And we would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling "urbans."

Nearly 70,000 Hancocks have already signed a We the People petition urging the Obama administration to allow Texas to "withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government," but the Lone Star State's governor Rick Perry is not among them.

Upset over the result of last week's presidential election, an Arizona woman ran over her husband with her car, believing him to be directly responsible for Obama's reelection because he didn't vote.

Looking to pass the time until happy hour? Why not spend the afternoon looking at Mitt Romney's Facebook likes free-falling in real-time?

An independent pro-wrestler from Indiana who received $15,000 in exchange for tattooing the Romney/Ryan logo on his face told Politico he had no regrets.

Appearing on Fox News Sunday to talk post-election politics, Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol informed the other members of his panel it was time to face reality and give the people what they want.

In the aftermath of last week's presidential election, residents in at least nineteen states have put up petitions on the government's "We the People" petitioning website seeking the right to secede from the rest of the country.

Brunching with your best friends is supposed to be the best part of your sad and hopeless existence, but sometimes, doing Sunday brunch is hard work. You will surely have to wait in a very long line. After finally getting seated, you will be given terrible service because the restaurant is just way too busy. These two things make the meal very long and you might run out of things to talk about very quickly. Use this cheat sheet and your friends might start calling you queen bloody mary.

BILL O'REILLY – "It's not a traditional America any more. And there are 50% of the voting public who want stuff. They want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama…"

The knock on American politics is that we don't have a legitimate third party. Which isn't to say the Greens and Libertarians don't have some great ideas; it's just that the most they can hope for is to peel votes from the respective Big Two party with similar ideologies. But sometimes you want to throw your vote away, and you want to do it in an attention-grabbing manner. Here are three candidates who didn't win their races, but made a loud statement that the two guys ahead of them are awful.

Some Americans are racist. We know this, though there's nothing quite like a black guy winning a national election to bring them out of the woodwork. The sheer volume of racist Tweets is disheartening, but can we learn anything from them?

According to the geography academics at Floating Sheep, the vast majority of racist tweets posted in the aftermath of President Obama's reelection came from Alabama, so it's of little surprise that a Dale County resident had few qualms about placing an Obama effigy on their front porch along with the sign "Pray 4 Assassin."

A presidential campaign is like senior year. It takes forever. You mentally check out about halfway through. Everyone gets sick of the jocks and the BMOC types. The hot women are all going out with exactly the WRONG guys. You eagerly anticipate never speaking to or hearing from almost all of these people ever again. And years later, everyone wakes up and realizes that the nerds secretly won.

A California woman who gained overnight infamy after posting a Facebook status update expressing a desire to see President Obama — whom she referred to as "the nigger" — assassinated during his second term in office remained defiant despite losing her job at Cold Stone Creamery and being brought to the attention of the Secret Service.

As we wrote last night, dead Englishman Charles Darwin received some 4,000 write-in votes in the race for Georgia's tenth congressional district, owing to the anti-science statements of his, uh, opponent, Republican Rep. Paul Broun. But Darwin wasn't the only write-in candidate! Local Athens publication Flagpole has a list of all the write-in candidates. And basically every single one would make a better candidate than Paul Broun, including, for example, "ANY NON-INSANE INDIVIDUAL":

On Wednesday night, the day after the president's re-election, Barack Obama paid a surprise visit to Chicago campaign headquarters. In the video, Obama is informal, uninhibited, and genuine as he thanks the staff and volunteers for their dedication and hard work. "It's not that you guys actually remind me of myself," he tells the group, "it's the fact that you are so much better than I was."

In a hotly contested Congressional race in Georgia, Charles Darwin, the father of evolutionary thought, was unable to beat Republican Paul Broun. Darwin, well known for suggesting that men landed on earth after being deported from the Planet of the Apes, failed to unseat the incumbent, who campaigned on an anti-science platform, and at times refused to acknowledge that air existed, since he was unable to see it.

Chris Christie, who is already being blamed by conservatives for costing Republicans the election with his refusal to be political during a time of crisis for his state, revealed to reporters today that he has yet to speak with Mitt Romney despite having already phoned President Obama to congratulate him on his reelection.

Maine and Maryland made history on election night by becoming the first states to legalize same-sex marriage by a popular vote.

Speaking with CBS News today, several unnamed aides and advisers to Mitt Romney said the presidential candidate knew he was headed for a loss as soon as the polls closed, but was stunned by the outcome nonetheless.