Officials say 17 towns in California could run out of water in the next 2-4 months, thanks to endless drought. Does it seem like the weather's been kind of... I don't know... extreme lately? Maybe it's just our imaginations.

Scientists using a new form of analysis say that an earthquake south of Los Angeles would cause "stronger-than-expected ground movement" in the city. Since it was already expected that Los Angeles will be totally wiped off the fucking map, we suggest that L.A. residents begin calmly making their way out.

The scientific consensus about what will happen to billions of humans over the next century as climate change intensifies: "We'll die."

Barring a huge public works project the likes of which the world has never seen, south Florida is doomed. Its end will come not from Bugs Bunny wielding a saw, but from the gentle lapping of waves higher and higher upon the shore. Three points to ponder:

"Bubble" is just "babble"—plus u. Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! High! High! High! High!

As we do periodically, we will now remind you that you will probably never save enough money to retire successfully. What makes us so sure of ourselves? Well, try this simple quiz: are you an American?

As sure as we know the economy is going up, we know that the economy shall also, sooner or later, come back down. Whence shall the next poisonous economic tumor begin? Today we turn our alert gaze to the predictions of a dude who should know.

Scientists say the Earth will be habitable for at least another 1.75 billion years, though you will be dead in less than 0.000004286% of that time.

Five years ago today, the front pages were just a catalog of panicky headlines about the meltdown of America's finances. Today, things have changed: headlines note that only some groups of Americans are financially doomed.

The farther we get from the last economic collapse, the closer we get to the next economic collapse. But which bubble is next to pop? Student loans? Desert real estate? Today, we turn our untrained eye to the backbone of the U.S. stock market.

Up in the High Sierra of Yosemite National Park today, a monstrous wildfire is racing through 200 square miles of dense piney forest. The "Rim Fire" is only one of about fifty major wildfires across the American West today, but everyone has at least heard of the majestic Yosemite Valley with its glacier-carved Half Dome and summer traffic jams of vacationers seeking waterfalls and hamburgers, so this is our official Natural Disaster of the week.

With all the talk these days of a "global warming crisis" and "looming planetary disaster," it may sometimes be hard to know what to think. Relax: our global warming crisis and looming planetary disaster are going exactly as scheduled.

One year ago, America had bigger things to worry about than A-Rod's pharmaceutical regimen and the latest tripe from Beyonce: a huge, well-deserved drought covering the majority of the country. What has the new summer brought us? More drought. And now we must suffer for our sins.

William Lynch, the CEO of Barnes & Noble, resigned this week after less than two years on the job, having failed to turn around the earnings of the Last Remaining Book Store by selling color tablets. So, uh... anybody have any other ideas? For making money?

Thanks to fear of the Fed's upcoming actions and some trouble in China's credit markets, the stock market is down more than 350 points today, and the value of gold is plunging. Please put your fearful predictions and paranoid speculation in the comment section below.

What is the backwards and uncivilized Middle East doing now to thank us for our work "stabilizing" their region, with explosives? They are dying from a brand new virus that researchers now say is "deadlier than SARS." How long before you, too, are dead?

Looks like it's gonna be a fun day in the stock market today.

Accuweather forecasts eight Atlantic hurricanes this season, including three that will hit the U.S. Sounds fun.

A jaunty road sign on the path to apocalypse was passed today, as the level of carbon dioxide in our planet's air reached a level last seen long before mankind existed. Take a deep breath. Enjoy that air. Soon, you'll be breathing water.