We have been overcome today by a tidal wave of sympathy for everyone's favorite non-silly-voiced summer superhero Robert Downey Jr., who just can't seem to catch a break on his Tropic Thunder press junket. No sooner had he been ambushed by a rogue reporter from the I'm A Drunken Stoned Moron Entertainment News Syndicate, he then came face to face with E!'s Debbie Matenopoulos.At least the other guy gave multiple-choice options for his idiotic, "Who'd you rather divorce/skullfuck/play-Halo 3-with?" line of questioning. Matenopolous, on the other hand, seems perfectly happy to just let random keywords drawn from the press materials hang in the air, strung together festively by a string of ellipses: "Vietnam...clearly...how did this happen?...genius...Oscar...[chuckle]...Avengers...Stiller...Chaplin?" Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to shoot some smack between our toes. If we're going to nod off, we might as well enjoy the experience.

Following a 5.4 earthquake that dealt most of its damage to people's Facebook status updates ("Jim is: EARTHQUAKE!"), it was only natural to wonder how the tremor might have affected the city's old, its infirm, and its Big Brother 10 residents. Fortunately, the Hollywood Reporter can help us out on at least one of those fronts: its video update reveals that the Big Brother houseguests bypassed the "Is that a truck? Oh, wait..." stage experienced by most Los Angelenos, instead rushing out into the backyard to doff their clothes and trade "Omigawds." Video after the jump.Click to view

It’s always a hoot when you show up to an audition thinking you’re just trying out for another straight-to-DVD horror remake, only to find out afterwards that you just emoted all your talents in front of a titan of the porn industry. In yet another display of complete parental ignorance, Dina Lohan’s decision to send Lindsay-wannabe Ali on a journey to score a part in Troll in this weekend’s season finale of Living Lohan was kind of equivalent to sending your 14-year old daughter on a read-through of Bun Busters 13 or Breast Wishes 15. Yes, Ali’s eager efforts to make it big in showbiz has officially included a smiley “nerve-wracking” experience reciting classic lines like “Ratburgers!” in front of the multi-colored hair piece-topped Peter Davy, responsible for discovering gangbang queen Houston, among many other hardcore accomplishments. The clip, including Ali's stomach-tightening attempt to impress the porn industry professionals, after the jump.We, just like most of you, watched the Sunday finale of Dina’s pet project somewhat naïvely, unsuspecting of any cameos by canonized porn producers or guest spots made by directors intending on using Ali’s potential role into a “private instruction” on how to turn an otherwise innocuous ‘80s film remake into a “delicious” and sexy flick made magical by “people in China.” While the Troll director’s instructions guide Ali through much of the embarrassing audition, we have a sneaking suspicion that Davy’s presence is to blame for the wee Lohan’s need to imitate the “acrobatic” lead’s performance as Eunice, the “guardian against dark magic,” by imagining the casting room’s crew of greasy-haired Skinematic and Blowtime veterans are “really big movie people.” Typically, we await tomorrow, when Dina releases a statement denying Ali was ever in such a room whatsoever, and that any footage documenting the fact that she was were created by vicious haters is pure “bull doodie.”

We don’t know whether to cry tears of sadness or sweet relief, but last night brought us the heartbreaking season finale of Dina Lohan’s dream come true: the Lindsay-free joy ride through the one of the most frightening TV family’s household that was Living Lohan. And despite all Dina’s efforts to convince us we should be happy for little 14-year old Ali and her double whammy of career success stories featured in this episode, the last few months have taught us that a role in the Troll remake and a single that makes our ears bleed do not necessarily a superstar make. But, as we’ve learned throughout the season, no matter how small these sad triumphs, if it weren’t for Dina and her never-ending flow of parental lessons, Ali would still just be some normal teenager allowed to go to the mall with friends and shop, instead of Dina's way of remaining the Mother Of The Century:1) Guarantee Daughter Flops An Audition By Giving Her The Script The Day Before! As we noted a while back, Ali is reportedly slated to appear in the “Worst Movie Ever Made,” a remake of cheap horror dramedy Troll. And though it’s quite obvious to everyone else that the producers are intent on casting a Lohan to get their movie some publicity, Dina manages to make the situation as difficult as possible by handing her the script one day before her audition. But we can’t really argue with this nugget of wisdom: “If you’re a really good director, you will know and you will see if someone has talent whether they know the lines or don’t know the lines.” 2) Show Support During Said Audition By Telling Daughter, "You Don’t Need Mommy"! After noting how scary it can be for someone like Ali, who doesn’t exactly have the most mature parents in the world, to meet real-live “adults,” Dina responds to her tween’s meager request for assistance during the meeting with the flick’s director by telling her, “You don’t need mommy.” Way to bolster her chances for an inevitable estrangement “just like Lindsay!” And that's a wrap! While we have yet to learn whether or not they'll be a Season Two of Living Lohan, one thing is certain — whether or not Ali succeeds in her career, Dina will surely find a way to continue to keep her name in the news. After all, isn't that what living Lohan is all about?

At long last, Dina Lohan has figured out a way to put all those rumors about her fictional former career as a Rockette to rest. In a clever and trademark bout of not-so-subtle child manipulation, Dina arranges for the always-bored Cody to publicize her very own Vegas show starring Dina, her jazz hands, and a pair of leggings that look suspiciously like a knock-off of Lindsay's blow job-ready version. With Ali’s career at its inevitable standstill, Dina decided to show her little ones how a real stage star gets the job done: con your child into playing PR boy for your otherwise blip on glitter-dusted Vegas' star-studded radar, and feign shock and scorn for the cameras after Cody's adorable promotional fliers are hung all over town. And still, amidst all the excitement of Dina’s return to solo stardom, we viewers learned yet another essential trifecta of lessons on how to belittle your son, blow off pony-tailed Carlos Leon-wannabes who just want a piece of your delicious ass and, of course, dance like it’s 1989:

· It's hard for us to fathom what it would be like to be 13 years old and related to Denise Richards. On one hand, holy hot aunt! On the other hand, there's moments like this, when Aunt Denise forces you into a conversation about her on-camera romps with Neve Campbell and the time she posed for Playboy. Awkward! [E!]

· Long-time rivals Jeffrey Wells and David Poland bury the hatchet long enough for Wells to wish Poland congratulations on getting married over the weekend. Well, sort of. [Hollywood Elsewhere]

· Either Katie Holmes and daughter Suri just got back from a Parisian bistro or they've got a big interview lined up at Foot Locker tomorrow. [ONTD]

· Videogum said it best, so we'll quote them: "Has Batman ever danced with the Batman in the pale moon light?" The answer is, unsurprisingly, yes. [Videogum]

· Adrian Grenier will surely "blank" the "blank" out of whatever club is willing to pay him $50,000 for the honors of hosting his upcoming birthday party. [Page Six]

Last night’s Living Lohan was all about Ali and her glass-breaking array of vocal talents. The happy family, which is somehow shrinking and growing simultaneously every day now, is still taking Las Vegas by storm as each member’s collective talents go into creating International Superstar-Turned-Trainwreck number two. Little Cody helps out by distracting Dina with adolescent silliness like concussions and that all-too-common need to be “loved,” Ali helps broaden the franchise by doing her best Daddy Left Us And I’m Gonna Record My Angst- And Nicotine-Laced Breakdowns For You! rehashing of Lindsay’s already perfected musical adventures, and Dina grants us with another round of must-have parenting lessons:

Last night's episode of Living Lohan was filled to the brim with heartbreak. Emotions, both minutely real and highly fake, were on display for the cameras. The actual sound of Dina's skin cracking as her now-infamous crocodile tears struggled to liquefy was audible. And, as every Dina-phile knows, each opportunity to feign care for her cherished cash cow kids brings another lesson from the one and only Mother of the Century. After watching Dina and her brood prepare for a wild 'n crazy trip to Las Vegas that may or may not be ruined by lovable lush/I Know Who Killed Me fan Nana Lohan, Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer plucked three classic family values as illustrated by Dina herself:

Sometimes two stories will come along on the very same day and reaffirm one of the oldest Hollywood clichés in history. Namely, that babe magnetism can be yours even if you don't possess looks, charm or gentlemanly ways. Provided, of course, that you have either money or music cred. With that in mind, we'd like to call your attention to two fantasy-worthy catfights brewing today. All kinds of manicured claws are out over the 80-year old borderline polygamist Hugh Hefner and the scraggly rock star Richie Sambora. Why four sets of fake boobs are rubbing up against each other (as Kate Hudson’s baby boy would say) and which contenders are looking like the early “winners” of the ongoing squabbles, after the jump.

Apparently Denise Richards' life of collecting alimony and contemplating posing for Playboy is so busy that she requires a full staff to function. In this week's episode of It's Complicated, she upbraids her two warring assistants about some clothes she had borrowed that were supposed to be returned but hadn't. To Denise, it's an issue of integrity. Much to our surprise, she managed to utter the word "integrity" without being struck by lightning.

As we’ve learned on our first few voyages into the Living Lohan household, where Dina Lohan knows best and familial ties do not exempt you from abiding by her all-knowing wrath, the multi-tasking Momager extraordinaire proved her managerial skills outstandingly in last night’s episode. The Other Lohan, the surfer-haired preteen brother whose dismal fate has been shoved to the side the more worried and concerned we become following rising rap star Ali’s increasingly deafening fits of rage, had his first shot at some real camera time during this episode. And despite Dina’s obvious disinterest in her son’s career prospects (that is, until he hits puberty and his marketing appeal among tweenybop girls increases exponentially), the queen of the house does find time to throw cash at the problem. Low-prioritized Cody-centric tasks include hiring a token age-equivalent friend, halfheartedly attempting to include him in yet another Ali photo spread, and feigning concern for all three moneymakers children during whiny, crocodile tear-filled cries for help aimed at Tough Love Lohan grandmatriarch, Ann Sullivan. Our picks for Dina’s three most inspiring parenting lessons from last evening’s half-hour are:

In our second edition of Living Lohan’s most valuable lessons as taught by Professor Dina, we couldn’t help being distracted by our studies in good parenting by upcoming rapper Ali’s sudden, unexpected and quite exciting new personality. Did the former zombie-ish little Lohan really just throw a fit? Yell at the almighty Dina? As captivated as we were by this week’s tips from Dina, lovingly crafted by Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer, we must note our newfound appreciation for this screaming version of little Ali. It’s like, we can’t put our finger on how exactly she’s changed but, oh wait! Yes, she’s showing her very first signs of Becoming Lindsay. Finally, the process begins. With that, we present three rules of manicured thumb we learned from the big D last night:

Here we go again! VH1 (who else?) has just greenlit Scream Queens, a reality show in which 10 unknown actresses desperate to be the next Jamie Lee Curtis or Janet Leigh will compete for a starring role in an upcoming “major” Lionsgate film. And boy are they excited — one Lionsgate rep tells THR that “discovering new talent is always exciting,” while another chimes in by teaching us that “VH1 has had a tremendous track record in launching alternative programming that captures viewers' imaginations.” Yes, yes it does! Our brains have been expanded by Viacom's ongoing carnival featuring women degrading themselves in hot tubs and music execs attempting to Make A Band, Any Band Will Do quarter after quarter. But with a reputable horror studio behind Scream Queens and the fact that scary movies have launched more than a few major careers, this one may put its You’re The One That I Want and It Factor predecessors to shame. We look back at five recent Next Big Thing reality shows in an effort to place our bets:

In case you hadn't heard, momager extraordinaire Dina Lohan's new reality show was sadly slammed in the ratings by Sheen Sperm-aversive blabbermouth Denise Richards in the ratings. But before weeping for the runner-up, don't forget: Dina still officially wears the crown of Mother of the Year! They gave her a trophy and everything! Yes, "they" are a group of cleavage-baring Long Island moms with fake tans and nails as long as their list of ex-husbands, but a title is a title. Which is why Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer has put together a rather inspiring series of moments from last night's second episode, in which we learn three very important lessons on parenting from, that's right, the Mother of the Year. Our favorite and most valuable parenting rules as taught to us by Dina herself:

Are you related to someone famous who doesn’t really speak to you anymore? Do you have a dreadfully boring home life and children you constantly ignore? Have you collected an obscene number of pets, which constantly crap all over your house? Then you should call E! because that’s exactly what they’re into nowadays. On a day meant to honor the heroes who have protected our country, last night’s series premieres of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated and Living Lohan showed just how little there is left to protect.

We rarely take a moment to thank E!'s Department of Reality-Based Famewhoring Enterprises for the excellent work they do, giving the egregiously underpublicized—everyone from the Kardashian girls to Denise Richards—a weekly hour to, well, just be. So, thanks! But with Living Lohan (why does that title remind us of a disease-awareness billboard campaign? "I've been Living Lohan for 7 years now, but Lohan isn't living me,") they've truly outdone themselves, giving Dina Lohan the vehicle we know she's wanted and deserved all along. In this preview clip, the celebrity momabler is captured in medias crisis-control, berating an online tabloid concern for publishing blurry photos of her most successful accomplishment in a compromising, probably accurate situation; watching this fierce tigress protect her largely unemployable, fur-coat-swiping cubs is truly a sight to behold.

· Get ready for the summer of exploitation on E! If Denise Richards or Dating Nightmares doesn't do it for ya, might we interest you in the White Oprah and her fame-starved daughter Ali? Nothing warms our cockles like the sight of a table full of sycophantic slags toasting a 14-year-old's non-existant career with champagne! [E!]
· What better way to honor Bea Arthur on her birthday than by counting down her 10 best moments? [BWE]
· Videogum is on the hunt for TWMOAT. What's that, you ask? The Worst Movie Of All-Time, natch. [Videogum]
· While the hot Muppet meme of the moment seems to be Sad Kermit singing "Needle In The Hay", we here at Defamer HQ vastly prefer Miss Piggy's tribute to "Fuck The Pain Away." [YouTube via Fimoculous]
· Larry Levine, the recording engineer who helped bring Phil Spector's "Wall Of Sound" to life, passed away at the age of 80. Roll down your windows and play The Ronettes' "Be My Baby" extra loud tonight in his honor. [LAT]

It seems like only yesterday our souls smoldered with the consideration of E!'s Going Postal: 15 Most Shocking Acts of Violence, which featured such eye-popping entertainments as Columbine video footage and Virginia Tech massacre flashbacks interwoven with frequent teases for The Soup and E! News. We could hardly wait for the phenomenon to return — say, with something like ROFL: America's Most Heinous Animal Abuse or maybe the rollicking Joel McHale special Molestered. We'll settle, however, for this Friday's ambitious premiere THS Investigates: Dating Nightmares:

From the network that brought you such essential Hollywood lifestyle viewing as Hangin' With the Kardashians As They Talk About Makeup in Their Money-Laundering-Front Dress Shop comes a new reality series that should prove to be no less compelling. In this preview for E!'s Denise Richards: It's Complicated (original title: A Shot at Love with Denise Richards and Her Two Demi-Orphans As a Result of their Sex-Addict Father Running Off to Follow His Cheerleader Orgy Dreams and Falling For the Trampy Love of His Life in the Process), Richards discovers her page on celebrity STD-transmission tracker whosdatedwho.com, and is forced to address some of the questionable life choices she's made.

In a weirdly media-critical kind of way, it doesn't take long to connect E!'s mission of 24/7 pop culture to this Friday's ill-advised countdown entitled ... God, we can barely write it: Going Postal: 15 Most Shocking Acts of Violence. After all, the news is the longest-running reality show of all, and if OJ Simpson, Phil Spector and Co. are more famous as accused murderers than they are for their respective professional triumphs, then the celebritizing of honest-to-goodness mass murderers — not in CourtTV, true-crime style, but rather between episodes of E! News and The Soup — seems the logical next step in the ever-entertaining canon of watching real innocent people die. Right?