Atlanta rapper Big Boi—one half of Outkast along with André 3000, and star of one of the great episodes of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit—was arrested in Miami on Sunday on drug possession charges. Rappers, right? Always with ecstasy and viagra-fueled cruises!

The high price of a pint of beer in Britain is a pretty hot issue. Through extensive research, we recently concluded that many Britons were switching to cocaine because it's more affordable. Now, to take advantage of new tax breaks, breweries are developing weaker beers — and taste testers seem to like them! The Independent reports on some promising poll results:

Alexander technique! HIV trends! Antidepressant popularity! Imaginary wrinkles! Expensive food! Sick ticks! Scorpion medicine! Elderly genes! And some very special research by scientist perv pornographers! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—maniacally!

British police seized some 1.3 tons of cocaine from a yacht named "Louise"—the largest coke haul in the country's history, and enough to last Prince Harry through at least 2017.

The Daily Mail has a story today that will change your perception of the stuffy old Tower of London forever. Major General Keith Cima, who was fired as governor of the Tower in December, is blowing the lid off a sophicticated ring of Beefeaters who grow weed and rent Tower rooms out to "young female tourists." They also incessantly harassed the first ever female Beefeater, Moira Cameron. In a statement to the London Central Employment Tribunal, Cima had this to say about the place while he was in charge:

Anti-cop sentiment has been bubbling over lately, but here's a story to remind us that police officers can and do save lives — even the lives of people acting like idiots. A sheriff's deputy in the Florida Keys dove into the ocean late Saturday night to save a man attempting to drown himself after bad-tripping on mushrooms.

Not to be preachy, or anything, but, if you ever find a "brick of an unknown substance" floating in the ocean, you should "just say no" to snorting it. Especially if you are a 53-year-old on a fishing trip.

The vegan philosopher Morrissey tells us that "meat is murder," and for our vegetarian purposes he's correct. But murder is also murder, which is why you can't shoot your drug dealer even if he brazenly gives you hamburger instead of weed.

A 38-year-old cop in Indiana, John Newcomb, was arrested Wednesday night after he side-swiped a parked car with his truck and then plowed into a tree, apparently while he was drunk. A woman who heard the crash and saw the immediate aftermath gave some details of the scene to local news channel WAVE 3. The best part of this otherwise average drunk driving-cop story is the trailer Newcomb was pulling :

A 15-year-old kid named Edgar Jiménez Lugo, also known as "El Ponchis," was sentenced to three years in jail yesterday by a Mexican court for beheading four people on behalf of a drug cartel, as well as drug trafficking and kidnapping. A U.S. citizen born in San Diego, Lugo gained notoriety last year after he confessed on video (above) to killing cartel rivals and random people for money and drugs, which he started doing at age 11. Lugo's sentence was the maximum available given his age.

The Telegraph today reports that beer sales in Britain have dropped 9.8 percent between April and June of this year, and the same time last year. That's the biggest dip in sales in 14 years. So, why are beer sales plummeting? The paper assigns blame to the outrageous taxes imposed on brewers, a 35.4 percent rise in duties since March 2008, but it failed to include another factor — cocaine has never been cheaper!

In your balmy Monday media column: the ethics of getting journalistically blazed are debated, the WSJ yes-persons defend their hefty salaries, a Sudanese journalist is jailed, AOL's sales chief is out, the NYT chronicled, and no one trusts the media.

Police in Bridgeport, Connecticut have arrested 29-year-old Juliette Dunn after she was seen making her 4-year-old son chug a 40-ounce of Steel Reserve at a playground. Witnesses said that she called her son an alcoholic afterward. Oh, and her 10-month-old baby girl tested positive for cocaine.

Fish lead! Sperm coats! Bald hair! Tall cancer! Dissolving tobacco! Tortoise leg! Calorie counts! Lung damage! And the fatalistic approach to our own mortality! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your heath—soberly!

Look to your left. Look to your right. Both of those people are in jail. And so are you, because of something you did while drunk. This is because so many people are binge drinking now, I bet.

Football brain! Marijuana narcs! Mosquito booze! Grandparents driving! Children sleeping! Teens drinking! Pediatricians lecturing! Big forks! And killer homemade drinks that kill! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—no-nonsensically!

Have you ever wondered what it's like to cook meth with an armed Hells Angel named California Sack? Let this ex-con and former Aryan Brother, who once made $4 million in a year cooking and selling ice, explain:

Are you facing drug possession charges? Here's a possible defense: "hey, so, uh ... I forgot about those drugs, therefore I didn't really possess those drugs, see?" Cannabis club worker Eric Meoli tried this one out in a San Francisco courtroom recently, and it actually worked!

Everyone knows that injecting little kids with botox is bad, but what about injecting little kids with heroin? Yes, that is also a parenting "no-no," as alleged heroin dad Jose Paul Velasquez Jr. can tell you, possibly from jail.

Charlie Gilmour, the son of Pink Floyd guitarist Dave Gilmour, was sentenced to 16 months in jail today for attacking a royal Jaguar that was part of Prince Charles and Camilla's motorcade during a student riot in London last year. The riot resulted in the best photograph of British royals ever (above). The court watched video from the attack, where Gilmour yelled: