A totally lame California court has denied a man's simple request to change his name to "NJweedman.com". What the hell? Is this the United States of America or Stalin's Russia!?

A New Mexico woman wants her local county government to pay the $1,122 hospital bill she received after undergoing a forcible body cavity search, which she did on the orders of her local Metro Narcotics Agency. Why might her position be justified?

Just like everything else in America, our thriving heroin industry has gone corporate and lost its edge. Today's smack-dealing "associate" works in the suburbs, toils long hours, and puts up with coworkers' kids. Might as well work at a start-up, or a bank.

Cal State San Bernardino associate professor Stephen Kinzey not only taught kinesiology, but he was allegedly the leader of a meth-selling biker gang, the Devils Diciples. The Los Angeles Times reports that an arrest warrant is out for Kinzey after police raided his home and found all sorts of goodies. And while we say allegedly, this guy's exteme goatee kind of gives him away. But still, this is pretty crazy:

"Look at that plate of brownies sitting over there by the laser printer. Who would do that? Who would leave a whole plate of delicious, gooey, chocolate fudge brownies by the laser printer, and force me to stare temptation square in the eyes like that? I bet Kathleen from marketing brought those in. I shouldn't have one. Don't do it. But they do look good! Oh fine, maybe a quarter brownie, just to satisfy the craving. Wow. I ate two brownies. Piggie. They weren't even that great. [45 minutes pass.] Why am I laughing? Do I have something on my face? I feel like I have ladybugs all over my face. I never actually noticed this before, but the VP of Sales looks exactly like a Latino stegosaurus. What am I even talking about? Why do my hands suddenly feel as heavy as bowling balls? You're freaking me out! Stop it! Wait — you're me! When did I start staring at myself in the bathroom mirror?! Just walk back to your desk and get through. This. Day."

Legendary cross-dressing Jamaican drug lord Christopher "Dudus" Coke, who was extradited to New York after setting off a bloody neighborhood drug war in Jamaica, yesterday pleaded guilty to racketeering charges and now faces just 23 years in jail instead of a possible life sentence for a lifetime's worth of scumbaggery. We'll probably never know more about the pink wig.

It's pretty easy to spot German tourists in Las Vegas, as they're usually the ones in socks and sandals occupying the buffet lines at the Paris. But one recent German visitor to America's vice capital left with a bellyful of something else entirely: blow.

A city councilman and former mayor of Fort Bragg, California was gunned down while investigating a report of an illegal drug farm there. This won't help Mendocino County's reputation as among the mellowest of narco-hubs.

The Obama administration picked a quiet late-summer day to finally remove acting ATF director Kenneth Melson over the botched "Fast and Furious" operation that ultimately put assault rifles into the hands of criminals along the border. Melson wasn't fired though — merely relocated to a new Justice Department job. This is a great "win" for the NRA!

Remember the Great Columbia University Frat Boy Drug Bust of 2010? Frat boy cocaine kingpin Harrison David is heading to Rikers Island: He turned himself in today to serve six months in jail, followed by five years of probation. With good behavior and time served (his plastic surgeon father refused to bail him out for two weeks after the arrest) the 20-year-old will likely serve three and a half months.

28-year-old Dartmouth grad student Randy Lamberghts was arrested for attempting to manufacture meth in his apartment. He was a chemistry major, if you can believe it.

Jere Melo, a former mayor and current city councilman in Fort Bragg, California, was shot and killed last Saturday while he was out investigating reports of a weed-growing operation in the forests surrounding his town (Melo also worked for a timber company.) The main suspect in the case: Aaron Bassler (pictured), local crazy person. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

The AP reports that "two dozen gunmen" stormed the Casino Royale in Monterrey, Mexico, doused it in a flammable liquid, and set it ablaze. It's claimed 32 lives so far. We'll go out on a limb and call this drug-related.

Summer flies by too fast. One second you're sweating on the front porch, watching neighborhood kids skip through open fire hydrants and eating soft serve cones covered in heroin-strength prescription painkillers — the next, it's Labor Day, your white pants are useless for another eight months, and the Staten Island ice cream guy is doing three-and-a-half:

Hey, remember that report from earlier in the summer about a veterinary de-worming agent called levamisole that South American drug traffickers were using to cut their cocaine with, that had an unfortunate side-effect in humans which caused them to develop "patches of blackened, dying skin on the ears, face, trunk or extremities?" Well, turns out that's a real thing! And not, like, some elaborate government propaganda campaign dreamed up by Nancy Reagan on a set visit to Diff'rent Strokes back in 1983.

Listen up, poors: important "news you can use" about how the government will take your children away from you, for some bullshit. They can't technically take your kids away just for being poor, but god forbid you smoke a spliff.

A young man in Tennessee is facing criminal charges after he had to be Lifeflighted off the highway for treatment of gunshot wounds. No, he wasn't involved in a road rage shootout. 23-year-old Justin Newberry accidentally shot himself in both legs after his handgun, The Judge, slid out from under his seat while he was driving. Newberry grabbed The Judge by its trigger. Oh, and cops found weed, paraphernalia and fake IDs in the car. Ahh... there's nothing quite like being 23, high as fuck, armed and driving.

Times Square has cleaned up a lot over the last 20 years or so! But there's still no better place on earth to die with drugs in your pocket. Especially if you're the pastor of a huge church in Florida.

A Mexican drug kingpin who left behind a trail of 600 bodies, many of them dismembered and decapitated, has been arrested. Oscar Garcia, 36, was the leader of The Hand with Eyes — a brutal drug gang responsible for bringing the extreme drug-war violence typically found in northern Mexico into Mexico City and its suburbs.

Earlier this year, aerial photos of a newly discovered tribe living in Brazil's Amazon rainforest electrified the internet. Now that entire tribe, numbering around 200, has gone missing—and a panicking Brazilian government fears that cocaine smugglers are to blame.