There's a good mommy dearest/dirty uncle joke in here somewhere, but we'll practice restraint.
[Submitted by Sean in San Francisco.]

A bunch of bloggers are all up in arms: evidently there is a conspiracy of media silence surrounding the death of Jonathan Brandis.

Rolling Stone's Vanessa Grigoriadis parties down with the Red Bull-chugging Paris Hilton, and gets her purse stolen for her trouble. Hilton, who refers to social-climbing strivers as "Debbies," does not at all come off as a nice girl:

That bastard Mark Simpson, who coined the horrid term "metrosexual," has finally apologized. "If I'd known that metrosexuals would take over the world and make everyone wear fake tan and use glutinous hair care products I would have written about baseball instead," says a release on PRNewswire. Oh sure: then he'd have invented ballsexuals.

Oh, how boring. Bill Clinton isn't, as was widely reported the newest global supermodel. D.C.'s Swamp City writes: "It looks like Bill Clinton spokesperson rumors were false. He won't be hawking suits for a Chinese menswear outlet. Also, he did not star in ads for a Chinese alcoholic rice drink. President Clinton was in China to talk about his work against 'AIDS.'

David Gest is screaming "Ow, my face, my valuable face" right now as Liza Minelli smacks him with a metaphorical (not actual, this time) lamp. Liza's countersuit has been filed, and it's a doozy. According to Liza, Gest is a thief, a psycho, and a total hater, and she wants two million — minimum.
Liza Hits Back [TSG]

I have severe radio avoidance — if I wanted to hear people talking at me, I'd get an office job. Little did I know that NPR was the key to being taken seriously in the dating world. "Ask Brendan" offers insight into how NPR can get you laid.

The Smoking Gun has the papers filed by new porn star Rick Salomon against the Paris and the Hiltons, et al. For his slander claim, he'd like 10 meeeeellion dollars in compensatory damages; punitive damages to be tagged on later, perhaps. It's an absolutely riveting read.
Paris Gets Nailed [TSG]

Antigesit writes an open letter to Prince Charles:

If it's Thursday, it must be Tina Brown at the Washington Post! This week Tina analyzes the Martha Stewart interview with Barbara Walters.

Oh God. There's more.

That Rosie O'Donnell is one busy lady. She's been in trial for what seems like decades — it's over, thank God (and evidently her magazine's publishers are "big fat German liars") — but that hasn't stopped her from mounting her art exhibit at Meisner Gallery out on Long Island.

Catherine is about to zeta-jones the media over stories that she is an Atkins diet devotee. Her lawyers intend to "pursue claims on her behalf against each and every publication who is reponsible." So yes: we're all advised that Ms. Zeta-Jones has NEVER been on the Atkins diet.

A gentle reminder: I demand the Paris Hilton sex tape. I know one of you has it. So deliver it unto me already.

Blogger Sarah Weinman writes: "I tried, oh how I tried, not to comment on today's item about the woman who puts the 'ho' in hotel." (Or, as the Observer's Noelle Hancock once put it, "putting a downpayment on a one-bedroom in Skankville.")

The rumor we've heard for years is confirmed — if you'd care to use the word "confirmed" for "an item on the Post's Page Six." Yes, there is a Paris Hilton sex tape. Yes, I'd like to see it — if you'd care to use the word "like" to mean "screaming while hiding my eyes with one hand." Kind of like at Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Ya know, I've been leaving the no-longer-new Daily News gossip maven Lloyd Grove to his own devices. Let me explain. Remember that one Simpson's Halloween episode where all these giant advertising icons came to life and stampeded on the town and killed everyone? And then Lisa figured out that to make them go away, everyone just had to ignore them. Because, you see, they craved the attention. Anyway: that was my theory of life with Lloyd Grove.

Speaking of parties, Napster had their big launch party in LA last night. I know, we don't care about LA one whit, but we do care about Napster. Or at least, we did, until they threw a shitty party.

New York Social Diary's blind item of the week:

The New York State Supreme Court complaint filed by David Gest against his ex-wife Liza Minnelli is up at The Smoking Gun. It's incredible. Gest is looking for $10 million in exchange for the nasty series of beatings and degradations he allegedly received at the hands (and lamps) of the Godzilla of failed cabaret singers.