Tonight, E! aired Maxim's Hottest Moments of 2009. Coming in at Number 3: McSteamy vs. Gawker, in the tale of the sex tape that never was. Watch the full segment after the jump.

Look everyone! This guy who is going to be a contestant on upcoming reality show Conveyor Belt of Love was in gay porn! Ugh, this has become so commonplace it's boring. Now these genres go hand in hand.

Kari Ann Peniche, whose naked playtime with Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart we posted last week is going on E! to talk about the scandal. Meanwhile, her bosom bathing buddies hit the road to get out of the paparazzi's eye.

The Gosselins: turning into the Clampetts. Robert Pattinson's going to star in my new movie, playing me. Leno pays tribute to The Jews. Julia Roberts and Eat, Prey, Love get grilled by the Hindus. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

E! recently conducted an online reader poll and a resounding 94% of voters wanted to get over-exposed reality blobs banned from coverage. And the network is going to oblige for Heidi and Spencer, and nobody else.

Barbara Walters sending Twitter messages as she gets her hair shampooed is a sign of the Apocalypse. Run for the hills, kids — but make sure to get a frosty caffeinated beverage before you do!

Were you under the assumption that the recession would finally put an end to those annoying shows narrated by men with English accents who spend an hour listing off the ridiculous items that celebrities have purchased (or, oftentimes, received for free in exchange for the publicity)? Those Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous imitations don't seem to be disappearing, at least judging by Forbes' ad campaign for its upcoming "Most Expensive" special on E! (We're guessing "Most Expensive Crap No One Can Afford Anymore" didn't have much appeal with E!'s advertisers.) But at least the designer responsible for adding that "bling" text effect still has a job!

Having had to evacuate Anna Nicole Smith's Coldwater Canyon residence after a freak cotton-candy-machine accident swept the home up in a cyclone of flossy, pink destruction, beleaguered babydaddy Larry Birkhead is left to pick up the pieces. For starters, that means taking work where he can find it—and in this dire economic environment, there just aren't many openings for 1-year-old-baby party planners. So Birkhead has relented and agreed to take the questionable step of laying bare his life, and the life of daughter Dannielynn, for the E! reality cameras.He justifies his rationale in the ET interview above, though we don't really see why he feels the need to. It's the next logical step for young Dannielynn, who made her TV debut at age 0 being pried out of her mother via C-section, and who now closes the Circle of Reality Show life on the very same network that pushed her mother's career to the next level. We mean—what's the worst that could happen, right? [ET Online]

E!gads: Two months ago, we learned that Denise Richards: It's Complicated had been karmically snuffed in its crib, only to have Richards herself announce a month later that it hadn't (hey, no takebacks!). Still, we were skeptical, as no official announcement had yet come from E!, and that Richards? Kinda shady! Now, though, we have bad news: The network confirmed today that It's Complicated will indeed be returning. No word, yet, on whether the hair extension budget will be upped for the second season. [Us]

The 60th Annual Prime Time Emmy Awards are here! Aren't you watching? Not the stupid daytime stuff, but Prime Time, where the money gets spent! E!'s red carpet extravaganza just got underway, and Jimmy Kimmel's pre-game show starts on ABC at 7:00. So, for all of those who want to share the merry—and make fun of people's clothing and bad one-liners—please come on in!

Didn't we almost have it all, America? Why, it was just a few weeks ago when we learned that E! had mercy-killed its celeb reality show Denise Richards: It's Complicated, leading to cheers, emailed hugs, and exultant praise to God around the blogosphere. "Just when I think there's no redeeming the entertainment industry as a whole," said one of our commenters, "somebody makes a smart move like cancelling this famewhore's piece of crap show, and I start to see a little glimmer of light on the horizon." Get ready to bust out some candles, everybody: that glimmer's gettin' snuffed! According to Us Weekly:

Click to viewBoomp3.com Even though the economy is in shambles and Texans are just starting to recover from the devastating effects of Hurricane Ike over the weekend, there is no force of nature that will keep Kim Kardashian and her family from getting out the word about her upcoming run on Dancing With The Stars. Kris Kardashian-Jenner, the selfless head of the Kardashian-Jenner clan, felt it was very important for her family to get out the message about voting. Mrs. Kardashian-Jenner said, “This is the single most important decision facing the American people right now. We have to keep my darling Kimmy on that show for the next three months. I mean, everybody loves Kim. So, it shouldn’t be a problem, but everybody needs to get out there and vote!” [Photo Credit: Flynet] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

As Sunset Tans' famed Olly Girls continue their important work somewhere in our solar system—we think they're currently colonizing the first tanning studios on Mars—we thought we'd check in with some of the E!-documented bronzing franchise's earthbound bulb-bunnies. Attendant Amber Peterson, for example, currently manning the beds at their Las Vegas oupost, couldn't be more excited about her obsessively documented date with a certain superstar Olympic gold medalist—and here's a hint: it's not female weightlifting champion Prapawadee Jaroenrattanatarakoon of Thailand. It's Michael Phelps!

In the eternal battle between exes Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, the latter has just been dealt a significant setback. Though Sheen pulls down a nigh-unbeatable $800,000 for every episode of Two and a Half Men, Richards could at least boast a buzzed-about, cringe-inducing E! reality show, Denise Richards: It's Complicated. Now, according to the New York Post, she may not even have that feather in her cap anymore — it appears that the show has been cancelled.

If you're one of those people who still resist the tractor-beam allure of Ryan Seacrest, we strongly encourage you to just relax and submit. We'll admit—there was a time when we didn't really get it, either. Who was this peroxided munchkin, and why was he being beamed into our subconscious eleven times a week by the shadowy forces of the karoake-industrial complex? But once we let his stardust coat us like a really expensive hair-product, life became so much easier, happier, Seacrestier. His effortlessly upbeat and lightly compassionate air, his ability to identify ladies' shoes not just by designer but by season and model number, the comforting thought that even David Archuleta could take him in a best-out-of-five arm wrestling competition: It all just worked, dare we say to the betterment of society as a whole.You scoff, but think about it. Where were we before he was hatched in a Merv Griffin-underwritten research laboratory somewhere on the NM/AZ border? No, not wealthier in every sense of the word and filled with boundless hope for the future! We were utterly Seacrestless—set adrift on an open red carpet landscape, without a clue as to how to best conduct a Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna interview at the Daytime Emmys without seeming as though we were just biding time until Joy Behar made her way down the press line. So begrudge Ryan not when you read that his ever-expanding empire is expanding some more. Seacrest is more than just a sublime inevitability. He's the mold for a new breed entirely: The mogulsexual, that flawlessly manicured Captain of New Industry, whose blind commitment to embodying all other annoying urban-male neologisms resulted in the steady accumulation of mind-boggling levels of wealth, power, and fame. You don't hate Ryan Seacrest. You want to be Ryan Seacrest. Defamer, out.

While there is very little dignity in being one of three girls repeatedly porked by a doddering 82 year old, The Girls Next Door have managed to do quite well for themselves. Not only do they have a certified hit television show on their hands (Season Five on its way!), but Holly, Kendra and Bridget have also made appearances on Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Scary Movie 4 (not to mention Kendra's recent appearance on the front page of the Wall Street Journal). Despite all of their career successes, it seems that the girls are chomping at the bit for a chance to stretch their acting muscles more than most of their extended cameos call for.For instance, this week's episode begins with the girls gathering together for an impromptu table read of the script for House Bunny, the soon-to-be-released Anna Faris vehicle. After pouring through the script, not only do they find out that their appearance is limited to a single page (Page 78, if you must know), but they also bemoan the fact that they've been reduced to bantering about such silly topics as whipped cream drenched pillow fights. Don't worry, ladies; when Brett Ratner finally decides to get onboard with the project he was born to direct, there'll be plenty of time to sleep your way into a role playing someone other than yourself (so long as it's still a Bunny).

· Leah Remini is in talks to join the daytime TV circuit with a new series "not necessarily thinking along the lines of a traditional talk show." Details are tight, but rumors of a home-shopping/variety hour—in which you can call in your orders for Pea-Org Vitamin-Enriched Pureed Baby Delight™ while delighting to the musical comedy stylings of Martin Short—sound promising. [THR] · The State's Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter will star in Comedy Central's Michael and Michael Have Issues, a comedy sketch show. [THR] · Savor that LAT hard-edition. Tribune reports a...*spittake*...$4.5 billion dollar loss. [Variety] · E! has hired former New Line TV exec Beth Greenwald as their VP of original programming and series development, where she'll oversee a whole new slate of reality shows about the lives of fame-hungry hydras, including the exciting Living Jackie Stallone. [Variety] · Sid Ganis has been re-elected president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, ensuring you a lengthy and satisfying pee-break at this year's Oscars. [Variety]

When we last checked in with Sunset Tan's paragons of peroxide, The Olly Girls, they were in the process of being shitcanned from their jobs at the most prestigious tanning salon ever shown on basic cable television. But as the old saying goes, time second season storyboarding sessions heal all wounds. Or do they? After wearing Pauly Shore's patience thin and subsequently being fired from their positions as his bikini-clad housecleaning staff, Holly and Molly —or is it Molly and Holly?— decided to band together in an attempt to win over the leathery overlords who control the business that made them (marginally) famous last year, Jeff and Devin. Rather than going the Al Gore route and pulling together a PowerPoint presentation to showcase the value they can add to the business, the ditzy duo decided the best approach to getting their prestigious jobs as Sales Associates In Training back would be to break out their Crayola markers and start plotting out the X and Y axes on what they called their Happiness Chart. Talk about thinking outside of the bun!While we won't know until next week whether or not The Ollys were successful in their attempt to reclaim their rightful positions as the ultraviolet heirs to the Sunset Tan empire, we're fairly certain that the E! Network's promotional Olly blitz — see their Battle Of The Basic Cable Stars competition video below — means that good things are in store for the blonde bobbleheads. After all, there is only one thing that's more important to the team that runs Sunset Tan than moving a few extra cases of Banana Boat: getting renewed for Season Three. Click to view

· We spotted this juicy little nugget of gossip just moments before last night's episode of Chelsea Lately aired on E! last night. One of the show's staffers maintains a Tumblr called C'est L.A. Vie, in which she often details the mundane things that happen on the show. Yesterday, all that changed when she alleged that someone who was wired with a hot mic was caught doing coke on set. Our handy video clip runs down the list of all the on-camera guests last night's episode; leave your guesses (and investigative rationale) in the comments! [C'est L.A. Vie]
· Our hearts just broke a little — scratch that, a LOT — when we read this anecdote about Life Goes On star Corky and his racist streak. This was a Wikipedia hoax; Corky doesn't see color. [Byron Crawford]
· Chuck Klosterman's latest Esquire column features a lengthy diatribe on Jennifer Love Hewitt's left femur ("Love Hewitt’s left thighbone strikes me as unusually long, and I feel like it lacks the convincing self-assurance of her right femur"), which he grades a B+. [Esquire]
· Ignore Lindsay Lohan's nipples for a second and, instead, focus on her mouth. Is she wearing braces? Grillz? Is she chewing tin foil? [Egotastic]
· And we know the day is almost over, but here are 88 ways you can enjoy 8/8/08. Our fave? "Call up Eddie Furlong and ask why there are 8 of him to a mile. Then, find out how he’s doing. Let us know." Guaranteed to be the best list until the 99 ways you can enjoy 9/9/09 comes out next year! [Best Week Ever]

There are certain universal truths about Hollywood agents: namely, that they never pick up your phone calls, deal with you mostly through their assistants, and always seem to be finding work for people who aren't you. Sadly, E! bobblehead Giuliana Rancic (who we last saw announcing the death of "Brad Redfro" while dressed in a somber tube top) has failed to grasp that last tenet — in fact, she's suing her agents at William Morris for having the audacity to focus on anyone but her. Says Page Six: