Realizing posting foul-mouthed, fowl-pooped rants against his neighbor mightn't have been the gentlemanly thing to do (particularly considering construction of the Kutcher/Moore Cougar Den took a solid decade to complete), Kelso has tweeted an apologia.

Until now, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's adventures in Twitterland have been innocuous enough escapades, Ash offering up humorous, 140-character-or-less movie quotes, his clueless cougress responding with amusing concern. All that is over.

In between fielding calls from the CIA and praising "Love and Light," internet-savvy whippersnapper Ashton Kutcher procured an "assistant" (virtual?) to introduce wife Demi Moore to Twitter. Moore's already getting snarky.

• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson got into yet another public spat while heading home to LA after spending New Year's in Miami. Lindsay eventually got so upset a flight attendant suggested LiLo disembark. [TMZ]
• George Soros reportedly spent New Year's partying with "two young brunettes" on Paul Allen's yacht, Octopus, off St. Barts. Now at least we know where son Alex gets it from. [P6]
• Queen Latifah was robbed of $10,000 worth of jewelry while on vacation in Trinidad and Tobago over Christmas. [Us]
• Kathy Griffin made a dick joke during CNN's live NYE broadcast with Anderson Cooper. The video is here, in case you care. [NYP]

♦ Christian Siriano plans to make it work with Payless: The Project Runway winner is teaming up with the company on a line of footwear and handbags that will launch next fall. [NYP]
♦ Today was Cyber Monday, the day when online retailers kick off the holiday season with super-steep discounts. It didn't turn out to be a great day for Bloomingdale's and J. Crew: both watched their websites crash this morning. [Crain's, USA Today]
♦ In case you forgot to issue your congratulations, Anna Wintour headed off to Buckingham Palace last week to pick up whatever is it you are given when you're named an Officer of the Order of the British Empire. [Vogue UK]

♦ Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky are getting married tonight. Mark Consuelos, the husband of Kelly Ripa, is presiding over the ceremony. So if you have no plans and you'd like to see this bizarre menagerie of people for yourself, please show up at Le Cirque on East 58th Street. [P6]
♦ Despite rumors, Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she has no plans to leave the View for Fox News. [E!, People]
♦ Madonna and Alex Rodriguez may have had dinner together, although both of their reps deny it. [P6]
♦ Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse are working together on a new song. Hopefully it'll turn out better than their last attempt at a collaboration, which "ended in tears." [Mirror]

Are there millions of people out there who actually happen to be fans of Ashton Kutcher and/or Demi Moore? Apparently! At least that would explain why Barack Obama's latest campaign video features the duo with a cardboard cutout of the candidate. The queasy footage after the jump.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Famed offspring Rumer Willis was spotted in ultra luxurious Bev Hills over the weekend sporting new crimson colored locks. When asked why she made the decision to embrace her inner big red, Willis explained it was for a string of upcoming Halloween parties. Wilis said, “This season, I’m going to go as two different people —Joan from Mad Men and Pam from The Office— and I didn’t want to wear a wig. So, I just dyed my hair and now I’ll alternate between the outfits from party to party.” Willis felt that she would go with the Pam costume when attending spooky shindigs associated with her family and the more vivacious Joan Holloway costume at other events. Willis added, “I assume that if I was dressed like Joan at my dad’s party, a lot of his friends would hit on me and I’m not sure if I’m fully comfortable with that just yet.” Also before jetting away, Willis practiced her Facebook & MySpace profile photo in the rearview mirror. [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

♦ Britney Spears' former boyfriend, paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, says he has a sex video featuring him and Britney which he's willing to part with for the right price. And you thought you were done buying sex tapes after the Verne Troyer masterpiece this summer. [NYDN, E!]
♦ Heath Ledger's life insurance company is calling his death "suspicious" and says it won't pay out his $10 mil. policy until it interviews everyone involved, including Mary-Kate Olsen. [NYP]
♦ Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just had twins. But it's Tuesday, which means they're already thinking of adopting another kid. [Daily Mail]
♦ DJ AM and Travis Barker are both out of the hospital. [NYDN, People, P6]
♦ Janet Jackson checked into the hospital in Canada yesterday. [People]

• So now Demi Moore is dating Michael Phelps? After all of Ashton's hard work making "Punk'd" she just trades him in for a younger model? [P6]

The new Ashton Kutcher-produced game show Opportunity Knocks is designed to quiz family members on just how much they know about each other, rewarding kin who can accurately answer the question, "How many vodka gimlets did Grandma down before NCIS came on tonight?" Kutcher's own family is a notoriously blended one, as his wife is Hollywood cougar queen Demi Moore, whose marriage with Bruce Willis bequeathed to Kutcher three daughters: Rumer, Scout, and...uh, the other one. In fact, it's that last, elusive Willis daughter who got Kutcher into trouble with the New York Times when he was quizzed about how well he knew his own family:

Cougarfornication. Well, this should go well: "David Duchovny, Demi Moore and Amber Heard will form the perfect family in 'The Joneses,' a social commentary with comedic elements." We'd suggest Ashton Kutcher will be a permanent presence on the set, but let's face it—Demi's too old for Duchovny. Which leaves Maxim Hot 100 #21 Heard most at risk. Also a possibility: Kutcher himself. He'd be the alcoholic's equivalent of chugging mouthwash—not ideal, but scratches the itch when there's no real hooch available. [THR]

Just how isolated are tech pundits like Robert Scoble from the real world? In a telling moment at a "VIP" party for TechCrunch50, Michael Arrington's startup conference taking place this week in San Francisco, an attendee tried to explain Scoble's notoriety to fading film star Demi Moore. Moore was on hand to promote her hubby Ashton Kutcher's new Web show Blah Girls. The actress, like most of America, had never heard of the ruddy, flaxen-haired Fast Company videoblogger. More surprising was Scoble's confession that he hadn't recognized Moore, either. Which makes me think of a new motto for the 250, Valleywag's term for the Valley's self-appointed, self-obsessed inside crowd: "You don't know us, and we don't know you." (Photos by AP/Evan Agostini and Shannon Clark)

Undaunted by the poor reception accorded Hamlet 2, Hollywood is pressing on with two even more unlikely sequels: one likely to provoke an excited "Oh my gahhh!" the other, simply an "Oh my." We'll start with the latter: strange as it may seem, Variety reports that Todd Solondz is moving ahead with an "untitled part-sequel, part-companion piece" to his incredibly unsettling 1998 comedy Happiness. If the idea of a Happiness 2 makes you feel just this far from being completely hysterical 24 hours a day, why not meet its unlikely cast of Pee-Wee Herman, Demi Moore, and Emma Thompson! No, this is not a delayed April Fool's Joke, and there is thus far no word on who will be masturbating on, near, or about whom, but the project will begin shooting this October in San Juan, Puerto Rico (naturally). More wholesome sequel news, after the jump:As excitedly noted by PopWrap, the seminal dance troupe sleeper Center Stage is also getting a sequel, Center Stage: Turn It Up. No Paul Reubens or Demi Moore here, but there are two casting notices that should make many a former teen girl's heart jete: Peter Gallagher is returning as company director Jonathan, and OMG OMG OMG Ethan Stiefel is returning as the positively dreamy Cooper Nielsen OMG. The sequel is set to premiere on Oxygen before making its debut on DVD; no word yet on whether network buddies Tori & Dean will cameo.

As if second-generation Hollywood underdog Rumer Willis doesn't have enough to contend with living in the long shadows of her dazzlingly successful biological parents and a stepfather three years her junior, there's also those little life-obstacles thrown at her that could have just as easily been avoided. To wit: her name, one of the earliest and most egregious examples of the eccentric-celebrity-baby-naming trend that gripped the industry in the '90s and has yet to show any signs of letting up. We point as evidence towards such recent additions to the Weird Celebrity Baby-Name Registry as Sunday Kidman-Urban, Honor Alba-Warren, Birdie Phillipps (daughter of Freaks and Geeks star Busy), and the unabashedly onomatopoeic Phlbbbbbbfffft Simpson, the not-yet-born offspring of mother Ashlee. From Page Six:

With our daily "MGM Tower Under Attack" report in the books, "retard" outrage in the streets and everything thankfully quiet on our Billy Bob Thornton Co-Star CurseWatch, the only real news we have left to pass along today actually speaks for itself: "The Best Breast List: wowOwow’s Peek Down Dazzling 40+ Décolletage." Indeed, the saucy ladies of the women's Web site wowOwow — including Liz Smith, Whoopi Goldberg, and Lily Tomlin among others — gathered their 10 favorite middle-age busts in no particular order for discussion, observation and, if you dare, debate. We don't exactly know the criteria (bikini-rocking couldn't have hurt Helen Mirren), but see if you can lift and separate them in an excerpt after the jump.

There's probably been a time or two when you've been tempted to check out a restaurant or bar simply because some celebrity supposedly "owns" it. Maybe I'll see Justin Timberlake devouring a plate of ribs at Southern Hospitality! Or I'll spot Robert De Niro slurping on some pasta at Ago! Restaurateurs know this, too, of course, which is why they're all so eager to attach a celebrity name—any one will do!—to their ill-conceived bistro, brasserie, speakeasy, lounge, or barbecue shack. We don't want to be the ones to crush your dreams and tell you that there's no chance you'll see these famous faces at these venues. Just in case you're the more optimistic type—or just curious who has a stake in what—we happily introduce the Cityfile celebrity-owned restaurant/bar map!

Madonna's publicist isn't talking about what her clients like the Material Girl and Cher are doing to their faces ("I have never represented anyone who has spoken to me about plastic surgery. Nor have I asked them. I don’t want to know!"), but that doesn't mean the doctors, the "dermatologists" and other illustrious characters in the pageant of A-list cosmetic surgery aren't offering up a ghastly state of the union regarding their trade in this week's New York Magazine. Which naturally includes Madonna, the issue's cover girl and unauthorized representative of the New New Face — as opposed to the "Old" New Faces belonging to the mishandled likes of Melanie Griffith and Meg Ryan. What's the difference? It's a little complicated, but let's start with "volumizing" — the part where you jam your own fat into your face:

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

The latest celebrity said to be jumping on the nudie pregnant pictures bandwagon is Nicole Kidman, who was seen yesterday attending a "top secret" modeling session for a potential cover shoot with Frenchy photographer extraordinaire Patrick Demarchelier. While he's no Annie Leibovitz, and it's unknown which magazine this shoot was for, Demarchelier is a monthly contributor for Allure, Vogue, and Demi Moore's old knocked-up-while-nude stomping grounds, Vanity Fair. So whether or not Nicole is looking to appear on an upcoming cover of VF as Demi's successor is still unknown, but we took a look back at some classic big-bellied celebrity appearances in the past to see some glossy examples of what Kidman will be competing with in the Nude And Pregnant Hall of Fame: