It is fortunate that the legal profession is renowned for its graceful sense of humor about its own problems, because the "new generation" of lawyers will consist only of one cute dog, because everyone else knows that going to law school would be the worst possible decision that a young adult can make except for eating that third slice of Pizza Hut's new Cheesy Bites™ pizza simulacrum. Let's check in on the depressing mire of gloom that is the legal profession and its educational antecedents, shall we?

Good news for people who love freedom, hate terrorism, and people who do not live in Yemen and will never visit Yemen and do not appear to be from Yemen or its surrounding areas: the U.S. government is relaxing its rules for drone strikes in Yemen. When it comes to incinerating more or less inscrutable targets with unseen missile attacks like Zeus himself, why be encumbered by a bunch of bureaucratic rules?

God's righteous anger against America's wanton and sinful adoption of gay marriage and predilection towards consuming Cheez on the Sabbath hath caused him to strike us with plagues like lice, bedbugs, raccoons, and skunks. Still, our licentious nation persists in viewing "PG-13" movies and huffing jenkem. Well now, god has something new for you, Sodomites.

Not to alarm you, at all, but in the near future our globe will be a hive of warring city-states in which armies driven mad by thirst slaughter one another over the final trickles of our parched world's last dying streams. That's what the government thinks, at least. Are you ready? You better get ready, my friends.

There is a certain percentage of the population that objects to giving their kids vaccinations, because of stuff like Jesus, some book, Jenny McCarthy, whatever. You know, crazy people. Fine, in isolated instances. But when the crazy people reach a critical mass, we all die.

Here's the follow-up to middle-aged casino executive Allen Samuel's debut, "One of the Worst Rap Videos Ever Made." This one here is called, ah, "An Equally Painful Rap Video That Never Should Have Been Made, This One With Some 'Economic' Angle or, Christ, Who Even Knows."

For a while we had a recession. Then we had a "recovery." Now, we're just sort of floating along in the Economic Maybe Zone. Just believe whatever you want. Are we all doomed to crash again?

If you're young and poor, today's new Pew Center survey has bad news and good news.

Happy 101 years and one day after the birth of Ronald "The Gipper" Reagan—the man that the American public ranks as the greatest president ever.

When the topic of "What America really needs" comes up, one answer inevitably surfaces as a common refrain: less labor-intensive access to fast food. Your dream may soon come true, America.

No big news yesterday, nothing to worry about, just one of the world's most successful investors warning that the developed world's economy is falling into a "deflationary debt trap" and "ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE" AAAAAGGGHHHHH:

At precisely 2 p.m. ET on Wednesday, November 9th, FEMA will conduct the first ever test of a Presidential Emergency Alert System — a nationwide public warning system that, according to the FCC, "requires broadcasters, cable television systems, wireless cable systems, satellite digital audio radio service providers, and direct broadcast satellite providers to provide the communications capability to the President to address the American public during a national emergency." Yikes. The original test was planned to run over three minutes — much longer than the ear-piercing localized tests you're already used to — but the test has been reduced to 30 seconds after many jittery people made a stink. Why?

The markets are crashing again today, no big deal. It happens every couple of weeks now. Regular 300-point daily fluctuations? Pish posh. It provides an opportunity for traders and Wall Street insiders to take easy profits on the meaningless gyrations of the market at the expense of the average investor. Just another day. You have bigger things to worry about.

Is your child younger than two years old? Has your child ever caught a glimpse of your household television set in the "on" mode? Congratulations: you're raising a loser.

Have you been under the impression that now, a decade after 9/11, you could stop fearing the ubiquitous Mysterious White Powder that could—at any moment—come spilling out of a nearby envelope, forcing you to evacuate your office? Wrong!

The weirdest thing in the whole entire USA Today "economic reporting as well as stories about angels" newspaper today was this alleged propaganda piece about how Americans just keep getting more and more pessimistic about the economy. What's the major malfunction, Americans? Unhappy about the virtually assured prospect of several more relentlessly awful years of your home not gaining value as you foolishly expected, extending the fearsome "lost decade" unto, it seems, infinity? Well I guess that makes sense.

The state of Ohio is selling one of its state prisons. To a private company. For money. Goodbye, prisoners incarcerated by the state of Ohio. Hello, money!

One good (bad? Who knows, really?) consequence of the impending re-collapse of the world's financial markets: gold prices have risen so high—$1,715 per ounce, at the moment—that gold is now virtually the same price as platinum. A wee bit more expensive, even! All rappers will now be required to trade in their platinum chains for gold ones. Wearing a platinum chain is now as wack as wearing a silver chain was, last week.

The day's not even halfway over, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average has already dropped more than 300 fucking points, close to 3% of its value. The Nasdaq is down more than 3% as well. What's the problem? Fear of a looming double-dip recession. (What's "looming" is the second dip.) Haha, have you been missing 2009? Perhaps we'll get to live it all over again!

Who are the real losers of this recession, besides "all of humanity in general?" We don't want to spoil it for you, but... not white people! Whew. From the NYT: