A new day has dawned, and with it, a new draft of a new United Nations report on climate change has leaked unto the world. Like the turning pages of a calendar as one draws closer to death, the report brings tidings that grow worse, and worse, and worse.

Salt: good? Bad? Both! It will kill you no matter what you do.

Bees: winged bombs of fiery poison; bright invaders from above; nectar thieves with barbs of fury. We are saddened to report to you that our call for a War on Bees has gone unheeded, and—as a predictable result—Americans have died.

In addition to all of the fun "food stamps" and free nights in jail, here is another thing to look forward to as a reward for being poor: having your limbs amputated.

Hey, what's up, good morning to you. In the news today is sports, weather, and nuclear disaster (potentially).

A toddler strapped into its stroller rolled off the platform and onto the subway tracks at the Archer Avenue station in Jamaica, Queens this morning.

"We Are The Next Lost Generation"—a Thought Catalog exercise in putting life in perspective.

According to a new study published today in the scientific journal PLOS ONE, fish-eating spiders "lurk near rivers, ponds, and swamps on every continent except Antarctica." The countdown for spiders to eventually eat us has begun.

A 7,000-square-foot house overlooking Texas' Lake Whitney had to be abandoned by its owners after its foundation began to crumble off, taking a chunk of the house with it as it fell 75 feet and into the water. The couple that owns the house was forced to move out two weeks ago, after it had been condemned.

Two more little earthquakes hit the Los Angeles area this morning. Imagine me saying that in the most ennui-laden voice possible, since it happens all the time now. Does this portend L.A.'s final doom? Maybe.

"Liberia is doomed" due to poor economic policy, said Liberia's finance minister this week. Uh... thanks for your service, but we've decided to go in a different direction with the "Finance Minister" position.

It is widely understood within the insurance industry that some forms of insurance are merely polite window dressing; if a $100 billion hurricane hits Florida, for example, homeowners are fucked. Now, investors are increasingly betting on no disasters happening. What could go wrong?

It is not a question of if a killer asteroid will strike our planet, devastating at the very least a city, and at most the entire race. It is just a question of how soon. The current consensus: it won't be too long now.

Once upon a time, a lot of gangsters got together and built some casinos in the middle of a desert. For inexplicable reasons, these casinos were allowed to flourish into a major metropolitan area: Las Vegas. Now, that city is staring down a dry, waterless future.

How did the American banking industry escape the crash of 2008 with so few scrapes and bruises, let alone so little jail time? It's easy to blame a general lack of regulation—but smarter to point the finger at the regulatory Securities and Exchange Commission itself. Last week one retiring SEC attorney, 66-year-old James Kidney, went out on a limb and agreed:

This week, President Obama mentioned that he is "concerned" with "the prospect of a nuclear weapon going off in Manhattan." What are the chances that that will happen in our lifetime? Let's guess!

Worrying about global warming can be exhausting. What should we do? Recycle? Plant a garden? It's confusing. So it's good to hear a respected scientist say: Relax. We're already completely fucked no matter what.

Good news for beleaguered law students: it appears that law firm hiring is really picking up. In fact, it's almost back to where it was right before everything came crashing down.

You care about the environment, eh? You want to stop global warming? You support switching cars and trucks and buses to "clean burning natural gas?" Wrong! Our best-laid plans only hasten our demise.

In 2012, there were an estimated 14 million new cases of cancer worldwide. Man, that's nothing.