Stop laughing at swine flu right this instant: the World Health Organization has just declared the first global flu pandemic in 41 years, meaning we're all just one mutation away from devastation:

Are you a resident of New York City? If you answered 'yes,' have you passed away in the last two months? Surely you have. Look to your left. Look to your right. Both of those people have swine flu!

It's spreading. Earlier this month, Vogue was infected with the deadly Mexican Pig Flu. Did you imagine that they could contain it? They could not.

Conde Nast's fanciest magazine is infected with the dreaded Mexican Pig Influenza! Right where Anna Wintour works! Remain calm.

Two more New Yorkers with swine flu have died. Why isn't there a fresh round of PANIC? Because it looks like the worst is over. And we're not all dead!

United Flight 903 tragically had to land in Boston instead of DC because a passenger had the fucking sniffles. How will our coloring book authors cover this disaster? Do you remember where you were? [AP]

Remember how after 9/11, every backwater public library in Iowa and auditorium in Missouri spent millions terrorist-proofing themselves, JUST TO BE READY? Swine flu panic is the new that.

Swine flu has claimed its first life in America, a young child. Mexico has identified the first infected person there, a young child. For the billion healthy kids in the Western hemisphere: you're grounded.

Citizens: do not be alarmed that hundreds of your children are now being mangled by Killer Swine Flu Virus. The government will not stop until it has wasted billions on fighting this mild illness!

Here we are two days into the Swine Flu Panic of '09, and dead bodies have yet to be stacked up like cordwood on the streets of American cities. Face it: this story is dumb.

Washing your hands hundreds of time: will it save you? From swine flu, maybe. But not from the pig disease death meme that has claimed the minds of many of our nation's television news stars!

Dinosaurs: "They would still be here if they hadn't caught a cold," says this ad for aspirin-plus-vitamin-C. Product slogan: "So you don't catch a cold." Can you spot the two flaws in this campaign?

Jade Goody, a 27-year-old British woman suffering from cervical cancer, had her diagnosis broadcast on national television. And now that her illness has been deemed terminal, she'll film her last moments alive.

Josh Ozersky, the meat-crazed Restaurants Editor for Citysearch and the proprietor of food blog The Feedbag, has contracted the "disease of kings." He's well aware that he brought this on himself and is unrepentant:

Jeremy Piven was looking well at the Golden Globe awards last night. Seemingly recovered from his recent suspicious mercury poisoning, he told an interviewer that the illness just left him like really wiped-out, man.

Beer Pong—the game of choice for Gawker Media ad sales staffers, Manhattan politicos, and Rex Sorgatz—may give you herpes, gonorrhea, mono, and Hepatitis. [CollegeOTR, Previously]

Ken Layne over at Wonkette has done some heroic digging into Plum Island, the Department of Homeland Security-run animal horror lab suspiciously close not only to Montauk, where our friend Monty washed ashore, but to a long string of terrifying outbreaks and hybrid animal attacks. We knew from the start of the Montauk Monster mystery that Plum Island was at the center of various conspiracy theories, but when one looks at the entire awful history in one blog post, one must inevitably conclude that, despite its shifty and inconsistent denials, the federal government is assembling there a fearsome monster army that, if left unchecked, will someday slaughter us while we sleep.

Disappearing singer Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with emphysema, according to her father. "'The doctors have told her if she goes back to smoking drugs it won't just ruin her voice, it will kill her,' he was quoted as saying in the Sunday Mirror. 'The doctors have said that if she had continued the way she was going she could have ended up an invalid-she wouldn't have been able to breathe.' He added: 'She's got emphysema. It's in its early stages, but had it gone on for another month they painted a very vivid picture of her sitting there like an old person with a mask on her face struggling to breathe.'"

McDonald's has pulled all tomatoes out of its stores because of a DEADLY POISON salmonella scare! Winn-Dixie, Ralphs, Vons, and Albertsons supermarkets are pulling some tomatoes from their shelves! Taco Bell, Chipotle, and (a tipster says) Subway: pulling tomatoes! For your safety. Again: THE RAW RED TOMATOES IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR MAY HARBOR DEADLY MICROBES PREPARED TO ROT YOU FROM THE INSIDE. In a servicey attempt to keep all of you in good health, we are pasting this weekend's FDA warning after the jump:

Britney Spears, the living embodiment of Slimer from Ghostbusters, was very moved by last night's Idol Gives Back. She donated $25,000 to aid malaria relief in Africa: "She didn't know much about the disease, so she Googled it. She was horrified to realize kids were dying from mosquito bites. So she went online and donated after getting [her dad] Jamie's permission. She used her Amex." [Showbiz Spy]