Your Labor Day picture was jobless and gloomy. Now here's some news that is frightening and doomy: A tick-borne parasite that causes a potentially deadly infection is hiding in America's blood supply. No FDA-approved diagnostic test can detect its presence. Should we panic?

If you've eaten at the Olive Garden in Fayetteville, North Carolina, you probably have hepatitis, that's just science. After an employee tested positive for Hepatitis A, hundreds of panicked former customers descended upon the local healthcare clinic for vaccination.

Fish lead! Sperm coats! Bald hair! Tall cancer! Dissolving tobacco! Tortoise leg! Calorie counts! Lung damage! And the fatalistic approach to our own mortality! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your heath—soberly!

Neptune day! Lyme disease! Solar dearth! Towel robots! Leg transplants! Runaway elephants! Owl vision! Ocean heat! And the utter failure of the US space program continues! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—extra-terrifically!

Here's some bad news for the summer: From the CDC's latest Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, which by name alone sounds absolutely horrifying, we learn that a new strain of the clap is resistant to cephalosporins — the antibiotics commonly used in treatment.

This is just what the world needs now: A deadly, never before seen "mutant" strain of E. coli. That's exactly what the World Health Organization says is responsible for killing 17 people in Germany this week. Of the 1,500 people who are sick with the strain being attributed to cucumbers, 470 "have developed a rare kidney failure complication." A WHO food expert, Hilde Kruse, told MSNBC that this new strain shows "various characteristics that make it more virulent and toxin-producing" than regular old deadly E. coli. Oh, boy.

Fish labeling! Dog drinking! Disease eradicating! Anorexia theorizing! Contaminated fishing! Radiation sexing! Distant-object spotting! Caffeine surviving! And whatever new thing they say about heart disease today! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—indiscriminately!

Are you a leper? It may be because of the nine-banded armadillo, and not because you are a sinful blasphemer, as previously believed: Based on new evidence, scientists think that the armadillo carries and can spread leprosy to human populations. DNA tests have matched the leprosy strains of some U.S. patients with those of armadillos—among the only animals that carry the bacteria—and though the majority of cases in the U.S. are contracted in countries with higher instances of the disease, these tests indicate that some American patients contracted leprosy through armadillo exposure. Now: It's unlikely the diseases is transmitted through armadillo-human sex—though it's gross your mind went there immediately—as leprosy isn't sexually transmitted between humans, but Dr. Warwick Britton of the University of Sydney in Australia says that he "would not cuddle armadillos," which strikes us as both an admirable personal confession on the part of Dr. Britton, as well as advice we should all consider following. [AP]

The Food and Drug Administration has issued a caveat today, reminding consumers that any hand sanitizer or antiseptic product claiming to be effective against antibiotic-resistant infection is telling you a Bald. Faced. Lie.

Remember a couple of months ago when an outbreak of Legionnaire's disease (Legionellosis) sickened over a hundred guests at the Playboy Mansion? L.A. County public health officials have traced the sometimes deadly disease to a "whirlpool spa," according to The Los Angeles Times. Makes sense, because Legionnaire's is "transmitted from contaminated aerosols generated in hot tubs if the disinfection and maintenance program is not done rigorously." Gross.

Boner pills! Cellphone cancer! Hospital infections! Leukemia drugs! Stillborn babies! Diet memory! Bipolar celebrities! Stank medications! And sexxxy news from 'neath the robes of Catholic womendom! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—against god's wishes!

Health officials in Los Angeles were curious why "hundreds" of people got sick after a fundraising party at the Playboy Mansion last month. It turns out the Playboy Mansion is full of Legionnaire's disease! Which can lead to fatal respiratory failure, septic shock, and acute liver failure. Thought it's not likely!

Ladies, ladies: we have your health report card, and it's not good. According to this, you've been getting drunker, fatter, and sluttier. It's like every woman in America is a freshman in college again. What's your excuse?

Haitian Health Ministry officials today said that 917 people have died in the last three weeks from cholera, which is festering in the relief camps set up after the January earthquake. 14,600 people have been hospitalized for cholera symptoms.

A horde of genetically-modified mutant mosquitoes has been unleashed on the Cayman Islands to kill other mosquitoes that carry potentially deadly dengue fever. The millions of sterilized male mosquitos will mate with wild females, but produce no offspring.

A new study shows that two-thirds of restaurant workers go to work when sick, meaning customers are exposed to disgusting working class germs. The outrage! It's almost as if restaurant workers don't get paid if they don't go to work.

President Obama spoke at a rally at Bowie State University in Maryland today. Two dozen people "started fainting and became dizzy," and two were taken to hospitals. Ergo, Barack Obama is a Muslim. Err...a socialist. Err... just plain sickening. [Pic]

A recent "observational study" found that 85 percent of adults washed their hands after doing their business. Not too bad! But not as good as the 96 percent of adults who told phone interviewers that they "always" wash their hands.

The deadly Mexican Pig Influenza Pandemic— remember that?—yes, that. Well, it's over. FYI. It's "run its course," according to the World Health Organization. Did you survive? Cool. Ditto. I think we called this one accurately way back when. [LAT]

Monster making! Russian warming! Frog mountains! Bat extinction! Multiple sclerosis! Hurricane season! Quantum entanglement! Pet meds! And Polish geologists! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch your science—while screwing in a light bulb, all alone!