[Well paid comedic figure Adam Sandler and his gay ole bulldog on the beach in Malibu. Pic via X17. Click to enlarge.]

[Celebtard Paris Hilton, in chihuahua shirt, strides past a naked dog in Bel Air. Click to enlarge the pic, via X17. New headline by commenter curlyqtips.]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Popular TV doc Katherine Heigl nearly passed out on the red carpet after catching a whiff of her beloved pooch’s breath. Heigl knew her dog’s breath was going to be rather intense, but she obviously underestimated the strength of it. Heigl said, “Looks like we’ll have to up Ronaldo’s brushings to five times a day like his mommy.” Heigl also mentioned she will most likely introduce an intensive program similar to the program she introduced to break rocker husband Joshua Kelley of his bad single-man habits. Heigl added, “It took two weeks, but he learned to love sitting down while going pee.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Click to viewBoomp3.com At the AFI Night At The Movies event held at the Arclight, beloved Hollywood icon Dustin Hoffman broke into a rather pitchy rendition of “Hound Dog” with Bullseye, the Target mascot. Hoffman and Bullseye fielded some requests from the crowd, but due to Bullseye’s limited vocal range, they were forced to perform “Hound Dog” one more time. After the encore, Hoffman hoped that Bullseye expand his song category in the future. Hoffman said, “I would love to do some old standards one night with old Bully. A night of Cole Porter? Bully is good, but he has a long ways to go." [Photo Credit: Getty Images] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Being a documented cruel animal hoarder, Paris Hilton understandably faces a lot of scrutiny over how she cares for her 17 or so dogs. So when X17 reported the celebrity heiress had left two of her (mostly small and helpless) dogs outside for a night to be devoured as a light snack by local coyotes, the story spread like crazy, including to the Daily News and this morning's Post. Now Hilton's reps are denying that any dogs died at all, saying they're all still enjoying the opulent splendor of their "doggie mansion." The only problem? Hilton is a proven liar, and this story has the ring of truth.

If you thought the fact that half of the banks in America going bust was bad news, you may want to take a seat for this next bit of disturbing info: Two of Paris Hilton's dogs were mauled to death in a vicious coyote attack in Hollywood and she's "been crying all day." And if that info actually cheered you up, well, you're welcome. [NYDN]

Here is one of the many charming emails your editors have received since we reposted some emails that were hacked and originally posted by Anonymous earlier today, and then called a phone number. Now the "bloggers post their hate mail so you can point and laugh" routine is dead tired, but this one invokes your day editor's mom! "You obviously are too immature to realize that this is a pregnant woman you are bothering. Ask your mom if she approves." We went to your day editor's mom for comment.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog: Hey Reese, do you know when Jake is getting back? Reese Witherspoon: Uh….What? J.G.D.: My dad, Jake. Do you know when he’s coming home? (Witherspoon removes one of her ear buds) R.W.: Sorry. I couldn’t hear you there. Listening to Bob Seger. (Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog nods his head.) J.G.D: Gotta love the Seger. I’m more of a Springstein fan. Anyways, I asked if you knew when my dad was getting back? I kind of miss him. A lot. R.W.: Well, mommy misses him too. J.G.D.: Wait…whoa..wait. You’re my mom? R.W.: Well, I’m working on it. I don’t want to jinx myself though. J.G.D.: So, no idea as to when he’s coming back home? Can he get e-mail out wherever he is. R.W: Oh yeah. We do that iChat thing with the cameras all the time. He looks great. Tan and all buff. You’d be impressed. J.G.D: So, you’ve been talking to my dad all this time? Not fair. Not fair at all. R.W.: I didn’t know you were so concerned. You’re just usually licking yourself or sleeping, so I wasn’t sure. I will let you talk to him the next time we talk, okay? Photo Credit: Flynet *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

This video basically sums up everything you missed in St. Paul this week. Liz Glover, DC-based videographer to the internet stars, sneaks into the CNN Grill while Sarah Palin's rant against community organizing distracts everyone. She tries to interview John Oliver but apparently he needs "approval" from "Comedy Central" or something. Then she meets a dog. The dog's name is "Sarah" and it is "panting" over all the "red meat" while literally attacking the media. McCain/Dog '08!!! [Wonkette]

Barack Obama promised his adorable daughters that he would get them a puppy if he won the presidency (they would surely mention this fact more often if they really wanted to win). The American Kennel Club had a poll to decide what sort of dog Obama should get. (Of course, Obama should rescue a dog from a shelter and not select an expensive purebred, but whatevs.) The winner? A poodle. A little fucking girly elitist poodle! Who's responsible for this? The fatcats at the AKC won't say!

As dog professions go, it's not quite sniffing out heroin or guiding the blind, but did you know that nowadays dogs can be runway models? At Saturday's New York Pet Fashion Show at the Metropolitan Pavilion in Chelsea, various breeds modeled sweaters and accessories, while their owners acted like horrible stage parents and pretended the poor little creatures enjoyed it. [NYDN]

Dov Charney, the self-stimulating CEO of American Apparel, is wondering if you've seen his dog HedKayce. The little guy went missing in the Echo Park neighborhood of Los Angeles for at least the second time since April, when he was feared eaten by the local coyotes. Oy maybe Charney has been looking for the same dog for more than three months. In any case, the creepy clothier presumably holds out hope the dog has not become canid food, because he has "slammed" the surrounding area with "Lost Dog" flyers, LAist reports. Charney even switched some of his billboard advertising from scantily-clad young women to the plea for help seen at left. Awww, sweet and sad all at once. But how did a neurotic obsessive like Charney misplace his dog in the first place? Maybe he was somehow distracted?? [LAist]

Just in case Upper East Side women with their handbag Chihuahuas didn't already have enough things to waste money on, German designer Junge Schachtel has given them one more—designer dog poo bags. A package of 16 brightly colored bags (which feature slogans like "Spoiled brat" and "Size matters") runs around $20. [PooPooBags.com, via BB]

Meet Dr. David Best. He's the Manhattan physician who got booted on last night's episode of the CBS reality competition Greatest American Dog. Best and his little terrier, Elvis, it seems, do everything together. And there's nothing it seems Best won't do for his best friend: The doc spent $10,000 last November on the canine's "Bark Mitzvah" at the Tribeca Grand (left), which attracted Dr. Ruth and Elvis's mother, and also earned him the attention of CBS execs, who promptly signed him up for the dog-centric reality show. So it probably shouldn't come as a surprise that when the judges gave the duo the boot on last night's episode, Dr. Best didn't take it very well. Tears were shed. Dreams were shattered. (You can watch the epic meltdown right here.)

Oh great. Adorable puppy kills adorable baby.

Jessica Biel: Hey, do you want to go to the park today? Play with the other dogs?
Jessica Biel's Dog: Too hot for park today. Also, there are too many people there. Way too many.
J.B.: Well, do you want to go a movie? Catch that new Batman movie?
J.B.D: I saw it the other day with the dog from next door. We went to the Bridge. I'll never make that mistake again.
J.B.: Why's that?
J.B.D: It's like a smaller version of City Walk. Ugh. If it's not the Arclight, then it's probably bullshit. You know what I mean?
J.B.: Yeah....So, what do you want to do today?
J.B.D.: Do you want to get a smoothie?
J.B.: Nah. Do you just want to sit in front of a fan and do Darth Vader impressions?
J.B.D.: Best idea I heard all day.

The big controversy in the UK currently involves-as you would guess-profanity charges against an animated dog. The famous (reportedly) Churchill dog is an ad icon that the English enjoy watching as he utters his unforgettable catch phrase "Oh, yes." Ha! Strangely, a ton of Brits swear that in his latest commercial, the dog actually says "Oh, yes, fuck." The company's public response has been to blow it all off like, "Are you 'avin a laugh?" But now it's a full-blown scandal! The clip in question is after the jump; can you hear it? To be honest, we can't understand British TV ads even when they involve humans speaking clearly.

All those of hours of practice and hard work finally paid off for Reese Witherspoon and her bulldog as they successfully struck a similar pose on their way to Fred Segal. Witherspoon was inspired by the CBS reality series Greatest American Dog and wanted to have a symbiotic relationship with the pup. Witherspoon didn't want to become a crazy dog lady, but she realized that her bulldog was just too cute to not pal around with while in Hollywood.

David Faustino launched his own dog walking business Wednesday afternoon in Hollywood. Faustino got the idea to start the business after seeing a couple of neighborhood kids earn five bucks for walking his next door neighbor's dog. Faustino said, "I like to walk. I like the fresh air. I like to make money and I got some time on my hands. And since I kind of like dogs, the whole thing just clicked. So, here I am today with my first client, Officer Scraps." Bud's Buddies, the name of Faustino's business, is currently serving the Hollywood area; the cost is five dollars per dog, plus a small fee if Faustino has to scoop up any dog business.

Any way you slice it, Gossip Girl star Blake Lively is having one helluva year. Not only is her show a big hit (online, that is), but she's starring in the anticipated sequel to Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants, she got to spend a few minutes flirting with David Letterman and she landed herself on the cover of the new issue of Vanity Fair (and didn't even have to pose with McLovin to do it!). One would think all would be well in Blake Lively's world. However, one would be wrong. You see, there's this pesky problem issue of people getting her confused with Paris Hilton that is, like, so frustrating and stuff to her! As she explains in the new issue of Seventeen: