Last week, Mexican drug kingpin Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán was captured in the town of Los Michos, possibly because of an interview he conducted with Sean Penn for Rolling Stone. The Sinaloa cartel, however, will carry on business as usual: “It’s not even going to skip a beat,” one analyst told AFP.

Sean Penn, the bard of our generation, published a 10,000-word opus in Rolling Stone on Saturday that is about as worth reading as “Hurlyburly” was worth seeing.

The limelight, man. It’ll chew you up and spit you out. No one knows this better than Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán, the notorious drug cartel king who was finally arrested this week after months on the lam.

Yuba County Sheriff’s Deputy Christopher M. Heath, pictured above, is credited with personally leading 62 drug investigations, many of them involving large amounts of pot. Last week, Heath himself was caught carrying 240 pounds of pot in Pennsylvania, which he and two other men had allegedly driven across the country from California.

Heroin use has exploded across the American northeast, and, according to Governor Paul LePage of Maine, men with names like “D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty” are to blame.

Last year, all of America’s burglars extracted a total of just $3.9 billion worth of property from their cumulative marks. Pansies, the nation’s cops spit in the general direction of that paltry figure. That’s all you got?

A former Wesleyan University student admitted Thursday that he had led a campus drug ring that left at least 11 students in the hospital after he sold them a bad batch of molly.

NYC mayor Bil De Blasio signed a trio of bills Tuesday that outlaw the sale of synthetic weed, commonly known as K2. It’s basically a plant sprayed with chemicals, then packaged and sold in bodegas as “incense” or “potpourri” that’s “not for human consumption.” The exact mix of synthetic cannabinoids varies from brand to brand, and changes often to get around states’ controlled substance lists.

The mysterious death of a man who bit a woman onboard an Aer Lingus flight from Lisbon to Dublin is no longer quite as mysterious. An autopsy found the man had 80 10-gram pellets of suspected cocaine in his stomach, and at least one of them reportedly burst, likely killing him.

On Tuesday night, a woman reportedly walked into an Alaska location of Subway, a popular sandwich chain known for bread that smells like recycled tires, stripped off her clothes, and went on a violent rampage, thoroughly wrecking (and possibly pooping on) the restaurant’s interior. In a real twist, police believe drugs were involved.

Beginning next month, 6,000 federal inmates, mostly drug offenders, will be released from prison early. You might believe that this is good reason to be afraid—wild men and addicts running loose on the street! But it will be just fine. Last time it happened, it was just fine, too.

I think my teddy bear knows I’m high. Do I stink? I think I stink. There’s something really foreboding about the shape of that telephone. I bet it was made in a bad factory. God, I’m a fraid. Maybe if I just put on Planet Earth, I’ll feel better. A fraid? Unless it’s the episode with the fish. Afraid. God, I’m so afraid. Maybe I should call the cops.

South Dakota’s Santee Sioux tribe will fulfill a longstanding dream of highDEAS.com user JabiousForever and legions of stoners everywhere by opening the nation’s first marijuana resort by the end of the year.

Given that Big Pharma executives are mostly visible monsters with fangs and horns, they usually avoid the spotlight. But after raising the cost of a life-saving pill by 5,000 percent, Turing CEO Martin Shkreli is loudly telling the world to fuck off.

Can you quantify the power of familial love? For one Williamsburg family, yeah—cops have assessed it at approximately $1.5 million a year in heroin sales, totally tax-free.

“They packed the bowl of the pipe (the terminology of which I found on reddit), and showed me how to smoke it properly.” America’s least cool 23-year-old tries weed (slang for marijuana).

Happy birthday, kiddo. Here’s one of those Minion things you like, plus a little box stuffed with cocaine. What’s in the big one? Also cocaine.

Forty-six Americans serving time for the non-violent crime of doing and/or selling drugs will get a shot at a normal life again—including 14 offenders who would otherwise have spent their entire lives behind bars.