If you watched the all-new, Charlie Sheen-less Two and a Half Men Monday night, you caught a gag in which the recently dead Charlie's ashes are accidentally tossed all over the place. The kind of thing you only see in a sitcom? Perhaps, but nevertheless, it served to underscore what a dusty mess cremains really are. But now there's an alternative: liquefaction!
Here's a little forensics test for the Encyclopedia Browns among you. A woman is dead. The killer is a McDonald's soda fountain. That's all we know — so how did it happen? (No cheating. And no helping the others if you already know!)
Immune cancer! Alpha males! Child naps! Hospital sepsis! Kidney disease! Erectile cure! More diabetes! Designer drugs! And you won't want to miss today's fruit that will kill you! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—opioidally!
In last week's Republican presidential debate, the crowd gave Rick Perry a round of applause when the moderator mentioned that he'd executed 234 people during his time as Texas governor. So was he heartened last night, too, when some folks cheered in response to Wolf Blitzer's question, "Are you saying that society should just let [uninsured person] die?" Nope! That shit scared him.
Before she was Tiger Woods' mistress and a member of Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab harem, Rachel Uchitel was the 9/11 widow featured in an iconic Associated Press photograph that appeared on frontpages of newspapers the world around. As the ten-year anniversary of her former fiance's death approaches, Uchitel reflects on her loss:
Depressercise! Eczema breasts! Sugar drinks! Dead babies! College smoking! Porn hiatus! Bird flu! Fat science! And all your tense sleep is making you tense, and sleepy! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—invasively!
German reactors! Hurricane prediction! Spatial men! Mind microbes! Mysterious Demisovans! Green office! Faster boarding! Space danger! And the liquid corpse option has arrived! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—posthumously!
Jere Melo, a former mayor and current city councilman in Fort Bragg, California, was shot and killed last Saturday while he was out investigating reports of a weed-growing operation in the forests surrounding his town (Melo also worked for a timber company.) The main suspect in the case: Aaron Bassler (pictured), local crazy person. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
A man in the New York City neighborhood of Washington Heights brought the terror that Shake-n-Quake '11 failed to deliver by allegedly stabbing four elderly people—three women and a man—with a ten-inch knife, killing the man. He also punched out a 22-year-old neighbor. Witnesses say he was "emotionally disturbed." Bit of an understatement there.
Menopause things! Cancer secrets! Exercise longevity! Teen sleepers! Prostate genes! Virus superdrug! Healthy obesity! Addiction breakthrough! And Alzheimer's patients demand pancakes! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in an ultimately futile manner!
A new study shows that watching one hour of television can shorten your life by 22 minutes. According to research done in Australia (so how trustworthy can it be?), sitting on your fat ass in front of the boob tube for an hour is deadly, not because you're watching TV, but because you aren't doing anything.
Look at this cow making a break for it! This cow ran away from a slaughterhouse in Queens on Wednesday! This cow is running down a street called "Liberty Avenue," no joke! Run, cow, run!
Triathlon danger! Heat death! Twin town! Crazy leaders! Spermless mosquitoes! Teen vaccines! Worthless soy! Old surgery! And the very latest way that you're killing your poor children! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—microscopically!
