A millionaire London real estate developer avoided a rape conviction this week with an unlikely excuse: He tripped and fell inside the alleged victim.

A Maryland man told the FBI they should be thanking him after they discovered he’d received a series of electronic payments from ISIS this summer. For some reason, the FBI disagrees.

It wasn't so long ago that Boston, a highway rest stop on the road from New York to Maine, was pining for the world's spotlight and asking to host the Olympic games and generally be the center of attention. My, how things change.

Although the college experience at large state universities is a nonstop sex party, the "elite" college experience is more... refined. Finding love can be difficult. Happily, our nation's future leaders now have a new crutch.

One Colorado eighth grader swears she wasn't lying when she said her dog ate her homework — and she has the X-rays to prove it.

A speeding New Hampshire woman's excuse that she was rushing to be by her father's deathbed nearly worked — until the state police trooper looked her up and found out her dad had died five years ago.

And we would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling "urbans."

A woman found tied up inside her own vehicle in San Antonio told police she was carjacked near an ATM by a drug dealer with a knife and forced to drive around with him as he made his rounds.

If Mitt Romney, who never makes any mistakes, gives a subpar performance at tonight's debate, we'll all know why: he, like Rick Perry before him, was just too tired. According to a report from Buzzfeed, Mitt got almost no sleep Monday night. The cause? A loud train near the candidate's Denver hotel:

Luckily the local news was there to interview the drunk guy (and the squirrel). According to police reports, the squirrel was "eating him." According to Drunk Guy's girlfriend, the squirrel wasn't "eating him; he was just crawling around in his shirt." According to Drunk Guy himself, the squirrel was "just tired" and "resting" in Drunk Guy's shirt. Now that that's cleared up, the reporter informs us that Drunk Guy was indeed drunk and has renamed the squirrel DUI (pronounced: doo-ee).

After Ohio's Secretary of State Jon Husted announced last week that early-voting sites across the state would only be open on weekdays, many felt the restriction would unfairly impact "working people" in general, and minorities in particular.

22-year-old college student Susan Paola Fadel Correia of Belém in northern Brazil admitted to authorities that she made up a story about being kidnapped in order to avoid having to hand in a school project on time.

As the murder trial of Decatur, Georgia's Hemy Neuman wraps up, we discover that Neuman admits he shot Russell Sneiderman outside the man's 2-year-old son's preschool. His lawyers say he should be found not guilty by reason of insanity because "he was visited by a demon who sounded like Barry White and an angel who looked like Olivia Newton-John before he shot and killed a toddler's father outside a preschool." Prosecutors says Hemy's motive was jealousy. [AP]

Dep. Insp. Anthony Bologna, the NYPD commander whose loose ways with pepper spray caused a stir last month at Occupy Wall Street (and cost him some vacation days), has told colleagues that he "acted with the best intentions" when he sprayed a group of ladies who weren't doing anything at all, and he's been "tortured" ever since.

Michael Pena, the off duty NYPD officer charged with raping a Manhattan woman last Friday night (not to be confused with the on-duty NYPD officers charged with raping a Manhattan woman) allegedly showed a gun, pulled the woman behind an apartment building, and raped her. Police arrived and found him still in the act, drunk, with his gun and badge next to him.

What's worse than going to a rave? Watching a rave in a movie theater, that's what. But even if you felt like spending your Thursday evening in a theater watching people on drugs dance around, it's no longer an option for many. The repercussions from last week's riot in Los Angeles that shut down the premiere of the Electric Daisy Carnival Experience are being felt across the country now, after theaters cancelled more than 500 one-night-only screenings of the film.

Back in the aughts, actor and former jeans model Jack Scalia set up charities to benefit both 9/11 victims and military vets. The charities raised some money, but apparently distributed less than they received. Where did all the money go? Scalia doesn't know—he was busy.

As soon as Rep. Anthony Weiner first acknowledged his roiling Twitter-bulge scandal with a desperate "I've been hacked" defense last week, we knew he was guilty. "I've been hacked" is the first refuge of a cock-Tweeter. [Deadspin]

In her upcoming appearance on Ellen, Lady Gaga addresses that clip from her HBO special in which she tearfully admits in a makeup chair that she "sometimes [feels] like a loser kid in high school."

María de la Paz Elizabeth Sofía Adriana de la Huerta—known to mere mortals as actress Paz de la Huerta—has been charged with third-degree assault, attempted assault, harassment, and criminal possession of a weapon for a bar brawl with MTV reality star Samantha Swetra.