Amid all of the hustle and bustle of daily news headlines, useless celebrity minutiae, and the mundane workaday distractions of our own lives, it can be useful at times to take a step back, get some perspective, and remember the "big picture:" we're all doomed.
When we say, as we often do, "You will never retire," while pointing directly at you and waving a fistful of dollar bills and burning an American flag, it is not meant to be taken as a jeer; rather, it is our way of soberly guiding your attention to the distressing probability that you, personally, have little chance of attaining the type of comfortable retirement afforded to earlier generations, and will probably spend your "golden years" desperately trying to live off your meager backyard garden, until you grow too decrepit to work it, at which point you will, in all likelihood, simply starve.
Just when the stock market recovers and public optimism returns and you start to lose faith in the power of American capitalism to constantly repeat its past mistakes in the form of foreseeable boom-and-bust cycles that always end in massive losses, the system steps up to reinforce your belief in humanity's fundamental unwillingness to learn from past mistakes, ever. Hello, looming student loan meltdown!
Stanley Druckenmiller is a legendary hedge fund manager, former partner of George Soros, and billionaire investor. He is one of the more levelheaded and reasonable of the hedge fund gods. He's made billions of dollars by reading the world economy correctly for several decades. So it's worth at least passing on the fact that he is convinced that a new financial crash is looming for America. Worse than the last one!
With just a couple weeks left in December, it's looking like 2012 is going to go down as the hottest year on record here in New York City (average temperature 57.2 degrees—balmy!). Coincidentally, it looks like 2012 will also be the hottest year on record in Dallas. And in Houston, and in the rest of Texas. And in Detroit. And in Cleveland. And in Missouri. And, fuck it, in the entire United States of America.
It only took a handful of freak killer storms devastating our economic and cultural capitals for Americans to get real about the perils of global warming. You know who is the most interested in figuring out exactly how bad global warming will be? The people with all the money, who have the most to lose. That is a good reason to tremble in fear at this new World Bank forecast.
Leading scientific expert Peter Wadhams warned this week that it may be only four years until the Arctic—a place once known for its ice—experiences a total melting of its sea ice in the summer months. Wadhams called this a "global disaster" with "terrible" implications. Well Prof. Wadhams, perhaps you should change your name to Prof. Deborah Downer? Because it looks like you forgot about all the money$$$??
The news this morning: America continues to be a society starkly divided, in which a wealthy fortunate minority diligently works to prepare its own children for a future of perpetuating their social and economic dominance, while the less fortunate majority struggles simply to survive. It's Tuesday.
Economic decline, unemployment, political strife, violence, taxes, crying kids, lazy spouses, broken homes, filthy streets, unwatered lawns, stubbed toes, cracked iPhone screens, food stuck in your teeth. Where does it end? Well, as if that weren't enough to worry about, add one more thing to the list: whooping cough. Yep. There's an outbreak right now. Worst one in half a century. Vaccines wearing off, and whatnot. As if we needed that. Ain't it always something?
For centuries, Americans have strutted about boldly as masters of our natural domains. Forest? Clear it. River? Dam it. Lake? Drain it. Endangered species? See if it is tasty when covered in Cheez™. We have comported ourselves as gods, and expected that the rest of the world would bow to our haughty demands. So this summer, as your lawn withers and your faucets run dry and your neighbors arm themselves for the coming Water Wars, rest assured: we deserve this drought.
Though our grandparents are often referred to as "The Greatest Generation," we, too, will make our mark in history as the generation that endured merciless war without end. First, the War on Drugs; then, the War on Terror; and now—everyone, please load your weapons—the War on Bees.
Yeah, don't get up off of your La-Z-Boy reclining chair or anything, but just to let you know, right this very second, while you're seeing how many Cheez™ Stix you can fit into your mouth before swallowing, there is a whole freaking galaxy of super-hot flaming stars COMING RIGHT AT US.
Soda: the fizzy plague. The nectar of diabeetus. The bubbles of death. The artificial flavors and colors of tongue fun. Americans are drinking less soda these days, what with the undeniable public realization that that shit is poison, and the associated social shaming that goes with being a poison drinker. And thank god for that. But to be clear: you, Americans, you fools, still drink way too much poison swill of doom (soda).
