It's been a full decade since 90's sitcom staple Ellen did the nearly unthinkable, outing its star and protagonist to the world as co-stars Joely Fisher and a husky, pre-laser-depilated Jeremy Piven were left to pick up the lesbian-punchline pieces. The groundbreaking two-parter co-starred Laura Dern as Ellen's romantic interest. Sadly, their climactic liplock would also turn out to be the kiss of career death:
Pictured is Phil Spector, showing up today for the first day of his murder trial jury selection not, as was widely expected, dressed in his trademark Dollytor style, but instead debuting a brand new look—the brainchild of Spector's savvy legal team, who strategized that it would be better for him to present himself as a harmless lesbian talk show host than a guy who would press a gun against a woman's face for objecting to his ashing on her dog.
Thank God that John Travolta was on Ellen to let the world know what his upcoming Wild Hogs is really about; without the admirable honesty of this promotional appearance, potential ticket-buyers might have been fooled by conservative Disney's ad campaign marketing the film as just another slapsticky, City Slickers rip-off breeder-bonding comedy, but now they know that it's actually the story of four leather daddies' musical romp through the country's wildest S&M bars.
Busy readers bombarded by today's Oscar coverage hardly have the time to devote ten seconds to the information imparted by CNN.com's always helpful Story Highlights box, much less an entire article warning Middle America that a tuxedo-clad lesbian determined not to offend them will be hosting the show. With those attention-deficited people in mind, we further condense their bullet points into a more quickly digestible form:
Towleroad got a peek at the new issue of W, featuring Ellen DeGeneres on the cover looking glammier than usual, though her thumbs remain firmly lodged in her pockets. (You can wrap the tomboy in a turquoise shower curtain, the old saying goes, etc., etc.) This year's Oscars telecast host opens up about the label-envy she experiences every time she is passed over while her more femme lover is assaulted by the familiar Joan Rivers/Ryan Seacrest red carpet siren call, "Who are you wearing?"
Perhaps not wanting the last word in Grey's Anatomy FaggotGate (née ChokeGate, but no one cares about the Patrick Dempsey component anymore) to be Isaiah Washington's Golden Globes denial that he ever angrily uttered the slur that drove T.R. Knight from the closet or castmate Katherine Heigl's defiant offer to "throw down" on her offended best friend's behalf, Knight will make a stop on Ellen DeGeneres' couch today to officially call bullshit on Washington's version of the story. In the preview clip on the show's website, Knight unambiguously says, "He referred to me as a faggot...it's such an awesome word, isn't it?" Unfortunately for Knight, even this clarification of the controversy will probably provide Washington, so proud of not hiring a "great shiny publicist" to manage the controversy (that's right, "I love gay. I wanted to be gay. Please let me be gay." was all his), another ill-advised opportunity to explain himself; expect a statement from the actor later today finally admitting that he used the word, but that he meant it "only in the most awesome possible way."
Last week's round of Paula Abdul satellite interviews (we can't decide which we prefer: the perky Seattle duo who kill Abdul with kindness, knowing the longer they keep her there, the worse things will get, or the straightlaced San Francisco interviewer who can barely conceal his utter contempt for her every rocking, slurred, incoherent answer) called for some serious damage control. When a flack's half-assed "press-junket-related exhaustion" excuse didn't seem to do the trick, a seemingly sober (but only somewhat less incoherent) Paula dropped in on Ellen to explain what actually happened:
Wesley Autrey, who saved another gent by hurling himself to the subway rails and letting a train pass over the both of them, has spent the last week rightly showered with attention, honors, and accolades. To his enormous credit, all the buzz hasn't seemed to dent Autrey's genial, humble demeanor. How can you not love the guy? We'd like to extend him full Gawker commenting privileges, just to do our part! Of course, that's extremely small potatoes in terms of Autrey's swag bag. After the jump, a full list of rewards for the Subway Superman, running the gamut from sincere to maybe just a wee bit opportunistic. Not that there's anything wrong with that!
In a pre-taped interview set to air on Ellen DeGeneres' show today (TMZ has the video), Hollywood's highest paid TV comedy star, Charlie Sheen, appears to have found it in his heart to mend fences with ex-wife Denise Richards, despite still harboring some traces of bitterness over that time she announced to the world that he's an abusive, jailbait internet porn junkie and online hook-up addict. Sheen even goes so far as to reluctantly approve the new guy in her life, Richie Sambora:
We don't watch Ellen enough (read: ever) to know whether or not the show is wrapping up an Ellen Under Extreme Duress theme week, but they've apparently tried to top Monday's stunt, in which a cruel hypnotist made her cry by mentally force-feeding her a wad of hairy chili-licorice, with a segment today where the show's sadistic producers try to generate great daytime TV by having their host sexually assaulted by a 20-foot anaconda. And they almost pulled it off—DeGeneres seemed genuinely distressed by the serpentine tail curling around her nether-regions, at least at first; unfortunately, once the animal handler let her off the hook by revealing that crotch-invading reptilie was a female, the look on Ellen's face let us know that the sexual jeopardy of the situation had been all but extinguished.
When we want our daily dose of unabashed sentimentalism, we would usually turn to something logical, like, say, Saved By The Bell reruns (we could watch Jessie Spano get so excited, so excited, so scared from those caffeine pills all day), rather than to the chirpy talk-show stylings of Ellen DeGeneres. But even she has succumbed to Very Special Syndrome: On Monday's hour — which, we kid you not, began with a pandering voice-over, "Today, an Ellen like you've NEVER SEEN BEFORE" — Ellen trotted out hypnotist Paul McKenna, both to disavow our theories that all such people are hissing Vaudevillian caricatures, and to help her quit smoking. You'd think that watching America's favorite bobblehead of good cheer ratchet down the happy by tearily confronting her inner pain would be...well, a downer. But mercifully, the sappy editing, heartstring-abusing music, dramatic stings, and the image of McKenna advancing on a helpless, sniffling Ellen and threatening to shove an imaginary brick of gobbed-on, meaty licorice into her mouth are all top-notch unintentional humor. She later revealed she hasn't smoked in three days; in related news, she also can't close her eyes. Or eat.
It looks like Jon Stewart's streak of consecutively hosted Oscars telecasts is going to end at one, as the Academy has this afternoon announced that it's repossessed his tuxedo pants and already handed them over to his successor, daytime television's most nonthreatening, proudly uncloseted chat-lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres. And if the level of humor presented in the press release is any indication of what DeGeneres will bring to her hosting duties, America should brace itself for a magical evening of semi-amusement:
• Ellen DeGeneres is in a car crash (not caused by paparazzi, for once), making for excellent online advertising opportunities. [TMZ]
• Lloyd Grove survives Labor Day, reports that Jessica Simpson is even more of a whore than previously believed. The melanin princess collected assloads of swag and a $50K Chrysler convertible — though the latter will be donated to charity, as homegirl doesn't drive domestic. [Lowdown]
• The New York Public Library and fashion don't mix. Specifically, literacy clashes with Anna Wintour's McQueen tartans. [Page Six]
• Showgirls scribe Joe Eszterhas goes out on a limb and calls Val Kilmer an "imbecile" and Michael Douglas "not brilliant." [R&M]
• Julia Roberts' BO would be a standout contribution to the world of celebrity perfumes. [Page Six]
PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the (most recent) time you saw Tyra Banks and Brittany Murphy high-fiving the night away.
It's always a special treat when the Defamer Special Real Estate Correspondent weighs in with a virtual walkthrough of a C-list celebrity home or drops by to pick nits with the LAT Hot Property column. Today, he files a report about the recent property moves involving talk show host/budding local land baroness Ellen DeGeneres, whose acquistions seemingly won't stop until the entire city is blanketed in love nests for her and Portia de Rossi:
An item on NYTimes.com this morning:
