fast-food

McDonald's Wraps Chicken in a Tortilla, Captivates America

Hamilton Nolan · 03/21/13 01:40PM

In a move that is predicted to tip the balance of power in the entire U.S. fast food industry and spark an advertising war between top players that could cost hundreds of millions of dollars, McDonald's is set to roll out the "biggest launch of 2013," which will reach into every corner of American dining culture: some chicken wrapped up in a tortilla.

Hamilton Nolan · 02/28/13 04:59PM

The "Chipotle for pizza" is coming soon. Eh. Let's wait for the Chipotle for falafel before we get all excited.

Hamilton Nolan · 02/19/13 10:42AM

Would you trust a fast food restaurant to cook you non-fried fish? I mean, sure. *Deep, slow breaths* It'll be fine.

Ronald McDonald Will Kill Santa Claus for $5,500

Hamilton Nolan · 12/17/12 11:15AM

McDonald's, a machine for turning cow fat into money, is really into America, Christmas, Kwanzaa, holidays, whatever the fuck, assuming those holidays are celebrated at a McDonald's restaurant, or sitting in a parked car in a McDonald's parking lot, forcing down McDonald's food as tears stream down your face. All you have to do is to look at McDonald's advertisements to realize that McDonald's has the utmost respect for family, togetherness, happiness, America, freedom, blah blah buy some french fries. McDonald's would open a location at your mother's funeral if it thought it could sell one additional Filet-O-Fish.

Hamilton Nolan · 12/05/12 09:12AM

One thousand five hundred new Starbucks locations will open in America in the next five years. How?