Traditionally, Americans only see the inside of a gym from January 2- January 15, before giving up on their New Year's resolutions. Their actual need for athletic apparel is minimal. This does not stop Americans from buying athletic apparel as fast as they can.

United States Army soldiers care about one thing and one thing only and that is looking good when they are doing their workouts. Wow they have some new workout clothes and I think you are gonna be pleased, with the new clothes!

Portuguese football stud Cristiano Ronaldo was recently convinced, either by a lot of money or some sort of solemn blood debt, to endorse a Japanese product called the Facial Fitness PAO, a workout device for your face. As you can see in this commercial, a PAO session involves cramming a bite-plate with wings into your mouth and bobbing your head like you're fellating the Golden Snitch.

In the past 20 years, the caloric intakes of Americans and the composition of their diets have not significantly changed. But obesity rates have steadily risen. Why? Probably because motherfuckers are not working out.

Well well well, the secret is out. U.S. President Barack Obama's secret workout is finally declassified and caught on tape for all the world to see. Mister President, you got some problems.

A member of the Planet Fitness gym chain was captured eating pizza while lackadaisically doing some machine-assisted crunches this week. The purple-and-yellow purveyor of low-impact health gives away free pizza monthly to its members.

A pregnant South Carolina woman says she was asked to leave a Planet Fitness gym because her "belly was hanging out." Can all these outrageous Planet Fitness stories even be real? Burn it down either way.

In the latest installment of "The World's Least Successful Effort By a Cult-Like Phenomenon to Prove that It Is Not Cult-Like," Crossfit digs into the links between Crossfit and polygamy.

Are you a member of the "Planet Fitness" gym chain? If so, we regret to inform you that your gym must be doused in gasoline and set alight immediately. Why? One poor, fit woman's tale should explain.

Kevin Ogar, an experienced athlete and Crossfit coach, was left paralyzed after a weightlifting accident during a competition earlier this month. Is that Crossfit's fault?

Are you a wealthy white person with way too much time on your hands? Then do we have the workout for you!

It's hard enough being an elderly woman in today's society, what with sexism, ageism, and those bizarre "brooches" everyone expects you to wear. So hey, old ladies: don't make it harder on yourself by being so lazy. Get up and MOVE!

Research shows that sex is only "moderate" exercise—"Though some men...used more energy for brief periods during sex than they did jogging." I bet while they were vigorously thrusting their penises.

Right this very minute, you can navigate to a website and place a bid for a chance to own an authentic old jumprope or dirty pair of sneakers or even a punching bag, punched by the actual fists of Bruce Lee.

Crossfit is an exercise program with pluses and minuses. On the plus side, it really will get you in good shape. On the minus side, its adherents sometimes resemble intolerably intense cultists, and also, it turns out, it's run by extreme libertarians who enjoy sharing pro-capitalist philosophies, to go with your squats.

Having failed to curb soda cup sizes, NYC mayor Mike Bloomberg has a new public health initiative: he is working to convince New Yorkers to take the stairs. This will accomplish nothing.

Last week, a California judge ruled that a school district could teach yoga, despite objections from parents that it amounted to promoting an "Eastern religion." Now, one provocative columnist raises an even more alarming yoga issue: godless Western atheists are sullying yoga's holiness, by doing it (yoga).

"Turns out, scientists say, that those who [run a 200 mile ultramarathon] show less neuromuscular fatigue, muscle damage and inflammation when compared with those athletes who take the easy way out with 100 miles."

Biking in New York City is tired. Citi Bike^SM takes up space on the street and a little bit of the sidewalk that was previously occupied by the street and a little bit of the sidewalk. They'll let any roving brood of vagrants into SoulCycle these days. Where can New Yorkers turn if they want to enjoy a stationary bike ride by candlelight but don't want to do that in an environment that can sustain a Mogwai's gentle magic?

The sun has risen, and it's time for "Hey, Science," our boldly scientific weekly feature in which we have your most provocative scientific questions answered by real live scientists (or related experts). No topic is off limits in our ongoing quest for truth and time-wasting. This week, doctors explain: Why do cardio exercise when you could just do cocaine?