According to the newest AP report on the horrors of Rio, things have gotten so bad that just looking at its toilet ocean is about enough to potentially kill you.

Even more sad news out of Two and a Half Men, a halfway house for the criminally insane: Jon Cryer—arguably the most well-adjusted of the group, whatever that means—once turned to Charlie Sheen for help hiring prostitutes because he was "an emotional basket case" over his divorce.

For centuries, we've naively believed that man was the king of the animals. But is that just want they wanted us to think??

Partial remains of several victims of the September 11th terrorist attacks ended up in a landfill, it was revealed today.

Osama Bin Laden was killed in a firefight with U.S. forces in Pakistan on Sunday. Here's the latest news: DNA confirmation hasn't been completed; the U.S. has a photo; inside Osama's compound, and more.

Texas twins Edward and Edwin Berndt, both 48, have been arrested and charged with murder after cops discovered their mother's corpse on the floor of the home the three shared.

Opus, Berkeley Breathed's troubled, herring-loving penguin, has managed to eek out an existence since he first hit the strip "Bloom County" in 1980. But now he's gonna die, because Breathed is gonna kill him, and it's all your fault, snarky snarking internet users! Asked why Breathed is ending Opus's self-named strip next week after a five year run, Breathed tells Salon, "We're not a movie. In most aspects, there's no arc to the human story. Only a line heading upward. For nearly everything. In this case, the coarsening of the National Discourse. We aren't returning someday to any sort of golden era of political civility. The line heads heavenward and has been since the Republic started. And with the intersection of two rather dramatic dynamics — the cable and Web technology allowing All Snark All the Time ... and the political realities of No More Free Lunch in America, it will spike in the coming years like Don Draper's sex life, and I hereby pledge that that's the last pop reference I use." But isn't it during dark times that we most need funny satire? Screw you, noob!

Some weekend. Isaak Hayes died today at his home in Memphis, Tennessee. He was 65. His wife found him unconscious next to his treadmill, which was still running. Paramedics could not revive him and he was pronounced dead shortly after 2:00 p.m., according to the Shelby County Sheriff's Department. Among the highlights of his career, Hayes won an Oscar for his extraordinary theme to 1971's Shaft. And won over a whole new generation of fans with his role as the beloved Chef on South Park. Cause of death has not been reported yet, but foul play is not suspected. I'll update as details come in. [CNN]

An update on dearly departed comedian and actor Bernie Mac. His friends are expressing their love for the man and their grief at his passing today. ""Bernie Mac was one of the best and funniest comedians to ever live, but that was the second best thing he did," said fellow comic Chris Rock. "Bernie was one of the greatest friends a person could have. Losing him is like losing 12 people because he absolutely filled up any room he was in. I'm gonna miss the Mac Man."

Actor/comedian Bernie Mac passed away in a Chicago hospital this morning a week after being hospitalized with pneumonia, his publicist Danica Smith confirmed. He was 50. The sad news comes as a shock since newspaper reports just yesterday stated that he was responding well to treatment and would be released soon.

The Gulag Archipelago author Alexander Solzhenitsyn died today at the age of 89. "The Nobel laureate and former dissident died of heart failure at 11:45 pm (1945 GMT), the writer's son said, according to the [Itar-Tass news] agency. Solzhenitsyn won the Nobel Prize for literature in 1970 after writing harrowing works about the Soviet Union's system of labour camps. He was expelled from the Soviet Union in 1974, thereby becoming Cold War icon. He wrote about life in the Gulag with harrowing detail in his most celebrated works: 'One Day In The Life of Ivan Denisovich', 'The First Circle' and 'The Gulag Archipelago'."

Bernie Mac's publicist spent much of last night dispelling rumors that the 50-year-old comedian has died. He was checked into a Chicago hospital with pneumonia Friday night, but she says he's still alive and responding well to treatment. A source close to Mac's family, however, describes his condition as "very, very critical."

Conservative talking head and former George W. Bush press secretary Tony Snow died of colon cancer today. He was 53. After a decade at Rupert Murdoch's Fox News, Snow served 17 months in the Bush administration, from May 2006 through September 2007. "Although a star in conservative politics, as a commentator he had not always been on the president's side. He once called Bush 'something of an embarrassment' in conservative circles and criticized what he called Bush's 'lackluster' domestic policy."

"We have a society columnist who looks at the computer and says, 'Over my dead body.' And that may indeed be the situation." —A city and regional publisher on the struggle to change the editorial culture at his magazine. [FOLIO]