If you're like me, you may have just *assumed* that if a chemical is being manufactured in large quantities and placed in your breakfast cereal, there would be *some* evidence that it will not kill you. Not true at all!

Swingers have higher rates of sexually transmitted infection than prostitutes by almost two-to-one, according to a new study conducted in Dutch clinics. Scientists say older swingers are particularly gross. Uh, vulnerable. Particularly vulnerable. [Reuters]

If a breakthrough that cures 100 per cent of the vicious virus in monkeys can be applied to humans, movies like Outbreak and Virus will become no more than historical whimsy. And they'll have to make movies about athlete's foot.

E. coli-infested food! Metal-infested drugs! Fancy-infected doctors! Whooping-infested coughs! Harlem-infested hospitals! And liver-infested poop! It's your lifesaving Health Watch, where we watch your health—while infested with wisdom!

Dengue Fever — the Outbreak-esque disease that can liquefy organs — has been diagnosed in dozens of people in Florida. "Infectious disease experts say it could spread to other parts of the US." [Crain's]

A new study from the Harvard School of Public Health claims that eating processed meats can increase the risk of heart disease by 42%, and type 2 diabetes by 19%. The main culprit here? Salt. Bloomberg was right! [Harvard, pic]

It would be nice to know your chances of getting cancer, diabetes, or heart disease later in life, right? Soon, for around $1,000, you can, with your very own genome test. Sounds like fun!

Alcoholics! Sexy sexing! Cancer rodents! Cancer guidos! And fat people who can't remember your name! It's health watch, where we watch your health—with a poor bedside manner!

Scientists are bashing minty tobacco-filled "Camel Orbs" candies, because they might get kids addicted to nicotine. "Nuh uh" a big tobacco spokesman retorts. When will scientists hop off the bitchy teen hater train, and onto the nicotine flavor train? [NYT]

Oh shoot, unexpected setback: Steroids may not be 100% good, for your body. The outside of your body, yes, totally ripped bro. But inside, ripped in the bad sense, like "your kidney has a rip in it, bro, ugly."

Scientists have now produced overwhelming evidence that bans on smoking lead to a healthier, less dead population. What does this mean for you and your typically unhealthy creative underclass lifestyle? It means it's time to pay for your sins.

The deadly Mexican Pig Flu's dirtiest deed yet: Coming between you and the literal body and blood of Christ. You will pay dearly for this, heathen microbe.

Nice work, Joel Stein. You really threw the missus under the bus this time, as you explain the trend of new-age-y anti-vaccination parents hitting home.

The good news: one shot of tasty swine flu vaccine is all it will take to save you from the dreaded pig virus this year! The bad news: All the medicine is going to special interests.

Right this very minute, trillions of deadly Mexican Pig Flu microbes are just cold chillin' in nooks and crannies somewhere, waiting for the fall flu season, when they will emerge and strike nearly 100,000 Americans dead. Say scientists!

In a clear act of porcine aggression against our nation's geographers, the dreaded Mexican Pig Flu has struck the National Geographic Society. We have the memo.

The dreaded Mexican Pig Flu will be back. Oh yes. Of that, there is no question. A few months from now, you will wake up to hear daily Swine Flu Reports sandwiched between weather and traffic. Not a joke!

Look at this nasty ad for shingles medication. It is featured prominently on the New York Times home page today. Is there no gross ad the Hobo NYT will not display, in exchange for precious money? (Click for full grossness!)

The New York Post reports: 500,000 New Yorkers might have Swine Flu, and not even know it. Is this flavored with any kind of fact whatsoever, or is the Post just really bored with Michael Jackson stories?

Since we're in the midst of a vague, threatening porn industry HIV scare, some things are changing. Like talent-producer relations. Do you trust your porn stars? Don't! [UPDATED]: