Last night barely divorced actress Demi Moore was taken to the hospital in an ambulance for issues related to substance abuse. We're not sure what the symptoms were or what the substances are, but 911 was called, so it couldn't have been pretty.

Well well well, obesity rates in America are finally "stabilizing," at 112%. Kidding, it's not even 40%. We've managed to avoid a clinically obese majority. This is considered progress. No thanks to you, Paula Deen.

Carlos Castaneda. Timothy Leary. Daniel Pinchbeck…mopey Ted Mosby? Josh Radnor, he of How I Met Your Mother and that movie no one saw that kind of looked like Garden State, looks to join the literary titans of tripping with a memoir slated for an April release. One Big Blissful Thing details his journey from a suburban Ohio upbringing to ayahuasca ceremonies in the Amazon. Ayahuasca is a hallucinogenic plant that many Amazon tribes use for ritualistic practices. Maybe all that drug use is why he keeps rambling on and digressing with how he actually met his wife?

Sure our collective crazy Irish aunt Sinead O'Connor admitted that her "mad search" for some pot on her wedding night helped lead to her breakup with her latest husband after only 16 days, but there is more to the story. Well, just change "pot" with "crack" and you have the whole story.

New painkiller! Holiday eating! Gum health! Infant drugs! Fat ladies! Swine flu! Coma boy! Allergy cats! And a foolproof stop smoking plan that just might work! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—fatalistically!

Quiet, everyone, Sen. Chuck Schumer's going to tell us about the latest consumer product he doesn't like. Is it Four Loko? No, he already ruined that. Now he's onto inhalable caffeine.

Out of work? Hard up for cash? Why not just post up in Times Square with "Help! I Need Money For Weed!" scrawled on an inexpensive piece of posterboard? Works for Josh Long! From the NYT:

Deangelo Mitchell and his brother Wayne were taken into custody by the cops in South Carolina when the po-po suspected they had drugs in their car. While in custody, Deangelo convinced Wayne to eat the ounce of cocaine he had hidden in his ass. Then Wayne died.

Sean Parker wants to be taken seriously. Facebook's founding president badly wants to convince people he's not an amoral party boy like Justin Timberlake in The Social Network. Which is why it's strange he basically encouraged the New York Times to paint him as a cokehead.

After learning that Kentucky led the nation in the number of meth labs seized last year, glory-hungry (and hopefully flame-retardant) Missourians rigged up more labs than ever to make sure their state reclaimed the title of "America's meth capital."

After studying 208 unmarried couples and their drinking habits, researchers at Canada's Dalhousie University have discovered that the binge-drinking of one partner in a relationship often transfers to the other partner. Alcohol abuse is a contagious disease.

A new study by the National Institutes of Health shows a 30-year high (LOL) in the incidence of marijuana usage among high school students, even while drinking and other drug use has declined. Don't they know that marijuana is a dangerous illegal drug, while alcohol is a perfectly legal way to talk to people at parties? There's a reason it's called "dope," you know.

Twin surgery! Young insurance! Teen weedheads! Statin flu! Cookie dough! Thin tricks! Working moms! ADHD drugs! And the very latest cigarette news from Eastern Europe! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—sickeningly!

In a new GQ profile, Nick Nolte upended one of the great tales of the internet age, revealing that his famous wacked-out mug shot—taken after he passed out while driving on the Pacific Coast Highway—was not actually a mug shot, but a Polaroid he willingly posed for after a cop asked for a picture. Is it true? As true as any recollection Nick Nolte has about his drug-induced catatonic episodes. Which is to say no, it's not true.

Fashionista is running a series on "Fashion Intern Horror Stories," and the best one—about the world's "best known supermodel" peeing all over a white suit—makes for a workable blind item:

How are our visibly depressed college students faring this year? Poorly. Very poorly.

A report in the NY Post says the city's Parks Department has issued 113 summonses between January and November to people they've caught drinking alcohol on the High Line, the mile-long public park installed in an abandoned, elevated freight railroad that runs along Manhattan's west side. That's by far the most tickets of any park in the five boroughs.

Germany—and, more importantly, Germany's Christmas spirit—is under attack by a man who dresses like Santa, but is, in fact—you guessed it—a Grinch. Of roofies.

Here's your bleak and/or infuriating tale of mortally dangerous desperation of the day: Tulsa police arrested a woman for attempting to make meth inside a Walmart store yesterday. Elizabeth Elisha Halfmoon was in the store for six hours. When police finally noticed her, she was "mixing sulfuric acid with starter fluid in a bottle."

Irina Kristy, an easy-grading college math professor with an impenetrable accent who has taught at Boston University and Suffolk University since 1987, has been arrested for allegedly running a crystal meth lab with Grigory Genkin, her 29-year-old son, out of their home in Somerville, Massachusetts. (This is the part in the post where you point a finger at your screen and shout, "Breaking Bad! Breaking Bad!" even though it bears only a passing resemblance to the AMC series. So please stop.)