Protestors briefly made a Ted Cruz rally interesting Monday when they staged a mock exorcism, a disturbance Cruz blamed on Bernie Sanders (?).

The Advanced Training Institute—the fundamentalist, sex-offender-led cult subscribed to by the Duggars—has a lot of questionable practices. But in addition to cancer-causing semen and horrible fashion advice, ATI has one extra-absurd bit of wisdom it would like to impart on your children: Your Cabbage Patch doll is filled with Satan’s demons.

Ariana Grande, the diminutive pop star plagued by demons, recently opened up about leaving the Catholic Church for Kabbalah. "When my brother [Frankie J. Grande] was told that God didn't love him I was like, 'OK, that's not cool,'" she told the Sunday Telegraph. Frankie is an openly gay ex-Big Brother contestant.

Minister, Christian broadcaster, and person who is still alive Pat Robertson is an expert on the methods by which demons possess humans: Specifically, horror movies and (maybe) porn.

A police captain in Gary, Indiana, says he believes a family's claims of supernatural terror in a rental house they've since fled. Levitating children, swarms of flies in wintertime, mysterious footprints, invisible friends, another child "walking backward up a wall in the presence of a family case manager and hospital nurse"—this movie-ready tale even features screaming Catholic priests performing exorcisms.

Bouncy-haired singer Ariana Grande—whom you may know from her hit single "The Way," or because the teens in your life are always sending Keeks about her to Facerange on their Blueberries®—seems like her life would be all catchy hooks, and bubblegum sunsets, and buying a new pair of earrings that you love. And it probably is! But, as she recently told Complex magazine, it's also full of demons from hell who constantly terrorize her and wreak havoc on her vulnerable psyche.

And you thought bringing home some bed bugs or a coat that smells like R. Kelly's sheets was your biggest thrift store concern. Turns out there are bigger demons at play, and those demons could be attaching themselves to your new garments—this confirmed by TV personality and minister Pat Robertson. He responded to this viewer's question:

Which of the Jolie-Pitt kids do you think will be the first to crack and write a book about growing up as one of the world's most glamorous itinerants? That's a rhetorical question. It's Pax.

This gay demon exorcism is nowhere nearly as exciting or hilarious as this one, but the interview that follows with the ex-gay exorcist, Prophet Tejanni Campbell, and Bishop Ernest Johnson is riveting, particularly for the following two exchanges:

On one hand, getting the "filthy, stinking sex demon" out looks a lot like getting the penis in, at least facially. Not so convincing. On the other hand, Rev. Bob Larson was wise to keep the crucifix far away from potentially masturbating hands and genitals. You know how gays are.

A Florida literacy specialist was arrested for child abuse Tuesday after expanding her repertoire to include hands-on demonology instruction.

Lest there be any doubt that the Drudge Report is the Perez Hilton of politics: Today's top story is a two-week-old "demon photo" of Hillary Clinton. The Drudge Report is actually a liberal parody of the conservative blogosphere, right?

So. This is the trailer for a "documentary" called Demons for Hillary. If this trailer is any indication, the film presents a series of man-on-the-street interviews with people who are scared of Hillary Clinton interspersed with pixelated hard-core pornography, including a delightful set piece in which little people in dime-store devil costumes take advantage of nubile young women. Which is why Hillary is not fit to be President. You can download the whole film right now for ten bucks! Could someone else do this and report back to us? We are too scared to. The film came with a baffling press release. "AVAILABILITY: Filmmaker Todd Fligner is available 24/7 -Los Angeles, Ca, nationwide by arrangement and via telephone. Great last minute interview." We're sure! Full press release after the jump. It involves the phrase "threesome tirades."

Denise Richards fling-survivor and two-time rehab graduate Richie Sambora experienced one of those nasty wake-up calls last night, stopped by Laguna cops shortly before 11:00 PM after swerving in a Black Hummer. "He failed numerous field sobriety tests and was detained for DUI. At the station Sambora opted to take a blood test rather than blow into a breathalyzer. Laguna Beach PD Sgt. Jason Kravetz [says], 'At this point there's no indication of drugs.'" Funny—we don't remember asking about drugs. We leave you now to spend some quiet time with Sambora's bemulleted mugshot, looking deep into those bloodshot eyes as you sing out to no one in particular, "Sometimes you tell the day/By the bottle that you drink/And times when you're all alone all you do is think."

Because we once swore on a stack of six-month-old glossies in the lobby of a shady direct-to-video production company in Simi Valley to exhaustively chronicle every celebrity detox attempt that crossed our desks—with no celebrity too paunchy, sunburned, or sloppy-seconded to escape our scrutiny—we pass along news of the latest in what will surely go down as a bounty year for rehabs: