[Margin of error: +/- 9.5 trillion]

· LA Ink star and flaming Star of David tattoo-conceptualizer Kat Von D stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live! with her mom and new boyfriend, Nikki Sixx, in tow. Above, she proudly displays the love note Sixx drunkenly etched upon her right shoulder. Oh well—a growling panther head should cover that up nicely. [Jimmy Kimmel Live]

· The pregnant transgendered man has sold his life story, working title Love Makes A Family: A Memoir of Hardship, Healing and an Extraordinary Pregnancy, to St. Martin's Press. We already have some casting ideas for the inevitable movie: No, not Cillian "Peacock" Murphy, he's too obvious. We're thinking Gyllenhaal! (Both of them.) [HuffPo]

· "What happened to that guy?! 'Cause if that guy came back he could totally put it in me." No truer words have ever been spoken, Livejournal user fatherleary. [ONTD]

· Thomas Dekker: The Sashay Chante Chronicles, Part Deux: "You think you own me, left half of my zip-up sweater? Just. You. Watch." [Just Jared]

· Everyone wins on this season's American Idol—even the never-rans: Josiah Leming, the emo kid runaway who lived in his car and saw his dreams smothered by a heartless, Paula-led tribunal, gets signed by freaking Warner Bros. Records. [Reuters]

What better way to annul your time spent in rehab than by pulling the old “It was just research!” card? That’s what Eva Mendes is allegedly claiming, pegging her January stay at Le Cirque in Utah to an upcoming role in Queen Of The South where she'll play a female drug lord or, as some have termed the character, “the female Scarface.” At the time, so-called insiders came forward saying Mendes was everything from a “closet drinker” to a prescription drug addict. Though it’s a nice thought that Mendes’ month-long stay alongside real-live drunk Kirsten Dunst was just a hush-hush effort to really feel like a druggie, we took a look at the timeline coupled with Mendes’ past, and find the excuse weak at best:

To add yet another unlikely wrinkle to the Wesley Snipes Totally Fucking Insane Tax-Avoidance Trial of the Century, artful Uncle Sam-dodger Wesley Snipes has convinced a judge (and, we suspect, unabashed Murder at 1600 fanatic) to release the actor on bail pending an appeal to his three-year sentence for accidentally forgetting in which shoe box he placed the IRS's $38 million check:

Where to even start when discussing a documentary about Lemmy Kilmister, the legendary Motorhead frontman and apparent subject of a forthcoming film appropriately enough titled Lemmy? Even the fucking co-directors don't even know, with filmmaker Greg Olliver telling Billboard today: "Shooting Lemmy is like filming dangerous wildlife. He never does what you expect him to do, and he never does anything you want him to do." Olliver's partner, Wes Orshoski, agreed: "Lemmy never ceases to surprise me. ... You think you know who Lemmy is, but you have no idea. If you think you have Lemmy all figured out, trust me. You don't!" Actually... we think we might.

Defamer ToDoLogist Molly McAleer wasn't available today, but luckily Lindsay Lohan was available to pinch hit at the last minute. On your activity platter for today, Thursday, May 22, 2008:

· The French Kicks at the Echo.
· Hall and Oats at the Troubador.
· Richmond's House of Comedy at the Improv.

So there was this legendary rock producer? And he was a real weirdo who lived in a castle and was obsessed with guns and hating women? And this B-movie actress working at House of Blues went home with him? And her head was blown off? And the producer walked out with the gun in his hand and told his driver, "I think I just killed somebody?" Anyway, there was a trial, but the jury was hung, and so now there's going to be another. It's set for September. [Reuters]

Where are the big spenders this year at Cannes? After a 2007 buying spree that topped out with Universal snagging We Own the Night for a whopping $11.5 million, only one distributor has made any considerable investment in the current crop of selections — IFC Films, which made news Wednesday by acquiring the acclaimed Irish drama Hunger, its seventh buy in as many days. And even its other deals — an international mash-up including A Christmas Tale (France), Chaser (S. Korea) and the American indie The Pleasure of Being Robbed — are slated for minimal theatrical play as they funnel into IFC's day-and-date on-demand circuit.

We still can’t figure out why, but the tiny former child stars-turned-designers Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen remain terribly convinced that they are very important. So important, in fact, that they treat their various Manhattan apartments like Bel Air mansions and generally shit all over their neighbors. As one next-door resident put it, “you’d think the President was living here.” Sure, if Dubya got decked out in shiny skirts and pounds of jewelry before partying til the wee hours and coming home soaked in vintage wine and memories night after night (which, by all means, he might). More on what kinds of trouble the little rascals are rousing in their downtown party casa after the jump.

Who among us wasn't reduced to a useless, blubbering pile of lady-lovin' shmaltz upon learning from groom-to-be Ellen DeGeneres that she had asked for Portia de Rossi's hand shortly following the California Supreme Court's landmark same-sex marriage ruling? On today's show, presumptive Republican Party nominee John McCain stopped by to court its audience of all-important swing-dancers, and quickly found himself squarely in the crosshairs.

In a scene that was eerily reminiscent of the film Network, actress Uma Thurman stuck her head out her building's window and publicly vented frustrations about her cell phone company. Thurman's action inspired a man in the building across the street to yell about his frustration with his cable company's lack of HD channels, which caused the man on the floor below him to yell back that he should look into getting satellite television. As is wont to happen in New York City, the two men got into a very loud and public debate over satellite vs. cable. Thurman saw the men across yelling and yelled at them, "Hey, don't ruin my moment with a bunch of bullshit HD talk. This was about me and my issues with my phone, dingus."

The recent spike in comics franchises and other superhero entertainment could soon take an especially fabulous turn if Perry Moore gets his way. The novelist and Chronicles of Narnia co-producer (pictured) blabbed to Vulture this week about negotiations to adapt his young adult novel Hero — about Thom Creed, "the world's first gay superhero" — for TV; Moore expects a deal with one of two unnamed networks any day now, but he isn't waiting around to affirm its credibility among gays, fanboys, gay fanboys, executives and myriad other demographic permutations:

The latest celebrity said to be jumping on the nudie pregnant pictures bandwagon is Nicole Kidman, who was seen yesterday attending a "top secret" modeling session for a potential cover shoot with Frenchy photographer extraordinaire Patrick Demarchelier. While he's no Annie Leibovitz, and it's unknown which magazine this shoot was for, Demarchelier is a monthly contributor for Allure, Vogue, and Demi Moore's old knocked-up-while-nude stomping grounds, Vanity Fair. So whether or not Nicole is looking to appear on an upcoming cover of VF as Demi's successor is still unknown, but we took a look back at some classic big-bellied celebrity appearances in the past to see some glossy examples of what Kidman will be competing with in the Nude And Pregnant Hall of Fame:

· After a season of slumping ratings, Idol's finale matched last year's, pulling in an estimated 31.7 million viewers—roughly the same number of people who revisited their own gag reflexes upon hearing Mike Myers's pedophilic suggestion the David Archuleta would soon sprout "hair in weird and wonderful places." [Variety]
· We mourn the death of the once great and mighty television movie with news that the Tiffany network is "dumping" two long-completed examples of the genre—Mary-Louise Parker in Vinegar Hill and a Jessica Lange-starring remake of Sybil—in the Saturday night TV burial ground. RIP CBS MOW. [Variety]

Even as our Indiana Jones PlunderWatch ticker moves inexorably closer to $9.5 trillion, a proportionately huge response to the new film is also taking place in high-traffic piracy circles around the globe. A bit of Defamer research (as well as a few winks from seedy, trench-coated informants in the digital shadows) reveals a surge in foreign-language torrents, including France's dynamite adaptation Indiana Jones et le Royeaum du Crane de Cristal. Another look at the soaring box-office, though — $250,000 in Belgium alone! Incroyable! — hints that little (if anything) will slow the hero's conquest as the weekend rolls on.

It’s that time of the month year again! Oprah Winfrey, frequent flier on the countless and very public weight watching rollercoaster, has decided to turn her oft-used diet switch into On mode one more time. And the newest attempt at shedding pounds may be her kookiest plan yet, which Oprah says was inspired by a book called Quantum Wellness in addition to online sessions with a motivational speaker. Yes, these days those loud-mouthed mood boosters can motivate you without having to actually speak at all! So how will Winfrey rise to the get-slim-quick occasion this go-round? With tasty delights like mouth-watering tempeh and and positively sinful wheat-free crepes:

Where to even begin with last night's American Idol Results Show Grand Finale Spectacular? While it may not have provided the knee-buckling rush of emotion that accompanies a shot of a moist-eyed David Hasselhoff witnessing the coronation of his prematurely graying Soul King, there were more than a few unmistakable moments of true poignancy: from George Michael's haunting "Praying For Time," to David Cook's landslide victory lap, to the Jonas Brothers' heartfelt plea on behalf of the Aging Sibling Pop Star Fund, with every dollar pledged earmarked for famine-relief among surviving members of The Jets, DeBarge, Hanson, and the like.

We can think of any number of uses for the special talents of James Van Praagh, co-executive producer of The Ghost Whisperer, bestselling author and psychic medium to the stars. On one hand, the news of his recent consorting with Heath Ledger's ghost has us surmising that he might just be another facet of Warner Bros. viral marketing machine for The Dark Knight. Reading on between the lines, however, our own Spidey-sense tingled upon perceiving the true implications of Van Praagh's power:

It was only a matter of time 'til everyone’s collective inside joke about Sex And The City sounding a whole lot like Sex And The Shitty accidentally escaped from one talking head’s mouth. And of all the people to do it, we couldn’t be happier that fuzzy ol’ Dave Letterman was the one to (oops!) say this particular darndest thing out loud. Because how exactly can sweet-as-sugar Kristin Davis get mad at sweet-as-butterscotch Dave? Sure, we could all get irritated at Paul seizing the blooper as an opportunity to get all curse-happy up on the set, but when Dave pulls out the passive aggressive jab at the Most Important Movie Of All Time, even its soberific star has to laugh along. Even when he goes so far as to bypass any discussion of the shitty film whatsoever.

After a brief honeymoon with cupcake and various delicious treats, Grey's Anatomy star Katherine Heigl switched back to the Hollywood power diet of cigarettes and Diet Coke. Heigl has cited the change in diet for the overall improvement in her disposition. Heigl said, "I was always so bitchy and crazy when I was ingesting sugar all the time. Now that I'm back to the natural elements, the basics, I don't know. I feel so energized and not dreading everything. I'm starting to not mind Joshua's bitching and even sometimes, allowing him to call himself, Josh. "