Maybe you heard yesterday about how things are going great over at Goldman, like $1,000,000 for each employee great? So surely there were some sick banker celebrations going down last night, right? Not if management can help it!

Uh oh! Silicon Valley journalist Sarah Lacy laughed when Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk called a New York Times writer a "douchebag." Now the Times is in a snit and she's calling the newspaper sexist!

A New Jersey judge has revealed the secret to calling someone a "douchebag": Make it clear you're just kidding! That's why the Honorable Menelaos Toskos cleared the author of Hot Chicks With Douchebags of defamation.

How was the hellish "Fashion Meets Finance" gold-diggers-meet-broken-men dating event last night? The New York Press' Matt Harvey went to find out! And apparently found an Andre Sparkling Wine commercial, circa 1998:

This little ad for Will Ferrell's new one-man show about GW Bush was banned from both ABC and CBS after outraged viewers decried its profane terminology. Bunch of D's. Watch it below, for freedom:

We may have resurrect the word "Douchebag" for a day, because it's time for another "Fashion Meets Finance" Douche-Dating extravaganza! Jim Cramer will be there! And we have the entire list of attendees:

A reader recently suggested that the time has come to retire the term douchebag. We agree. It's been a dear friend, but it's time to find a new word to describe the people we despise.

Hahaha: Incompetent, litigious superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian is suing a rival for $20 million for calling him a douchebag, on the internet! Hahahaha! This is my favorite story of the holiday season:

Donny Deutsch, the recently-fired insufferable CNBC host and official Gawker Douchebag, has been photographed in an affair with another man's wife, and it's all over Page Six.

It's the best blog-to-book news yet. Remember the self-explanatory blog Hot Chicks with Douchebags, which was turned into a photo book (with commentary)? First, three of the hot chicks in question sued, and now one of the douchebags is suing the author and publisher, the Smoking Gun reports. "The plaintiff has been, and continues to be, the object of ridicule in that he... continues to be called a Douchebag by friends, acquaintances, coworkers, employers, and strangers alike." And here's his photo after the jump, as shown in the book. You be the judge.

Oh my God, shut up, Tim Robbins! There are few people more insufferable than rich, self-righteous Hollywood liberals. Remember how he thought his name was taken off the voting rolls on November 4 and threw a fit that drew the cops—when the real problem, explained the New York Times very patiently, was that he had showed up to the wrong voting place? He's still traumatized (the rest of us have moved on with our lives), and has written an "open letter" on Huffington Post—the LiveJournal for celebrities—to the Board of Elections:Robbins' letter, in part:

"I am not darker, angrier or moodier these days... All that's happened is that I've given up on trying to find a way to use unwanted media as a form of entertainment." That's what the large-headed singer of sensitive fuckjams tells us via his blog. [US Weekly]

Hahaha. Some New Jersey girls are pissed because they were caught on camera with douchebag Jersey guys! Three "Hot Chicks" are suing the author and publisher of the fine educational volume Hot Chicks With Douchebags, because they were pictured therein. It's destroyed their reputations, down there in Jersey! Because they were depicted as "females who date dubious men." Outrageous! Here are the actual plaintiffs in question:

Who's Priyantha Silva? Funny you should ask. He first appeared in 2006, described as a "drunken leech who feeds off of Manhattan's more exclusive social scene. As a semi-professional gatecrasher, he poses as Conde Nast editors, claims to be a producer, and like a true ass, pulls the 'do you know who I am' routine at doors." Ruh-roh: we got a tip from a lady—as is often the case with our favorite outlandish cads—saying she met Silva at a recent film festival and was saved from his clutches by doing some pre-emptive Googling. How's the game going for the tax-evading, reporter-threatening con artist that Conde Nast once had to pull an investigation on?

CNBC covered the "Sugar Mamas & Boy Toys" speed-dating event, and we noticed a picture of a young gentleman who... AHHHH no! It's sexually over-aggressive date-a-holic Paul Janka! He's infiltrated yet again. Let's do a body-language analysis:First, examine the photograph's composition. The large, half-melted white candle in the foreground is clearly a phallic symbol. The martini glass containing a pink liquid beside represents fertility and is frankly vaginal. Janka is leaning forward—an aggressive posture—with his elbows on his knees. That studied casualness indicates ambivalence, as does the dismissive way in which he's touching his face. He's interested, but not that interested. It is important, however, for him to maintain a dominant posture for the other cougars in the room. He is not making eye contact, however. Until he does, nobody will be getting laid.

In honor of this week's total meltdown of our economy—and the fact that Bush/McCain expects us to pay to bail out the fuckers who caused it—let us focus on the stripe-shirted, bottle service-loving, date-raping, trust-funded, Ivy League pieces of human waste who made it happen. Don't get too caught up in the mercurial definition of "douchebag" when selecting clips of horrible people in movies and TV, since it's a rather recently popular term. Just think of the douchebag as anyone who hasn't really earned their own money, has horrible taste, is insanely crass, and gets off on being a shit to other people. We've had them all through the ages. Because there is no way an uninspired idiot like Jakob Lodwick could have invented them just to categorize himself. I'll get us rolling after the jump. Update: Forget the "moneyed" part. Douchebags exist in every social strata, and some of them are female as well.

"Vincent Gallo lives in the building next to mine. My doorman says that Vinny constantly comes home so wrecked he can't find his own building, and insists he lives in my building."

When Wall Street began crumbling yesterday, the rich bemoaned the loss of their money. Everybody else in New York immediately said to themselves: "Jiminy Cricket, could this be the end of mandatory bottle service in shitty clubs full of rich pricks?" I mean, it was the universal response! Bottle service rules require the purchase of a wildly overpriced bottle of liquor just to enter a club. But early indications are that Manhattan nightclubs may already be putting the $450 bottle of Grey Goose to rest. Dare we even hope?: (What I generically imagine are) Shitty one-syllable clubs Quo, Myst, and Prime didn't wait even a full day to send out this press release to Alex Geana:

How much of a total assclown and liar is Tucker Max? Even shock jocks Opie and Anthony can't stand him. When he was first pitching his retarded tome, the boys got so fed up with his obvious fabrications about crapping and sexing that they decided to make Tucker the joke of the day. Watch and enjoy as O&A-ably assisted by comedian Jim Norton-pretend that the proto-douchebag's microphone keeps kicking out. Being a self-obsessed child, of course, Tucker never gets wise to the ploy and keeps trying to tell his story over and over. Video after the jump, plus a link to a NSFW clip of Opie destroying Tucker's book and throwing it against the wall in disgust.

On a personal note, I would like to address the skinny, deeply-tanned, weasel-voiced Brooklyn fuck who set up shop five feet behind me on Long Beach just off Edwards Boulevard yesterday and proceeded to yammer into his cell phone as loudly as he possibly could about the media for two hours straight yesterday. You, sir, are human waste. I know you'll read this. How do I know? Because you said things like, "I've worked as a media professional for the last ten years," and "I just did a little temp work for the Times," and, "Can I do a seminar for, like, all these editors and news executives about digital media?" You suck. You're the worst thing I've ever heard speaking. On the beach? You spout that vile nonsense on the beach?!