Do you have $25,000 and an appreciation for early aughts electric cars/Ed Begley Jr.? Cool, now you can buy Begley's old car on Craiglist. For $25,000.

Do you remember Daryl Hannah? Oh, she was in Blade Runner and Splash and...what else? Oh! She's the whistling killer in Kill Bill. Yeah, she got arrested today in front of the White House for protesting.

You know what the problem is with the ocean? It's not overfishing, or global warming, or oil spills: It's branding. So you're an ocean? Who cares? You gotta sell it to us. You gotta have a powerful brand—a mascot. And that mascot has to be the giant squid.

Future U.S. President Sarah Palin shot and killed a majestic caribou right there on her reality teevee show last night. Of course, this was necessary to sustain her family through the harsh Alaskan winter. Take a good look, America.

Windex manufacturer S.C. Johnson pledges to disclose all product ingredients by 2012. Is it more than "turpentine and poison?" Huh.

Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell has spent the past day apologizing for his state's homeland security department, which had been distributing "anti-terrorism" bulletins listing upcoming environmentalist and LGBT protests — at a cost of $125,000 to taxpayers, naturally.

French "Spiderman" Alain Robert was arrested today for scaling a 57-story building in Australia. Robert's agent, who just happened to be on hand, said he was "shocked," and had absolutely no clue it was going to happen.

Bet none of you Liberals had any idea about the most pressing threat to our nation's freedom since Obamacare, did you? The EPA was considering banning lead bullets because it poisoned animals. The ban has been rejected. Freedom, saved!

Sheryl Crow is dedicated to saving the planet. That's great! But the rider for her current tour is so Draconian in its green policies that it's driving concert promoters nuts. Does she really care that deeply about toilet paper?

Some high school kids in a Princeton summer journalism camp came to NYC to report a story about scofflaw cars and buses idling illegally on the city streets, damaging the environment. Caught red-handed: Conde "Fuck the Ozone Layer" Nast.

For discerning individuals of extraordinary taste, an ordinary showerhead simply won't suffice. The great American values of wealth, luxury, and excess demand special, superexpensive showerheads that turn your shower into a veritable Niagara Falls. Why is Barack Obama against that?

Is there any potent symbol of American waste and excess that hippies will not ban? First, it was plastic bags, out in San Fran-cisco. Now, hippies on the opposite coast are taking on the treasured American plastic bottle.

The California Assembly has voted to ban plastic bags from stores, and to charge a nickel for paper bags. That's 19 billion plastic bags a year, outlawed. The real victims: cheap bastards, like you. Buy a Ziploc, you cheap bastard.

Now California hippies want to ban paper bags, too. What is next, banning genetically-engineered Funyuns?

Dr. Seuss Enterprises is suing a new coal company that calls itself LoraxAG—the objection being that Dr. Seuss wrote the story "The Lorax" to encourage environmentalism, whereas LoraxAG is a fucking coal company. But the president of LoraxAG has a compelling argument of his own: "'The Lorax is the protector of the truffula trees,' he told [a trade publication]. 'We think this is the greenest use of coal.'"

Do you and your mate joust over who is the best environmental person? Have both you and your mate grown so holier-than-thou that you are unable to function in a capacity other than "scold?" Do you find that everyone seems to despise you, including your mate, and your parents, and total strangers who read about you in a NYT trend story? Then you just might be this couple:

Somali pirates: Conservationists.

When the American Girl corporation had to pick a name for its new Jewish Girl doll, they went with: "The name of an Earth Liberation Front enviro-terrorist arsonist wanted by the FBI." Hey, that's racist.

Good one: cutouts of "tree huggers," wrapped around actual trees, urging you to "VOTE EARTH" by switching off your lights for an hour. These cutouts are made of cardboard.

Do-gooder earth magazine Plenty had a nasty reputation for not paying its writers. The magazine folded in January, but its website was bought by a semi-celebrity. The writers still want their money, okay?