Having long ago abandoned The Olive Garden for the more refined culinary delights of, say, Applebee's, we've clearly missed the churning sexual undercurrents reinforcing the restaurant's starchy, salad-y, working-class appeal. But nothing gets past Kendra Wilkinson, one-third of Hugh Hefner's Girls Next Door, who infamously swears by not only the OG's quasi-Italian staples, but also the pure hormonal power of its female waitstaff. As such, Playboy is inviting the restaurant's sexiest servers to take orders in an upcoming pictorial. While we don't necessarily expect the chain's Hooters-ization to make our grandpa's 90th birthday dinner any less depressing, we heartily recommend following the jump to observe Wilkinson's classy video solicitation ("My food's getting cold, so I gotta fuckin' go") to tastefully doff those aprons. If Hef's as good a tipper as we hear, we may be filling out an application by this afternoon.

As much as we poke fun at Momager/Pimp Dina Lohan for her questionable parenting techniques and famewhore-y tactics to become just as cool and famous as her bankable daughter Lindsay, we secretly can't ignore the fact that having her as a mother might simply be loads of fun. Sure, you don't really have a role model, and you can't expect anyone to pick you up after school, but it's not like you go to school anyway! In Ali Lohan's case, you go to Las Vegas. MSNBC.com reports that Dina and Ali hit the strip to shoot scenes from their upcoming reality show Living Lohan and, from the sounds of it, had a grand ol' Britney Spears-in-garters kind of stay...

Pamela Anderson is planning yet another small-screen comeback, but this time she's throwing out the scripts and going the reality route. The E! network —where they hand out shows to just about anyone with a sextape (or that sleeps with the boss)— is set to debut the half-hour Pamela this summer. The tagline? "The real woman behind the famous breasts" [Ed. Note - We would've gone with "The real woman behind the fake breasts", but that's just us]. As loathsome as this sounds, it's admittedly preferable to watching Anderson attempt to act (remember Stacked?), especially if E!'s cameras where there to film Pammy's behavior at Hugh Hefner's 82nd birthday party the other night.

That Ashton Kutcher E! show Pop Fiction, where annoying celebrities like Eva Longoria and David Spade play tricks on the paparazzi to teach us all a lesson about reality and truth, is employing some marketing tactics that seem a bit antithetical to the show's mission. It seems that E! hired a PR firm called Cashmere Agency to spam gossip blog message boards with phony comments praising the show in a strange "young people" patois. The comments seemed to pop up arbitrarily on random blog posts, all featuring links to E!'s website and to YouTube clips of the "hella good," "absolutely brilliant" show that is a "genies idea." Spamming is certainly irritating, but what's worse is that it's coming from a professional PR company hired by a large television network. Why on earth did they think it would work? And worse still, the PR company, which targets "urban" youth, chooses to use terrible grammar, spelling, and syntax because, I guess, that's how funky, product-buying city kids do their jibber jabberin'. Fiction indeed. [Celebitchy via Best Week Ever] A sample of the comments after the jump.

If you've yet to catch an episode of E!'s Pap Smear Pop Fiction, yet another stroke of punking genius from ascending media tycoon and noted cougar-hunter Ashton Kutcher, we've included a clip above. In it, Eva Longoria, for whom fame has quickly turned into a serious drag (please, God, just return her to a life of anonymity, where she can carry out her various, regular-person functions in peace!), and a think-tank consisting of Kutcher and his staff of ingratiating "producers" concoct a deliciously devious plan to "rekindle the non-relationship" with Longoria's longtime platonic friend, Mario Lopez.

Ah, the magic of an E!-televised marriage. With all those millions thousands spent, viewers tuning in, and smile-forcing cameras around, how could the union of two C-list celebs like Giuliana DePandi and original Apprentice lackey Bill Rancic possibly go wrong? Giuliana's recent ring-less appearances on air makes her the latest "celebrity" under investigation by wedding ring detectors, leading some to speculate that the two have each booked a coach ticket direct to Splitsville:

Finally! Someone has the guts to stand up for the world's downtrodden hotel heiresses, whose only desire is that they be left to live their lives in peace, free from the flashbulb-popping scavengers of the celebrity media. That's what has emerged from the recent photos published just about everywhere—including here—of Paris Hilton, accompanied by what turns out was not her guru, but an actor hired to fool us into thinking as much by Ashton Kutcher's new prank series, Pop Fiction:

Ryan Seacrest, quite possibly the hardest-working man in showbiz now that James Brown has kicked the bucket, was a last-minute no-show for last night's E! coverage of the SAG Awards Red Carpet. Though co-anchor Giuliana DePandi Rancic did mention early on in her pre-show commentary that Seacrest was out "sick," this bit of news somehow didn't make its way into the West Coast feed (East Coast viewers did see the quick explanation). We have always been fascinated by Seacrest's seemingly unparalled ability to work nine different jobs simultaneously, so we figured that he must've been REALLY sick to miss the first star-studded red carpet gala of the season. However, our initial curiosity about the situation was renewed this morning when Seacrest showed up on time at KIIS-FM this morning for his radio show.

E! News watchers over the weekend were likely stunned and saddened to learn of Brad Redfro's untimely death: While host Giuliana Rancic deserves credit for giving the tragedy the solemnity it deserved, we can't help but feel their moving tribute to the talented young actor might have been slightly compromised by their inability to get his fucking name right.

OK, now the Golden Globes are really, truly, stick-them-in-the-ground-and- shovel-some-dirt-on-the-coffin dead: The E! network—whose 101 Most Awkward Red Carpet Moments Involving An Actress Being Taken Aback By Ryan Seacrest's Encyclopedic Knowledge Of High-End Women's Footwear clip-show special is a ratings winner even after years of reruns—can't even be bothered to dispatch its starving, celebrity-circling vultures to pick at whatever carrion-morsels are left on the event's bleached bones. And it gets worse:

· Even though the WGA strike might wipe out a significant portion of this so-far underwhelming Fall season, there's still some good news for TV: most shows have produced enough episodes that the Academy may not have to cancel the Emmys, an awards show that rivals the average picket line in thrills-per-minute even in years when it's not hampered by labor strife. [Variety]
· E! further fortifies its lineup of strike-proof programming by picking up a second season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, a show they can easily spin off into separate series following each member of the Hollywood's bustiest, semifamous family should the need for even more mindless schedule-filler arise. [THR]

Leave Britney Alone Guy, it seems, fundamentally misunderstands what is expected of him in exchange for the meteoric, disposable fame he's derived from those two minutes of carefully calculated YouTube histronics.

As Meredith Vieira approaches her first anniversary as co-host of "The Today Show," let's take a look back—way, way back!—to the beginning of her journalism career, courtesy of E!'s "True Hollywood Story" about Vieira 's former show, "The View."

First Us Weekly deemed Paris Hilton too annoying for its tender pages, and then today E! came to its senses and decided that bratty rich girls tainting the lives of innocents no longer sounded like good TV. Now, the jailbird heiress's grandfather is delivering a swift boot to her assets: Barron Hilton has allegedly yanked Paris's $60 million inheritance because, while he could tolerate a sex tape and the noxious aural assault that was her album, a prison stint was more than he could handle over his morning Ensure:

Even though we're painfully aware of how little reality is involved in the production of reality television, we're nonetheless a little saddened that a reader ruined Spray-Bronzer Christmas by forwarding us this casting notice revealing the people we'll eventually see wandering into "L.A.'s most successful upscale tanning salon" on E!'s Sunset Tan, each of whom will present a unique pigment-correction challenge for the show's aesthetic technicians. As entertaining as it might be to watch the Olly Girls climb a step-ladder to evenly distribute Too Tall's perfect copper topcoat, stoop to slather a little person in high-end cocoa butter, or bicker over to the best way to color-match a prosthesis and a tragic farmer's tan, the magic of the show is inevitably diminished by knowing all their quirky characters were just ordered from a casting agency's take-out menu.

Reports are pouring in about a bomb scare stopping traffic over on Wilshire Blvd, close to the headquarters of SAG and across the street from Variety and E! [Ed.note—Has anyone checked to make sure that Seacrest is safe?] A sampling of our nearby operatives' descriptions of the situation apparently created off by a mysterious briefcase left in front of Organic to Go:

· Maybe we're just fatigued from too much Hilton coverage, but does it seem like E! gave Paris an airbrushed rack as a going away present? Bonus: A Simple Life mugshot face-off!
· Headline begging for a bad one-liner that we're too lazy to provide: Pope To Be Named NBC Studio Head, Sources Say.
· We're pretty sure the reasons blogs were invented were to make sure it's as simple as possible to start an online feud with indie rockers who allegedly stole your basketball.
· Slow the Fuck Down, says angry Hancock Park sign-maker.
· LAist decries the inhumane conditions (i.e., exposure to Dane Cook) they were subjected to in the MTV Movie Awards Blogghetto.

If you find yourself wondering why that E!, Style Network, or G4 employee you really need to get in touch with this Friday afternoon isn't picking up his extension, don't panic: he's likely tied up with some very important keg-standing business on the Beer Floor of the First Annual Comcast Entertainment Group Crawl that will be raging at the CEG headquarters on Wilshire, a nice little tension-breaker that should help the company's employees blot out any unpleasant memories of the recent bomb scare at their headquarters with some free booze. Though it was supposed to be a surprise, staffers are already buzzing about the 10-foot ice luge CEO Ted Harbert will be personally operating in the lobby to kick off the event, sending shots of perfectly chilled Grey Goose rushing towards the gaping mouths of grateful underlings who are ready to take their Happy Hour revelry up a notch.

In the interest of achieving some measure of closure following the scare that necessitated a hasty evacuation of E!'s Wilshire Boulevard headquarters and temporarily brought the celebrity-fellating broadcasting giant to its already-bruised knees, we share the reassuring e-mail note awaiting the network's refugees upon their safe return to their cubicles:

Lost in the multiple earlier reports of Ryan Seacrest's thrilling, Aston Martin-aided escape from the bomb-threatened E! headquarters a little while ago (there is little doubt that the Idol producers would have been happy to see the whole building reduced to smoldering rubble if that meant their host made his rehearsal on time) is the fact that rank-and-file employees were apparently evacuated without incident (and without the benefit of luxurious escape pods). A reader submits this photo of the impromptu refugee camp forming in the office building's courtyard, which we're told will soon form a provisional government that will immediately dispatch foragers to cross Wilshire Boulevard and obtain food from the Koo Koo Roo before they're all forced to result to cannibalism.