item.)
· And finally, an easy way to eBay your way to Miracle Pancake millions!

Shortly after we posted a picture of David Hasselhoff's tearful Idol finale moment, some readers pointed out the choked-up actor's shocking—shocking!— resemblance to both Mrs. Doubtfire and lavishly upholstered septuagenarian producer Robert Evans. Perhaps most troubling about the above images is that Hasselhoff and Evans ignored their plastic surgeons' warnings that a completely forseeable side effect of multiple facelifts on aging, bespectacled men is developing an unfortunate likeness to Robin Williams in a latex mask, but vainly undertook their futile quests for eternal youth anyway.

Any exhausting, hours-long orgy is bound to have unexpected moments of transcendence punctuating its otherwise mechanical, fill-every-hole excess, when the right body part finds its way into the perfect orifice, momentarily elevating the entire enterprise into something far greater than the sum of its hopelessly entangled, blindly thrusting parts. Last night's American Idol finale generated its indelible moment in the waning seconds of its two-hour talent show of the damned, when cameras caught former Baywatch icon and pop-star-in-his-own-right David Hasselhoff misting up as silver-maned, low-grade seizure sufferer Taylor Hicks was finally named this season's champion, spilling the unselfconscious tears of one who realizes he's witnessing the birth of another music career that will only be properly appreciated in Germany.

· There are still more than two days left in an eBay auction for Angelina Jolie's hairbrush, but if you've got $36,000 to burn and a potentially fatal aversion to delayed gratification, you can Buy It Now! [via A Socialite's Life]
· These video clips of Lindsay Lohan and Paris "Don't Call Me Mr. Hilton" Latsis entering Koi separately clearly indicate that the two tabloid-friendly stars will soon be involved in a relationship of a sexual nature.
· Likewise, these pictures of an inebriated-looking Zach Braff and Rachel Bilson partying in Canada obviously reveal that the two actors are carrying on an affair.
· An idea whose time has come: The Defense Against Celebrity Marriage Amendment.
· Sure, you can spend a couple of minutes playing Waxhoff online and have a few giggles. But for less than the cost of some appetizers at TGI Friday's, we bet you could get the real Hasselhoff to let you wax his chest. Not that he needs the money, he just loves his fans that much.