The Way We Live Now: In rubble, soaked in our own urine. Americans are giving up on baseball. Iraqis are giving up on jobs. And entire cities are giving up on existence and bulldozing themselves.

The perpetually put-upon parents of Park Slope have yet another outrage to face! Already battling listserv fees and fighting sexist hats, the yups must now contend with dogs trying to eat their babies!

Let's say an angry pit bull has a Menace Factor of 10. But make it a Japanese DJ's dog facing off against a "Celebrity facialist's" Yorkie on the L.E.S., and the Menace is, like, three.

Hello, pancake painter-to-the-stars Dan Lacey has completed another work of art suggested by you, the celebrity-obsessed Gawker readers. Today: "Mickey Rourke and the canine-star of Beverly Hills Chihuahua urinating on him."

The Obama girls are finally getting that puppy next week, and their father has managed to cap the drawn-out saga of the pup's acquisition with a masterful bit of political pageantry: It's a Kennedy dog!

A crippling recession that's forced thousands of people into tent cities, eating dog food, is no reason to penalize our nation's dogs. So brave Americans are buying more gratuitous dog things than ever!

Martha Stewart's French bulldogs now have their own blog. It's called "The Daily Wag with Francesca and Sharkey." And chunks of it are written in French. Thank us later. [The Daily Wag via Buzzfeed]

"Demand for fake testicles for neutered pets, including dogs and cats, is also holding up during the recession. Southern California is the biggest market for Kansas City, Missouri-based Neuticles, said Gregg Miller, the company's founder. Its most expensive prosthetic testicles, for large dogs, cost $1,299. 'You would assume that with people losing their homes and jobs, the last thing on their mind is buying a pair of fake testicles for their pets,' Miller said. 'Folks in California love their pets and are trendsetters. They'd do anything for them, no matter what the economy is doing.'" [Bloomberg]

Unfortunate news for the dogs hoping to take a bite out of the $5 billion to $8 billion fortune real estate queen Leona Helmsley left behind when she passed away in 2007: A Manhattan judge ruled today that the trustees managing Helmsley's estate will get to decide how the funds are distributed, even though she left instructions that her money go to care for dogs. No word on how Trouble, Helmsley's beloved pooch, reacted to the news, but if someone files another mauling lawsuit, you'll know the news didn't go down well. [NYP]

The Obamas picked a dog! And they had Robert Gibbs deliver a press release to the assembled White House press corps announcing that... no, wait, the First Lady just talked to People.

Beth Ostrosky—or Beth Ostrosky Stern, as she'd like to be known these days—has sealed a deal to write a book about dogs, according to Publishers Marketplace: "Animal-rights activist (and wife of Howard Stern) Beth Ostrosky Stern's user-friendly guide for anyone who owns a dog, covering everything from tips for doggie dental hygiene, diet, health, and etiquette to planning the perfect party for your pooch, to Jennifer Bergstrom at Simon Spotlight Entertainment, with Emily Westlake editing, for publication in Spring 2010, by Richard Basch at Don Buchwald Agency (world)." Presumably she shared the section on "doggie dental hygiene" with the owner of this particular pooch before going in for the photo op. [Publishers Lunch, sub req]

One disturbing effect of the recession: It seems people are less inclined to buy plastic bags so they can pick up after their dog. According to the Sanitation Department, Manhattan saw an 88 percent spike in fines for "unattended droppings" last year, with Morningside Drive, Amsterdam Avenue, West End Avenue, Riverside Drive and Central Park West cited as the worst streets. [NYP]

So, what are our soy-based friends at PETA doing these days to outrage the world, hmmm? Oh just dressing up like the KKK outside of the Westminster dog show at Madison Square Garden. Normal Monday.

First Jacques Chirac was mauled by his Maltese. And this morning, Lester Holt was viciously bitten on the face by a bloodthirsty young Rottweiler. When will we fight back against the canine menace?

Former French president Jacques Chirac was, as the gleeful British press puts it, "mauled by his own 'clinically depressed' pet dog." He — and French stereotypes — are expected to make a full recovery.

Alarming news for society types who enjoy dressing up their dogs in elaborate outfits: Britain's animal welfare group, RSPCA, is threatening to take legal action against pet owners who "over-dress" their pooches in "restrictive clothing." Fortunately for Tinsley Mortimer, Cece Cord, and Ivana Trump, there's no such law on the books in New York yet. But if our fondness for all things British (Topshop, Agyness Deyn) is any indication, it may just be a matter of time! [Daily Mail]

In an apparent attempt to ingratiate themselves with Page Six's Paula Froelich, some PR firm made a video offering Froelich's dog's stud services for $3,500 per hour. But Karl, the dog, is actually ball-less.

The current issue of The New Yorker has the details on the frightening surge in dognappings on the Upper West Side: "There's a two-man team, with one in a gray hoodie on a bicycle who comes by and slices the leash with a razor, then goes away with the dog. The other guy calls you up later on and says, 'Hey, I found your dog! What's it worth to you?'" Sounds horrifying, yes, but don't get too panicked just yet. Although versions of the story have been circulating for weeks, the 20th Precinct on the UWS has yet to receive a single report from a dognapping victim. Or a dognapping victim's owner, at least. [NYer]

Sex sells fruit. Sex sells condoms. Sex sells magazines. Sex sells charity. Sex sells cheap clothes and pseudocool clothes. Even child sex sells cosmetics. So people are pretty cool with sex, and its selling implications. But does dog sex sell? We can only hope. Click through for the big version. [via Copyranter at Coilhouse]

President-elect Barack Obama's first press conference happened the day the nation shed yet more jobs, it began a half-hour late, and the subject was mostly the miserable economy. Obama looked tired, and lapsed occasionally back into campaign boilerplate when discussing the pressing issues he'll have to address the second he's sworn in. As he reminded us, again and again, "there's only one President at a time." But with one question from Chicago reporter Lynn Sweet, Obama immediately won over the audience, and America. He's getting his little girls a puppy! "With respect to the dog," President-elect Obama said, "this is a major issue." Slipping into deadpan mock seriousness, Obama discussed the crux of the problem—the dog should be a hypoallergenic breed, but they wanted to rescue a shelter dog. "Obviously," Obama said, "a lot of shelter dogs are mutts, like me." Even Fox is being nice to our new President now.