"Everyone into the survival pods, quickly! We may be smashed and the pressure could blow! Space death and boiling blood is what we face!" These words or some version of them were likely spoken aboard the International Space Station yesterday around 8 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, when the astronauts there were *nearly* obliterated by speeding space debris.

Super computers! Narcissistic kids! Harvard scandals! Floating ants! Big lasers! Lying Superman! Magic batteries! Anti-helium! And sexxxy peacock pimping secrets! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—bitingly!

Happy Monday morning, everyone. Remember that huge mass grave of murder victims found in Mexico this month? Yes, well. It's up to 177 bodies now. And, believe it or not, its mere existence is not the worst part.

Parents: have you purchased your baby a top-of-the-line crib and lovingly accentuated it with "Puffy bumpers, pillows and blankets, low-hanging mobiles and a menagerie of stuffed animals?" You have, haven't you? Because you care about little Aedynn, don't you? Yeah, about death.

Dirty gas! Judge timing! Lying doctors! Space dust! Courage secret! Alcohol brain! Old viruses! Young puberty! And big wrists that kill! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—with petite bone structure, thank you!

Vanquished social network MySpace will open its books to interested buyers Wednesday. The only problem is that the books look horrible and no one is interested in buying.

Plant life! Animal love! Prison workout! Potassium Iodide! Food surplus! Teen sleep! Nuclear disaster! And the key to happiness! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—from within a radiation-proof bubble!

Nothing loves disaster more than gold prices. Thanks to the unspeakable devastation in Japan, gold prices rose once again today, and investors have high hopes that they'll just keep on rising for the foreseeable future.

Here in recession recovery-plagued America, we're so discombobulated we don't know up from down or right from wrong. Are we hypocrites? Schizophrenics? Or just victims of Stockholm Syndrome? On the one hand, we have no faith in our government:

A hearty "Happy Anniversary—With Cream!" is in order for caffeine-'n-branding purveyor Starbucks, which is celebrating 40 years of not going out of business. On this blessed occasion, allow us to reflect on Starbucks' legacy of woe.

Health officials in Los Angeles were curious why "hundreds" of people got sick after a fundraising party at the Playboy Mansion last month. It turns out the Playboy Mansion is full of Legionnaire's disease! Which can lead to fatal respiratory failure, septic shock, and acute liver failure. Thought it's not likely!

Even during the worst days of the collapse of the housing bubble (Sundays through Saturdays), it was widely assumed that the real pain would be confined to Vegas, and Florida, and other places where people woke up and realized that they'd just paid $1.3 million for a particleboard McMansion in the middle of a desert and/ or swamp.

The American Dream is owning your own home. We heard that so many times in the past decade! Remember that? That was before the recession and all. Now, a brutal landmark: all the past decade's home ownership gains are gone.

There is no hope. Discouraged and terrified scientists now tell us that the modern urban bedbug has spent the last decade drinking in our best poisons while emitting tiny cackles, growing stronger and stronger and stronger and scarier.

Depressed college kids! Depressed video game kids! Depressed adults! Depressed B12! Depressed tooth decay! Depressed ginger! Depressed surgeons! Depressed ladies! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—quite happily, thank you!

The Way We Live Now: catastrophically. We can scarcely enumerate the varied and horrifying catastrophes befalling us at any given moment! Snow! Blight! Unemployment! Scams! Theft! Urban decay! The only way to survive is to be on the catastrophe's side!

McDonald's is planning a huge expansion in China. Soon their kids will be just like ours!

Contrary to earlier sunny reports, scientists have found dead coral near the Gulf oil spill site.

The Dow closed at 11,437 today, its highest level since the Lehman Bros. bankruptcy. Oh dear.

Aspiring astronauts: run, don't walk, to sign up for NASA's vague new scheme to blast you off to Mars, never to return. Don't worry—they're doing it on the cheap!