The race is still too close to call for Hillary or Bernie in the Michigan Democratic primary, where Donald Trump earlier tonight cruised to an easy win.

Donald Trump, purveyor of mediocre meats, is projected to win the Republican primaries in Mississippi and Michigan.

The Associated Press has projected Hillary Clinton to win the Democratic primary in Mississippi. According to exit polls, Clinton won nearly 9 out of 10 black voters.

Yesterday, Donald Trump released a video attempting to refute the fraud charges levied against the scam formerly known as Trump University. But rather than offer any real answers, Trump’s video only raises more questions. Specifically, why can’t purported billionaire Donald Trump afford better sound equipment?

Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign is currently in a scuffle with CNN. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Who started it? Will it matter? It won’t.

Michael Bloomberg is not running for president, he announced this afternoon. “Uh, o....kay?” you might say in response, but all reports indicated that Bloomberg was seriously considering running for president. He even commissioned a consulting firm to produce maps outlining his path to the White House, which have now been obtained by the New York Times. What the firm came up with has less of a basis in reality than even the most absurd thing that has ever occurred on House of Cards.

With a heavy heart, local technocrat Michael Bloomberg has “announced” that he will not seek the presidency—because he can’t risk what his independent campaign might end up doing to the country (and also because he would not win).

This weekend, an adult at a Donald Trump rally was briefly fed by hand, as one might do to small baby, unable to do much on its own.

Ted Cruz has a new theory: the American political media is in possession of “bombshell” stories about Donald Trump that could ruin him, but are choosing to not publish them for some reason. Ted, I’m here to tell you: we’ve got nothing, and we’re all really fucking freaked out about it.

Several of the early questions at the Democratic debate in Flint, Michigan, focused on the recent toxic water crisis in that city, and both candidates called for Governor Rick Snyder to resign. Snyder took the opportunity to register his objection to the implication that he might be responsible.

In tonight’s Democratic debate, citizens of Flint, Michigan have been asking the candidates questions that hit close to home—questions like, what can you do to promise us we won’t be poisoned, for instance. Which, for Hillary, meant swearing to get rid of every last bit of lead in the country in five years time.

Just minutes after the Democratic debate began in Flint, Michigan, on Sunday, the Associated Press called the Democratic presidential caucuses in Maine for Bernie Sanders. Sanders has won eight states thus far in the race for the Democratic nomination.

Ben Carson has finally admitted defeat, announcing Friday that he’ll abandon his presidential campaign to take a job with a Christian group dedicated to getting out the vote.

The word came in from our best-sourced Fox News Kremlinologists: Fox News had settled for Donald Trump. Roger Ailes had given up on the hapless Marco Rubio. Megyn Kelly was sounding conciliatory, granting that Trump appeared more and more presidential. Rupert Murdoch himself tweeted that the party would be “mad not to unify” around nominee Donald Trump. It worked: Donald Trump arrived, unsuspecting, for his ambush.

In about an hour, Donald Trump will step onto the debate stage in Detroit to loud applause and howling cheers. He will be the clear frontrunner and presumed nominee among the four Republicans onstage. He will also be admitting a mistake, even if tacitly so.

The video above is about five minutes worth of a glorified roast that lasted something like a half-hour and featured digression after digression—like, for example, an informal poll on who will be a better host of the The Apprentice, Trump or his handpicked successor Arnold Schwarzenegger, whom Trump also decided to indirectly humiliate in front of his audience, despite his being, you know, Trump’s handpicked successor.

Right now, the “Republican establishment” is busy wringing its hands over what can be done to stop Donald Trump. Do not be deceived. When the time comes, they will all fall in line with Donald Trump.

If Donald Trump Jr. had known that the radio host he was speaking to was pro-slavery, Bloomberg Politics reports, he would not have consented to the interview: “This is clearly the mainstream media trying to turn a story into nothing,” he said. Pardon?

Republicans are no longer in denial over Donald Trump’s hostile takeover of their party; how could they be? They are certainly angry—how could they not be?—but after Trump rolled through Super Tuesday practically unabated, the GOP establishment has entered the third stage of grief: bargaining.

Last night, softball superstar and failed presidential candidate Chris Christie, took a break from his regular red-faced bloviating to stand idly by as Donald Trump screamed at us about nothing. Throughout Trump’s entire speech, Chris Christie looks, objectively, like he is praying for death.