The first-in-the-world hype accompanying Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull's premiere at Cannes appears to remain the only story of interest to most festivalgoers, with everything from live-blogs of the screening to more meditative reads ("I was bored out of my mind," writes Manohla Dargis) peppering the spectrum of feedback. Of course there's always Harvey Weinstein, who continues his Cannes dealings with impunity despite our corporate death sentence leveled last week. And people actually seem to like Woody Allen's latest! It's the '80s all over again!

Recover from a weekend so sweltering, you briefly entertained the idea of seeing Speed Racer just to take advantage of two hours' worth of Americana AC, with a glance at some refreshingly chilled box office numbers:
1. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - $56.573 million
It was an easy win for the second chapter of the only major Hollywood franchise that, to our knowledge, is also a lightly encoded Christ-allegory prominently featuring a ferocious talking beaver. (We suppose a reasonable case could be made for the Basic Instinct series, but that debate is for another time. And yes, we just made a beaver joke. It's going to be that kind of Monday.) In next installment The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the heroic young protagonists will be firmly entrenched in their gawky pubescent phase, leading to an awkward facts-of-life talk delivered by a visibly uncomfortable Aslan regarding the pile of crusty underarmor garments he found stashed in their wardrobe. Narnia forever!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has been unveiled at last for international critics, and with most verdicts coming in mixed to above-average, our discriminating tastes still found much left to be desired. Defamer editor Seth Abramovitch and senior editor S.T. VanAirsdale attended yesterday's screenings in Los Angeles and New York, respectively, after which the slow process of psychological reckoning and franchise restoration began the only way they knew how: via instant messaging.

It may not contain that promised footage of Angelina Jolie smoking heroin, but the rumored “drug tape” featuring the future mother-of-six has been released by a British tabloid. And while Jolie herself isn’t filmed doing any drugs, she doesn't appear to need any, as she spends a good two minutes babbling about how S&M has spiritually changed her life. As her anonymous junkie friend casually smokes heroin next to her, Angelina talks nonstop as though the shady characters huddled nearby are licensed therapists. How seeing her baby lizard left in the sun changed her life, and why she is just so tired of explaining to people that sadomasochism is not just about accessories but about healing, after the jump.

· Upfront Week had something to underwhelm everyone: ABC's traveling game shows. FOX's mysterious smoke-ring people. CBS's contribution to the fat dad/hot wife sitcom genre, The CW's 90210. Who did we leave out? Oh yeah. Him.
· Defamer offers you a front row seat to us covering Cannes coverage in our underwear!
· Yo, Speed Racer: Eat Iron Man's iron shorts! Emile Hirsch burns rubber out of UTA.
· Is the final nail in Nailed's coffin? Yes! No! Yes! We don't know! Sooobbb.
· Few karaoke survivors following Fantasia's Idol bloodbath.
· Danny Glover fondly recalls taking fistfuls of psychedelics and fucking his brains out during the Summer of Love in a new VH1 doc.
· Don't believe everything Dolly Parton tells you about Burt Reynolds and Johnny Carson's double-teaming exploits. It's studio trickery!
· Here's what we know for sure about Sex and the Movie: Carrie shoves bread in her mouth while making the biggest announcement of her life. It's too long. And Sarah Jessica Parker's hat and hands freak us the fuck out.
· Megan Fox, as naked as you're likely to see her this week.
· Lindsay Lohan: The Lesbian Rumor Years. The tears! The hickeys!
· We're ever so slightly less concerned about Jennifer Aniston's fragile state of mind. For now at least.
· Brad Pitt's new tattoo is right above his coinslot.
· Defamer rides the specialvator to an SNL taping!
· Will you be my lawfully wedded Lamas, to have and to hold, so long as the cameras are still running? I do!
· Which reminds us! When are they going to have a gay Bachelor, already? (We mean, besides seasons 3 through 7.) Jodie Foster must have sure felt a rumbling on the horizon.
· Trampy Gwynnie Tosses Frocks
· It's like Annie Hall, but with more Scarlett-on-Penelope action.
· Simply, Shia.
· One Night Only: Grazerhead Returns.

· Today on The View, Teri Hatcher explained that the only reason she is subjecting us to her singing is for the little children. Well the little children are all dead now, Teri. Your singing killed them. Happy? [The View]
· Homeless no longer! [NY Times]
· Goodness, is it already time to crown another World's Ugliest Dog? It is! But how to choose? They're all so ugly! Oops, Pee Wee Martini just made us puke on our keyboards. We have a winner. [Sonoma-Marin Fair 2008]
· And when you get accustomed to that end, try the other! [cartoonbrew.com via b3ta]
· If we could get serious for a moment, Richard Simmons is crazy for Cranergy. He will be missed. [ET Online]

Yes, it's 98 degrees outside. No, that's not some sort of subliminal plug for Nick Lachey. Rather, it's a prompt for Defamer Videographer Molly McAleer to warn all of you — especially you, Mr. Pale Hipster — to wear sunscreen this weekend. That is, if you're planning to leave the house to attend one of the many awesome recommendations we have for you in this weekend's To Do list. And why wouldn't you? As great as air conditioning is, spending QT with your friends is that much cooler. Get it? Temperature puns (we know, we know ... groan). Anyway, you can thank us on Monday. Until then, here's Molly!

What would a week at Defamer HQ be without a Scientology scandal? To wit: What do you get when you cross closet case Will Smith and an old high school in Calabasas? Try the New Village Academy, which the star reportedly underwrote this week with an $890,000, three-year lease of the former Indian Hills High School and a curriculum comprising a little bit of everything — Montessori here, constructivism there, and a liberal dollop of something called "study technology" developed by none other than education pioneer "L.R. Hubbard."

Apparently Justin Timberlake and Madonna’s time spent collaborating in the studio was far from the sexy joy ride in needle park we originally envisioned. As Timberlake tells the altar-bound Ellen in this clip, the pair actually spent most of their time butting their beautiful heads over song lyrics. As surprised as we were to learn that either one of them actually writes their own lyrics in the first place, we were just as unsurprised by Timberlake’s continuous failed attempts to prove how funny he can be without cue cards. Sounding both desperate for a laugh and downright mean for daring to put down the vocally challenged but still iconic Madonna, we think the trouser snake should give up his comedy routine schtick for good.

If you are anything like us, your brain is total mush by 4pm on Friday. Fortunately, Defamer has the perfect solution to get you shipshape by bar time. That's right, wrap both of your hands around this week's Dirt Sandwich and take a giant, yummy bite. Our fearless and peerless videographer Molly McAleer has packed this week's installment chock fulla tasty morsels that are guaranteed to make your mindgrapes dance. You want examples? How about Entertainment Tonight's tantalizing tease of John Mayer being held at gunpoint? Or Tori Spelling's curious confession to Extra that she's aiming to play a "sexy MILF" in the new 90210? If neither of those made your brain start secreting heavy doses of serotonin, we're pretty sure Sarah Jessica Parker's Frankenstein hands oughta do the trick. Enjoy the weekend, kids!

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

Looks like it’s time to reopen the case of Suri Cruise and the Toxic Scientology Bottles. After seeing this photo of Katie Holmes and her tiny dancer, we couldn’t help but notice the presence of an actual sippy cup. Why is this news so glorious? You see, most babies tend to go from nipple to bottle to sippy cup to the wine glass you’re currently holding. But Hubbard's Parenting Book tells Scientology moms like Holmes to rot their kids' teeth with honey instead, a method Holmes had been following obediently. But before we could celebrate Suri's freedom and Katie's long-awaited rebellion against Overlord Tom and his disco-dancing minions, Cruise suddenly descended on their escape attempt clutching an asbestos-stuffed rabbit that made Suri cry. The dramatic series of events, in pictures, after the jump.

Pity the poor, misunderstood archaeologist, chained to painstaking years of research and field work only to live in the cultural shadow of the globetrotting, Nazi-battling adventurer Indiana Jones. Not ones to miss an opportunity, though, the leaders of the Archaeological Institute of America have dovetailed with the forthcoming release of Indiana Jones 4 to welcome franchise star Harrison Ford as a trustee. "The group promotes archaeological excavation, research, education and preservation worldwide," notes an AP dispatch. "AIA President Brian Rose says Ford's Indiana Jones character has played a major part in stimulating interest in archaeological exploration."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

In today's very special installment of Defamer Casting, our talent search reaches new pinnacles of class and cinema culture as hyper-reclusive legend Terrence Malick hits Craigslist to give away a role in his latest film, The Tree of Life. The only catch: You'll need to be a giant. "[Malick] is looking for a very tall man with tough look for shoot early June," writes casting director Vicky Boone. "Ideal look: 6'8" or taller; strong, built physique; wrestler, boxer, basketball player; strong facial features." It also couldn't hurt to live in or near Houston, where Malick is currently shooting (Yao Ming's head shot is en route as we speak). In any case, as per the custom established in Malick's previous two films The Thin Red Line and The New World, expect 95% of your performance to land on the cutting-room floor. Even Adrien Brody and Christian Bale had to pay their dues. Good luck! [Craigslist]

· "George Clooney to 'Stare at Goats.'" You know what, George? That sounds like a terrific idea. [Variety]
· William Morris has spearheaded a $100 million fund to produce features, which they know they should spend wisely on a number of sensible, moderately budgeted indies—but which they'll totally blow on one blockbuster stinker about the Alien Space Rabbit Olympics! [Variety]
· Well, that's the end of upfronts—a spectacular week of press releases, little get togethers at studio offices, and at least one Fox fondue party that the boys from Procter & Gamble are still buzzing about! Now it's time for the networks to wave goodbye to all that East Coast glamour, roll up their sleeves, and deliver on all the delicious promises they've made! [Variety]

We thought we knew just how low The Hills' reigning king and queen of mean Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag would go just to garner the slightest bit of attention from the press. Given their history of stunt proposals, staged “paparazzi” shoots, and plastic surgery adventures, the evil duo has proven their weight in gold-digging PR wizardry. But their latest alleged stunt planned for the “reality show”’s upcoming season is creepy enough to inspire the next Law & Order: SVU plotline: "Rumor has it that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have decided to fake a pregnancy for the 4th season." Sadder still? It sounds like they’ve convinced MTV producers — and the wardrobe department — to play along with the lie as old as time...

Pictured, Nikki Cox — actress and wife of CBS sitcom star Jay Mohr — who rose to prominence starring on such shows as Unhappily Ever After and NBC's Las Vegas, and is currently set to face off for some heated competition against Lisa Rinna, Priscilla Presley, and the rest of the cast of ABC's Lancing with the Stars.

Really, we're able to enjoy nearly everything happening at this year's Cannes Film Festival without even leaving our offices: There's the eerie, 24/7 surveillance available from IFC. There are Hollywood Elsewhere's billboard glimpses of gay Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor and Jesus Christ straddling a US fighter jet. There's Andrew O'Hehir tempting us at Salon with his A Christmas Tale rave (headlined "Grief, cancer, Nietzsche and Santa") and Anne Thompson spilling the beans on James Toback's "juicy" documentary about Mike Tyson.

Thanks this week go to American Express, AT&T, Chili’s, Dotspotter, Honda Fit, Jet Blue, MGM Grand Foxwoods, Oxygen Network, Tribeca Film Festival, Unscrew America and Uwishunu. If you would like to join this esteemed group of Defamer advertisers, all of the requisite information can be found here.