fast-food

Adam Weinstein · 05/13/14 04:00PM

Conservatives want an exception to a recent federal rule requiring higher pay for fast-food-workers on military bases, because paying Joey 10 bucks an hour to salt the fries will drive BK out of business, and the troops will miss their Whoppers, and why do you hate the troops?

Burgers For Breakfast, Because Nothing Really Matters

Hamilton Nolan · 05/09/14 08:15AM

Burger King today announced that it will serve its burgers for breakfast now, as part of their new corporate philosophy, "Why try harder than absolutely necessary when the American people want nothing more than to eat themselves into oblivion to erase the pain of being locked into this zombie-like existence?"

Sarah Hedgecock · 05/07/14 05:03PM

Protesters lobby for higher wages for fast food workers outside a McDonald's in New York City on Wednesday. Image via Andrew Burton/Getty.

Hamilton Nolan · 05/07/14 02:14PM

Subway, a store that sells the smell of baking bread, says it will start slicing its meat thinner, so that sandwiches will get the same amount of meat but 50% more slices. The company's cofounder explained,"For some reason, it looks better. It looks like more meat." TWSS.

Taco Bell Spinoff Explicitly Branded With Death Symbols

Hamilton Nolan · 04/24/14 09:03AM

Despite decades of devotion to low-quality garbage food, today's Americans think they're "too good" for a "fast food" restaurant. You wouldn't be caught dead in a "Taco Bell?" How about this rebranded fancy Taco Bell, though?

Hamilton Nolan · 04/22/14 03:17PM

The average U.S. CEO is paid 331 times as much as their average employee. A new Demos report finds that the fast food industry, currently the subject of vast protests, "has the greatest CEO-to-worker pay disparity in our economy, with ratios exceeding 1,000-to-1."

Everywhere to Be a Sonic

Hamilton Nolan · 04/17/14 10:37AM

Sonic, a fast food chain that differentiates itself by delivering garbage directly to your parked car, plans to expand into every last empty lot in the United States of America.

Hamilton Nolan · 04/08/14 12:48PM

Taco Bell's latest marketing strategy is convincing consumers that Egg McMuffins represent the past, whereas "Waffle Tacos" represent the future. I suppose that's plausible.

KFC Secretly Rolls Out Chik-fil-A Knockoff Restaurant

Hamilton Nolan · 04/07/14 08:17AM

This week, Arlington, Texas will get the thing it most desperately needs: a new greasy fast food chicken restaurant. But this greasy fast food chicken restaurant marks the launch of a greasy fast food chicken restaurant war.

Fast Food Workers Are Suing McDonald's for Wage Theft

Hamilton Nolan · 03/13/14 11:37AM

A coalition of McDonald's workers today announced that they're filing several class action McLawsuits against the company for "forcing them to work off the clock, shaving hours off their time cards and not paying them overtime."

Fast Food Breakfast Envelops America In Ceaseless Embrace

Hamilton Nolan · 02/25/14 09:56AM

There is nothing that you, the consumer, love more than a paper bag filled with piping hot breakfast items purchased from one of our nation's fast food outlets. It is the only high point in the otherwise dreary days of the majority of Americans. Fortunately, fast food breakfast will now be more inescapable than ever.

McDonald's Still Wants to Be the New Starbucks

Hamilton Nolan · 01/29/14 10:26AM

McDonald's was once known as a "restaurant" where Americans could purchase, at reasonable prices, hamburgers the size and flavor of air hockey discs. Those days are gone. Fast food is a loser's game. McDonald's now aims to be the new Starbucks.

Hamilton Nolan · 01/22/14 10:56AM

Dairy Queen, the delicious root cause of the south's obesity crisis, is expanding into Asia, with new ice cream flavors like "green tea with red bean or almond and extra green tea." Dear Asia: the ice cream is fine, but NEVER eat the "food." Oh god.