Are you now or have you ever been a smoker of the dreaded “tobacky?” Perhaps you gave up the habit long ago, for your health? No matter—you are doomed.

A study finds that people who have “recurrent bouts of extreme, impulsive anger” are more than twice as likely to carry a parasite that is transmitted through the feces of infected cats. Eating cat butt make you mad.

Did you get cancer recently? You did? Uh... sorry. I'm very sorry. I thought you were going to say "no." Jesus. Uh... take heart in your many fellow Americans who have not gotten cancer recently—thanks to science, etc!

If you get Ebola, it turns out that the single best thing you can do is to drink a gallon of water a day. "I want sports personalities to be talking about it," says a doctor in Sierra Leone. "I want everybody to be talking about it." Spread the word!

So far, because there are only three of them, it's easy to feel reassured that those potentially and actually infected with Ebola in New York are in safe quarantine. Bellevue insists it had a biohazard protocol all ready and waiting; there is nothing to worry about.

"How you can profit from Ebola." USA Today's Matt Krantz has the scoop:

Currently, Ebola.com is pretty barebones: an image of the virus, a few news articles, and links to buy relevant books on Amazon. If you think you can do something better with the site, it can be yours for just $150,000. But if birdflu.com better suits your fancy, you'll have to pay Jon Schultz a little more.

Danny Gold's Vice story about Ebola in Liberia is terrifying, and not just for the lack of protective gear in evidence.

The rare respiratory virus that has already sent hundreds of kids the the hospital has spread to New York, reports CNN. More that a dozen cases of Enterovirus D68 have been confirmed by the CDC.

In the space of a month, hundreds of children across America have been admitted to the hospital with breathing problems that the Centers for Disease control suspect to be Enterovirus D68, a rare virus that causes cold and asthma-like symptoms that can quickly turn severe. Children's Hospital Colorado in Denver has seen more than 900 children with respiratory problems between Aug. 8 and Sept. 4, ABC News reports—85 were admitted, some to intensive care.

The largest-ever outbreak of Ebola could eventually affect 20,000 people—seven times more than the current number of cases—before it runs its course, according to a new report from the World Health Organization. Months after the disease was first identified, reported cases are still sharply rising.

If you have a "young one" waddling around your home at the moment (because it is your child), I suggest you lift them off the ground with a mighty effort, shake them (as much as you're able), and scream, "There's a 40% chance you will have diabetes one day!" (until your muscles give out).

Over the last several months, the deadliest-ever outbreak of the Ebola virus has torn through West Africa, claiming hundreds of lives and leaving hundreds more infected. If you're just catching up with the news, here's some of what we know about the disease, its spread, and how it might be stopped.

A man near Denver has contracted "the rarest and most fatal form of plague." Oh, brother!

The Center for Disease Control is closing its anthrax and flu labs after two accidents that could have exposed employees and the public to disease. "Shipments of all infectious agents" are going to be halted, too. The screw-ups, one of which was just reported today, weren't minor.

Liberia's top governmental medical officer is pleading with the country's pastors to stop keeping people infected with ebola in churches. Many there believe they "can be healed through prayer."

Hot Pockets, a brand of garbage available in your grocer's freezer until this week's recall, apparently has many fans who share their love for the diseased-meat snacks on Twitter. But how many of these pre-recall Hot Pockets tweets ended in death?

In 2012, there were an estimated 14 million new cases of cancer worldwide. Man, that's nothing.

It would be alarmist of us to predict that you, the randomly selected Gawker reader, will suffer from dementia in the future. Let's just say... the chances of it are getting better.

Just in time for the holiday charity season, the charity analysis group GiveWell has announced what it says are the three best charities in the world for helping the world's most poverty-stricken people.