One day last August, the Human Rights Campaign sent a young gay bisexual lobbyist, Mike Imabottom, to talk to his gay Congressman, Jared Polis (D-CO). Their conversation went something like this, Mary.

Well shiver me timbers! After a month and a half of people squealing in rage, sadness, and delight, of Simon being a jerk and Randy hooting and braying and Kara saying nonsense nothings, we are done with Idol auditions.

You know the story: boy meets girl, girl loves boy, boy gets another boy, girl finds out and throws all of boy's possessions to the curb. Also introducing a boob-loving singer and a gay rapper. Time to meet cute!

James Cameron is using reverse psychology on the Oscars. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are still movie-making buddies. Christoph Waltz has a new, Nazi role. George Lucas gets a redo. Today's Trade Roundup is a veritable double-McTwist-1260 of entertainment news.

You know what's so nice about American Idol? It really respects our time. As a thank you to its loyal viewers, the show has gotten so efficient! Like, last night's broadcast was two hours, and we learned seven whole things.

Alec Baldwin is hot right now. He is an outspoken Hollywood liberal beloved by the media and cultural elite. But in his private life, he's a bit of an asshole. What are we going to do about Alec?

We know many celebs have secrets hidden under their proper exteriors, but who knew they'd be so frilly! This New York actress is only hiding a diva's temperament. Maybe her and the actor should switch.

As this crazypot show winds down, we are getting some semblance of answers. (We know who the Smoke Monster is!) But we're also getting a few (OK, many) new questions. Like, who was that kid that scared Devil Locke so?

Al Pacino steps into Robert De Niro's Italian leather shoes. Amanda Bynes' sex comedy. Judd Apatow forsakes the bromance for Kristen Wiig. Erector Sets' movie adaptation is not a soft-core porn. The Trade Roundup just ate an entire frittata.

Lost is full of many mysteries, all perplexing paradoxes and symbolism. At last here is a video that boils the show down to its bare essence. This, dear uninitiated Lost-phobes, is what you've been missing all these years.

If no one's badgered you into reading Roger Ebert's interview in Esquire, let us be the first: It's really quite good. It's not easy reading about the film critic's struggle with thyroid cancer or his jaw surgery. But it's worthwhile.

We were so excited by the new Glee promo that's going to be on Entertainment Tonight! We love this show so, so much that we don't want it to ever get bad. Don't worry, Glee, we're here to help!

Child, I don't even know what to tell you about last night's episode of the wig-wonkiest show on television. Things happened! Things didn't happen. A big girl did splits and a Raven turned into a chicken.

We were too busy dreaming about Bode Miller's backside to bother watching Kell on Earth last night. Thankfully fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was working there this fall during the filming. We have a feeling she has some stories to share.

She used to rail against it, but now she's had a nip and tuck of her own. This singer doesn't have anything of his own, including any money, and another singer doesn't want to marry her own fiance. Scandals abound!

Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro are teaming up with Lars von Trier to "reboot" Taxi Driver. In 3D! (Your totally credible source for this information: "Copenhagen film magazine Ekko.")

The oldest living newsperson who is not on 60 Minutes, announced today that the upcoming annual Oscar Special—her 30th—will also be her last. Thanks for finally giving someone else a chance to do something on TV, Babs.

Last week we posted a casting notice for a real-life Will & Grace reality show, even though we didn't think that any gay readers or their straight-girl besties would actually want to be on such a program. We were wrong.

As the fourth season becomes more overstuffed than a Martha Stewart Thanksgiving turkey, I'm starting to wonder just where all this operatic muck is going to take us.

Love truly conquers all, especially when that love takes the form of a cynically made American rip-off of a far-superior British movie and it stars horrible people like the fellow in this picture. That kind of love is unbeatable.