Just as bedbugs have taken over our internet, our media, our tourist attractions, and our movie theaters, we get a new pest to deal with: raccoons. Yes, raccoons, where you live. Christ. What infernal vexations must we fight off next?

The Way We Live Now: huffing and puffing and blowing houses down. We're talking economically, okay? Home equity has evaporated. Deflation is inevitable. Credit card rates are increasingly usurious. Your safe investments are bubbles. And your painting's been stolen. Blows.

The deadly Mexican Pig Influenza Pandemic— remember that?—yes, that. Well, it's over. FYI. It's "run its course," according to the World Health Organization. Did you survive? Cool. Ditto. I think we called this one accurately way back when. [LAT]

The Way We Live Now: shedding—shedding jobs, like a thick fur coat sloughing off in the summer's heat. You don't want our economy to sweat, do you? Not to worry: a little perspective will turn that frown upside down!

If you're like me, you may have just *assumed* that if a chemical is being manufactured in large quantities and placed in your breakfast cereal, there would be *some* evidence that it will not kill you. Not true at all!

The good news: prices are going down! The bad news: this will destroy the American economy (again). Unless...

Earth had its warmest April ever this year. It was the warmest June ever, too: The average global temperature was 61.1 degrees, 1.22 degrees above average. But May was pretty chilly. So, global warming must be a fraud. [PHYSORG]

Monkey soldiers of killer doom? Prehensile terror tails and teeth! Trained macaques wielding automatic weapons and Islamofasctist sympathies! The word is finally out: the Taliban is using the CIA's murder monkey program against us. The troops! The troops!

"So impressed with 5W PR!!! It's refreshing to meet business people who exceed your expectations."—Julia Allison. Wow. The Protofameball and the World's Worst Flack, together at last. I guess our work here is done?

The Way We Live Now: Having those same old troubles again. Remember that time, not too long ago, when we had the incident with, you know, the world economy plunging into hellfire and chaos? That thing? Yea. Comeback time!

Our doom shall come by fire rather than by ice: last month was the hottest April on record, ever. The average global temperature was a balmy 58.1 degrees, 1.37 degrees above average. But...but what about Dr. Drudge's scientific reassurances? [NOAA]

First, MacLaren strollers ate up your baby's fingers. Then, your naturalistic baby sling smothered your baby. And now, Simplicity and Graco cribs are being recalled, because they will "suffocate or strangle" your baby. Your baby! Your baby! Your baby! [Pic]

Healthcare reform has passed. It's not perfect, but it's better than nothing and almost universally a good thing. Unless you're Fox News or Sarah Palin, in which case it's the end of the world. We watched today's apocalyptic coverage, mystified.

Sweet Jesus. See this plexiglass tunnel surrounded by Dubai killer sharks? It sprang a leak and flooded. The shark tunnel flooded. One day after the killer whale killed the Sea World trainer. And the ants escaped. We are outta here.

Meredith Bryan observes in the NYO today that—hello!—niceness is back! On the internet, and in New York in general. Goodbye to cynicism! This interesting and somewhat true phenomenon will destroy us all, if we let it.

Botox: "the only profit-making venture for terrorists that can also potentially yield a weapon of mass destruction." Any Islamofascist biology major can pose as a Botox salesman while manufacturing enough botulinum toxin to kill thousands. Save us, Nicole Kidman! [WP]

Good god. Remember that little outbreak of a mysterious intestinal illness at the New York Times that shut down the company cafeteria earlier this month? Well, they've run some tests, and...we don't know how to tell you this...it's... Norovirus. (*Checks Wikipedia.*) Dang that makes you throw up and poop!

FYI, parents: It's not just Maclaren strollers that will steal your child's precious fingertips; Graco has also issued a stroller recall after chopping five kids' fingers off. Will Aidyn and Madelynne never know the joys of ten-digit masturbation? [Pic via]

Yesterday there was little news available from Haiti, so optimism remained. But as more info about yesterday's earthquake comes out, it looks grim. The prime minister says hundreds of thousands may be dead. The government has almost ceased to function.

Did learning that your antidepressant is fucking useless make you toss all your Paxils out the window? Not so fast! You don't want to lose that sweet placebo effect. Because there's still a lot to be depressed about.